The Secret Diary of Paul Thurrott

See?

2011-11-22T16:18:00.000-05:00

I told you so.

I'm the only reviewer that calls this thing "responsive". I'll leave you to decide if that makes me a shill, or whether I'm the Rush Limbaugh of the tech world—always right, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. One or the other. Obviously.

"Enjoy Your Yugo"

2011-11-17T12:03:00.004-05:00

I will be reviewing the fantastic iPad-killing Amazon Kindle Fire (the greatest thing to come out of the tablet universe since Microsoft unleashed the format a decade ago), but needless to say, you know I'm going to say it's awesome, perfect, and will obviously be the final nail in the coffin of Apple.

Even though it's not true.

Look, I'm one of those people that can't admit when I'm wrong. The Fire is a freaking joke, obviously, and everyone that reviews it says so. But not me. You don't come to me for truth, you come to me for anti-Apple rants and shilling for products I like or have some financial attachment to.

Now go buy the damn Fire, and make sure you do it through a link I will helpfully provide that gives me a financial kickback. I have kids to feed.

Obviously.

Thank God That's Over

2011-10-19T11:35:00.003-04:00

A lot of you have probably been waiting for me to give you my thoughts in this space on the death of Steve Jobs.

Obviously, Steve Jobs was a creative genius that changed the face of the computer industry forever. Every modern piece of technology you touch has his influence in it, and he will be remembered through the ages.

He was also a selfish spoiled brat that was universally despised as a human being, despite what you may have read in places like this, here, here, here, here, and here.

I never met Steve Jobs, but I hated him anyway. I have no idea how much money he gave to charity*, but I derided him for it anyway. I have used products from his company for years, but I hate them and only write about them because I have to in order to tell you how superior everything that comes from Microsoft is to the crap from Cupertino.

I take no pleasure in his death, but it will certainly make it easier to be critical of Apple without the cult of personality surrounding its former charismatic leader. Maybe if he had bowed to my superior brilliance just once, I wouldn't have such a hard place in my soul for him, but aside from one shining moment when Apple put a quote from me on their website, the company and the man basically ignored me. So screw 'em.

And let's get on to recognizing some true genius, shall we?

How to REALLY Fix Microsoft

2011-06-02T21:13:00.000-04:00

If you're a regular reader of THE SUPERSITE! FOR WINDOWS! then you'll already have read the multi-page tome "How Microsoft can fix Microsoft." Here are a few ideas that weren't in the article. Microsoft, are you listening?

Rename Microsoft. Henceforth you shall be called, "The Software Giant," a term I coined in reference to The Software Giant long ago. This not only reflects the nature of the company, but is in homage to me, which is just obvious.
Dump the Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone. Seriously. You jumped the shark on that thing when you hard-coded facebook into it. Can you imagine walking around with a device that featured MySpace AND YOU COULDN'T GET RID OF IT? Seriously, Software Giant, WTF were you thinking?
All Software Giant Press Releases should be written by Tech Genius and Weight Loss Expert Paul Thurrott. Obviously.
Give Steve Ballmer a new title. The original article said to fire him, but in retrospect, that's a bad idea. I've thought long and hard about this, and I now realize that every successful company has its court jester. Ballmer can be to The Software Giant what Steve Wozniak is to Apple...a formerly great employee who pops up now and again to make an amusing comment about the company or the competition, gets some press, and then goes back quietly to his office to play with whatever gadget he bought that week. Ballmer would be perfect for this effort.
Buy DELL and sell it for parts. Just because. Those bastard are weighing you down by slapping the Software Giant logo on cheap commodity garbage. You need to put an end to it now.
Hire Michael Dell to replace Steve Ballmer. I know this seems to fly in the face of all logic based on my previous recommendation, but hey, I'm a professional critic. I don't get paid to make this work.
Develop for Apple products so you can make the best damn software in the world again. Microsoft Word? Originally written for the Mac. Excel? Ditto. PowerPoint? Originally a Mac-only program before y'all bought it and slapped it together with Office. My point here is that all the really good Microsoft stuff was originally coded for Apple (with the exception of Windows, which was a lame attempt to rip off Apple until you came close with XP). Start writing for iOS and MacOS, and see what happens.

So that's it. If you follow my stellar recommendations, The Software Giant can once again regain its crown and be the amazing company it once was. Or you can ignore me and be the Rob Enderle of the tech world...a loser clown that gets it right once every 10 years or so. Your choice.

Success

2011-05-20T14:22:00.000-04:00

Despite what you might read elsewhere, Apple's retail stores have been an unqualified success, and were (quite literally) from day one.

I just can't admit that anywhere else. Obviously.

After all, I have a reputation* to uphold.

*As a jackass, obviously.

Support Your Local Pundit

2011-05-14T11:46:00.003-04:00

You can have it in any color you like, as long as it's a shade of black.

(No, I haven't gone soft, but Gruber said something nice about me a while back, so I'm helping him out. Don't get used to it, because he's still a jackass.)

Holy Fing S

2011-04-12T17:34:00.000-04:00

"So there you have it: I just recommended iPad. Watch out for the flying pigs."

I'm So F*&%ing Clever

2011-03-03T12:05:00.003-05:00

Remember, kiddies: When you're writing a review of an Apple product, it's important to hit all the right notes if you want to be taken seriously as The Most Important Windows Tech Analyst In The Free Word™:

Ailing Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who is currently on a mysterious medical leave of absence, returned temporarily to kick off the evolutionary product.
...Jobs said, opening the iPad announcement event, after receiving a standing ovation from the Apple-centric press in attendance.

Jobs and his Apple cohorts then went on to step through the expected product news: a thinner, slightly lighter new iPad that Apple claims offers better CPU performance and "nine times" the graphics performance of its predecessor.
Battery life is identical to that of its predecessor, as is pricing, which again ranges from $500 to a whopping $829. There are an incredible 18 different models of iPad 2, which comes in 16GB, 32GB, and 64GB variants, as before, and in models that work with Wi-Fi only, AT&T 3G wireless networks, and Verizon Wireless 3G. Good luck figuring out which one you want.
Basically, what we have here is a decidedly evolutionary update that simply maintains the status quo, technically and from a pricing perspective.
Problematically, the Android competition is just as expensive as the iPad lineup, so Apple obviously feels free to continue gouging consumers <----Note: I know this makes no sense whatsoever, but what the hell. It was fun to write. Never mind that if competitor pricing is at par or higher, Apple can't be "gouging". It sure sounds good. on iPad pricing. Those consumers show no sign of resisting this gouging, either: Apple is forecasted <----Note: not a real word to sell roughly 35 million iPads this year alone.

...if you do want to purchase a tablet device—virtually no one needs such a thing, remember—

Apple says the iPad 2 will begin shipping March 11 in the United States, but customers aren't able to preorder the device: Instead, you'll need to line up like a lemming at an Apple Store that day if you want one immediately. International sales start March 25.

I'll say it again. I am So. F&%#ing. Brilliant.

That Fracking Weasel

2011-02-03T21:36:00.001-05:00

God, I hate David Pogue.

My obsession with him is almost as bad as my Steve Jobs obsession. What is it about Apple that draws such obnoxious, obsequious little twerps into its orbit? Seriously, I've spilled more ink over Pogue than any other columnist, and it infuriates me that he not only has his own column, but his own TV show, regularly appears on CNBC, has authored a series of books for both the Mac and Windows platforms that probably far outsell my own superior efforts, a blog, and God knows what else.

And he doesn't know a damn thing about tech. I'm the only one that does. Well, me and Rob Enderle. And sometimes Mary Jo Foley (who still rebuffs my drunken advances). I've been screaming this from the rooftops for years, and no one will listen. It sickens me. My overly-large gorilla hands are shaking as I write this, that's how angry I am.

It's a messed up world. Maybe once I lose all the weight I'm going to lose this year on my new diet that consists of fatty foods and not exercising, I'll be able to compete with this jerk.

Oh, and John Gruber doesn't know a damn thing, either, especially when it comes to the iPhone. Obviously.

I Am A Diet Expert

2011-01-30T21:39:00.001-05:00

Trust me:

"If eating less made you lose weight, we wouldn't be fat."

"Fitness is good but it will not help you lose weight."

That's how you do it. Eat more bacon. You can trust me on this just like you can trust me on everything else I've ever said, particularly when I predicted the demise of iTunes, the iPhone, and the iPad. Obviously. No one could say it better: "You're welcome to your beliefs, but you're wrong."

Thus Spake The God Of All Tech

2011-01-29T21:20:00.001-05:00

One year ago:

"Apple ... has unveiled its iPad, an iPod touch like tablet computer that, so far at least, doesn't seem impressive at all."

"It's actually ... can I say this about an Apple product? ... ugly."

"OK, this has to be a joke. He can't really be this excited about this device."

"This stuff is just boring. If Apple wanted this to be a game machine, they should have built hardware controls into that huge bezel."

"I can almost hear Apple's stock price dropping every second this demo goes on."

"Overall, this is a letdown. I'd be surprised to see anyone try to claim otherwise."

You know, for the life of me I can't figure out why anyone would call Paul Thurrott a partisan hack. It's clear that I was 100% right about this silly product. Obviously.

Gruber Gets One Right. Almost.

2011-01-18T10:45:00.003-05:00

So even the overrated t-shirt salesmen got it half-right. When it comes to the operation of the company, Steve Jobs doesn't matter to Apple. But Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs. Trust me, they'll have to prop him up in a lobby display like Jeremy Bentham in order for the place to survive without him.

Stating The Obvious

2011-01-17T11:05:00.003-05:00

A few bullet points based on today's news about Steve Jobs and his leave of absence from Apple Inc.:

Steve Jobs is a marketing genius, but a failure as a human being.
Steve Jobs has nothing to do with the great products Apple makes, but hawks them well to unsuspecting rubes who fawn at his feet.
Without the designers at Apple around him, Steve Jobs would be nothing more than a whiny little wannabe artist and college dropout, consigned to the dustbin of history.
Steve Jobs has lied about his health repeatedly, both to his shareholders and his customers. His illness has clearly kept him from participating in the day-to-day operations of Apple for some time now.
Steve Jobs contributes very little to the actual design of Apple products, the programming of their software, or the implementation of their marketing plans.

Therefore, Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs.

Obviously.

iPhone on Verizon: A Nation Yawns

2011-01-10T13:36:00.002-05:00

So it's unclear as to why this is big news, when the magical tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone is already widely available elsewhere on faster networks. But if Verizon wants to swim in the gutter, I say let them have at it. It won't make one bit of difference to the Windows Phone 7 Phone market share*. Obviously.

*Because it's immeasurably small now, just in case you needed this footnote to clarify the point.

Sign of the Apocalypse

2011-01-04T13:34:00.003-05:00

That little pussy David Pogue now has his own TV show called "Making Stuff: Stronger".

He probably got the idea from lifting his heavy, overpriced, expensive toy, the iPad.

What is this world coming to?

In a related story, I'm going to be interviewed by the Eyewitness News Team sometime in the near future regarding my opinions on the greatness of the Amazon Kindle, which is the greatest product ever invented except for Windows. Obviously. Oh, and the nook is a joke.

Stay tuned.

App of the Month

2010-12-23T15:47:00.001-05:00

Finally, the amazing magical tear-inducing Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone has an application worthy of this all-new game-changing platform.

Finally the "I Am Rich" application is available for the broad range of flawless handsets made by Microsoft partners. It's the perfect Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone application: It does nothing of interest, it's expensive, the graphics are subpar, and no one will buy it.

I'm so happy my overly-large hands are shaking and my eyes are watering. Excuse me, I need to take a moment. This may be a whole chapter in my next book, "Killer Apps For The Magical Tear-Inducing Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone And Other Secrets".

This Is Not Me Quoting Myself

2010-12-14T13:00:00.004-05:00

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that someone has kidnapped The World's Only Objective Tech Reporter, my (former?) hero Paul Thurrott. Look at what he has to say in his latest epic post over on The Supersite For Windows:

"By all accounts, in fact, Windows Phone 7 is careening toward inevitable disaster."(editor's note: obviously)

"Indeed, for businesses, Windows Phone is a mixed bag right now."

"It's OK, Microsoft, I can take a hint. You don't want to talk about Windows Phone's problems. Message received." (editor's note: If Microsoft won't even talk to their back-pocket lackey and author of the only Windows Phone 7 Phone book on the market, it must be beyond bad. We're talking about an epic fail.)

"I just wish the company would show some signs of life."

But the kicker is when he compares the beautiful tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone to the last Microsoft disaster (well, not counting Kin):

The last time Microsoft tried this tactic was with Windows Vista
. And we all know how that turned out.

Et tu, Mr. Thurrott? Et tu?

Lies! Lies, I Tell You!

2010-11-20T19:07:00.003-05:00

So it's garbage like this that really makes the skin on my overly-large hands crawl:

"The Microsoft Windows Phone 7 has been on sale for close to two weeks and other than first days sales of 40,000 units, we have not heard any other information about the success of the phone. Steve Balmer keeps saying it is off to a great start. Without providing number to back up those claims, one has to wonder whether it is selling even close to the internal predictions they had."

First, as I told you on the SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS!, that "40,000" number is complete bullshit, sorry. Someone pulled a number out of their ass, and the rest of the tech industry, which can't get anything right because ~~Microsoft doesn't feed them press releases~~ they don't do their research, reports it as if it's a fact. It's not.

Second, the author of this "news" story can't even spell "Ballmer" right. It's not "BALMER". It's spelled B-A-L-L-M-E-R. Or, if you need a helpful mnemonic device, "Bad-Ass Lame Loser Monkey-Eating Reject". Obviously. Ballmer isn't releasing numbers because he's a humble guy. Not everyone knows this about him, but it's true. Microsoft has more class than any other company on the planet and they don't want to gloat.

Third, the magical tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone is perfect in every way. It's a game-changer. All you druid-using iPhoneys will eventually come to see this, particularly when Microsoft reclaims the tablet market when it introduces its iPad killer with this fantastic software.

Just you wait. Prosperity is just around the corner. Obviously.

By the numbers

2010-11-16T12:28:00.000-05:00

Microsoft Sells 1 Million Kinect Devices in First 10 Days

So it's unclear why this number isn't higher, but it's still fantastic. To put it in perspective, it's about 999,999 more than the number of Windows Phone 7 Phones sold in the same period.

Just To Be Clear...

2010-11-12T17:47:00.001-05:00

...this isn't Microsoft's fault either.

Everything Is Someone Else's Fault

2010-11-12T14:42:00.000-05:00

So it's unclear why the Tear-Inducing Magical Windows Phone 7 Phone isn't selling particularly well, but then again, I take comfort in knowing it's not Microsoft's fault. Obviously. Mr. Ballmer has been busy ~~planting stories~~ informing journalists about the real reasons:

It's AT&T's Fault

It's the fault of the partners

It's a manufacturing problem

It doesn't matter anyway, because Microsoft is being chased by a bear. Whatever the hell that means.

So rest easy, dear reader. All is well in Microsoft-land, and the Tear-Inducing Magical Windows Phone 7 Phone will be just fine. Obviously.

An Amazing Day

2010-11-08T11:12:00.002-05:00

Today is clearly an amazing day as the Magical Tear Inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone goes on sale at AT&T. As you can see, the lines are nothing short of remarkable, obviously. It's unclear why anyone wouldn't trade in their Druid or iPhoney today for the Windows Phone 7 Phone, along with a copy of my latest book, "Paul Thurrott's Windows Phone 7 Secrets by Paul Thurrott".

Look again! See those lines? Amazing!

Being a Dickhead: Then and Now

2010-11-05T15:59:00.000-04:00

What I said then:

"While the Apple-loving press holds its collective breath for what is expected to be an early 2010 announcement of an iPod touch-based tablet computer, the real deal is coming from a company with almost of a decade of tablet PC experience. Microsoft is now in the final stages of developing a book-like tablet device (code-named Courier) that completely rethinks the concept of personal computing."

What I say now:

"I was amused to see the headline 'Apple Takes 95% of Tablet Market,' since another way to say that is, 'Apple Takes 95% of iPad Market,' as there are no other products actually competing in the tablet market. ... I have to wonder. When Apple has a market all to themselves and somehow instantly cedes 5 percent of that market, why is that less newsworthy than Apple being unable to crack 5 percent of the worldwide PC market after over 12 years of steady gains?"

Or better yet, why has Microsoft given up 95% of a market it had all to itself until about seven months ago? It doesn't matter, obviously. The iPad isn't a "real" table, it's an overpriced toy. In that segment, Apple owns everything.

Amazing New App

2010-10-16T20:30:00.001-04:00

While the rest of you iDiots and Druids are playing on your silly little so-called "smartphones", I'm going to be drooling over the amazing array of applications available for my magical, special and tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 phone.

Be sure to read my EXCLUSIVE! review here of the latest amazing app available for this all-new platform. It's called "Flowerz". Isn't that clever? The brilliant engineers at Microsoft spelled flowers with a Z. Magical. A sure sign of the wonders yet to come.

Take that, Apple and Google. Nothing you ofer can possibly compare to my magical, special, tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 phone. Obviously.

Fantasy Versus Reality

2010-10-12T20:14:00.000-04:00

What I wrote:

"Something unusual happened Monday in New York: Microsoft launched a new smartphone platform and no one hated it. And no, I'm not joking"

What they said:

"Windows Phone 7 is the slickest, most impressive version of Windows on a mobile phone that Microsoft has yet produced. But that’s not saying much – and even if the actual quality of the operating system has much to recommend it, it offers little that will revolutionise the very crowded smartphone market."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/microsoft/8056190/Windows-Phone-7-first-review.html

"Best I can tell, there's nothing you can do on Windows Phone 7 devices that you can't do on an iPhone, BlackBerry or Google Android device."

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/wireless/phones/2010-10-12-windowsphonelook12_ST_N.htm

"No caveats now: Windows Phone 7 is a waste of time and money. It’s a platform that no carrier, device maker, developer, or user should bother with. Microsoft should kill it before it ships and admit that it’s out of the mobile game for good...anyone who gets one will prefer a lump of coal. I really mean that."

http://www.infoworld.com/d/mobilize/windows-phone-7-dont-bother-disaster-211

"Windows Phone 7 already has been declared a "disaster" and a "doomed" enterprise with a failed business model. It's a "step back" according to some number of developers and users of the older, and now incompatible, Windows Mobile OS."

http://www.cio.com/article/623227/Microsoft_s_Mobile_Ambitions_Ride_on_New_Windows_Phone_7_Handsets

"But good is not enough. I'm not talking about a couple of missing feature like copy and paste, which the company promises will arrive shortly. Can Microsoft create a platform that stands out enough to compete with Android and Apple? Will it be different enough that consumers are hungry for it? Will it be pervasive enough that developers want to invest limited resources in making apps for it?

If there is a company that has the heft to launch a competitive offering, it's Microsoft. Ballmer has spent a reported $400 million to advertise its new operating system, and he has the necessary partnerships with carriers to be taken seriously. But if that's not enough, the company won't get another "do-over." It might be time for Ballmer to set his sights on an external acquisition like the engineering powerhouse Research in Motion."

http://tech.fortune.cnn.com/2010/10/11/microsoft-windows-phone-7-simply-not-that-different/

No, I'm not joking. I'm just full of shit. Obviously.

My God, MJ...

2010-09-17T11:28:00.000-04:00

...will you please STFU?

The Reviews Are In

2010-09-12T12:36:00.005-04:00

The Magical Windows Phone 7 reviews are in, and the word is good. First up: Infoworld:

"There's no kind way to say it: Windows Phone 7 will be a failure. Windows Phone 7 is a pale imitation of the 2007-era iPhone. Microsoft has not only just made an imperfect copy of an old iPhone, it has not kept up with the current mobile OS crop nor moved ahead of any of them. I can't tell you how much Windows Phone 7 feels like the early 1990s' Windows 3.1, a clunky attempt to copy that era's Apple System 7.

"Microsoft needs to kill Windows Phone 7 and avoid further embarrassing itself by shipping this throwback. It's not a question of whether Windows Phone 7 will fail -- it will -- but how long it will take Microsoft to admit the failure. For the company's sake, the earlier it fesses up, the better." - Galen Gruman, Infoworld

This beauty comes from "Tech Radar":

"The best way to describe Windows Phone 7 is as another dimension to the smartphone market - it doesn't offer anything new... playing catch-up."

Next, Engadget weighs in:

"Overall, the mail experience is solid, but not best in class. There's a lot here that is laudable (like the sheer snappiness of it), but there's also a fair amount that's missing. We'd really like to see Microsoft strive for threaded messaging, joined inboxes, and an improved server-side search by the time this hits the market, but we're guessing that's asking a lot.

"We know this is still unfinished software, but this feels like something that should be already squared away.

"Zooming out to see as much of the page as possible isn't ... pretty; in its current incarnation, the browser seems to be using a pretty awful scaling algorithm, and small text looks like a jumble of jaggy, meaningless blocks without a hint of anti-aliasing. We'll admit, it makes browsing just a little less fun.

"If you've got a lot of Facebook friends, this renders your People app all but useless as a traditional phone contact list. Currently, Windows Phone 7 has no dedicated Facebook app, so that's part of the problem -- your Facebook friends simply have no place to live other than your primary contact list. What's strangest about all of this, though, is that as socially-aware as Windows Phone 7 seeks to be, there's not a lick of Twitter integration to be found.

"...putting out a product that's half-baked risks alienating early adopters at the worst possible time..." - Joshua Topolsky, Engadget

And finally, my own thoughts:

"...functionally retarded". -Paul Thurrott

Yes, it's going to be a great fall for Windows. I can't wait to start shedding more tears of joy.

Mary Jo Foley, I Have Just One Word For You

2010-07-25T14:34:00.001-04:00

Traitor.

Financial Results That Don't Matter

2010-07-21T08:34:00.001-04:00

So I'll have more to say about this over on The Supersite! For! Windows! later, obviously, but let me point out that just because Apple had a profitable quarter, it doesn't mean anything. The rest of the tech blogosphere won't report this, because they're all in Apple's back pocket, but since I'm the only objective journalist in all of technology, I will.

Financial results are only one way to measure a company's success.

It's more important that you have amazing magical products like the upcoming Windows Phone (which is the subject of my next book, which is being finalized as I write this) that bring tears of joy to they eyes of everyone who uses it.

Apple's VistaPhone can't do that. Just remember that when you read how "successful" Apple supposedly is, just because their sales are up and they're raking in billions. It doesn't matter. Obviously.

The Magical Windows Phone Is Perfect

2010-07-20T16:16:00.001-04:00

Apple zealots are touting this page, which purports to show that many cell phones have problems with signal coverage, depending on how you hold them.

Guess which company does NOT have a phone on this page?

That's right. Microsoft.

That's because the magical Windows Phone does not and will not have any of these problems (nor will it have cut and paste, multitasking, and a host of other "me too" features that don't matter anyway, because this is a magical device that will make you cry tears of joy when you use it.).

Thanks to John Gruber for sending this on to me. I love you, John. Not as much as my Magical Windows Phone, but almost.

Oh, oh, oh, it's magic

2010-07-16T16:31:00.000-04:00

I've been a way for a while, obviously.

The truth is, I was getting kind of depressed for a while there. Apple's unnecessary and expensive iPhone had been getting a lot of attention, and then there was the whole misleading "Apple overtakes Microsoft in capitalization" issue, which was totally misreported by the clueless bloggers in the tech industry, which get everything wrong anyway. Then Microsoft had a massive layoff, and they killed my beloved Kin.

But now? I'm back. What brought me back?

It was the crocodile tears I shed when I realized that the magical upcoming Windows Phone is going to change the world with its magical integration with the equally magical Windows Live.

Seriously, this is going to change the world. Even more than the Zune, if that's possible. Trust me, you've never seen anything like it. You have to go all the way back to Microsoft Bob to find something this magical and amazing from Microsoft.

In the meantime, the Steve Jobs VistaPhone is finally turning into the disaster I predicted years ago, Apple is under antitrust investigation, and Windows ~~Vista 2.0~~ 7 is setting sales records that would make Michael Jackson blush.

So I'm back. It's a good time to be a Microsoft toadie.

Obviously.

Time to Celebrate

2009-11-05T11:43:00.001-05:00

The latest ~~bug fix~~ version of Microsoft's superior operating system has been unleashed just in time for the upcoming holiday shopping season. I can only imagine the joy of little children everywhere as they unbox their copies of Windows ~~Vista 2~~ 7 so they can fix the pictures of their fish.

And on a related note, Merry Christmas Microsoft Employees! Thanks for making it such a great year for everyone. Microsoft appreciates your contributions, obviously.

Your Tax Dollars At Work

2009-10-31T23:22:00.001-04:00

So I'm not usually an emotional guy, obviously. But I cried* a little when I saw this. The next generation is in good hands under the leadership of Steve Ballmer and his glorious marketing crew. God bless you, Microsoft. God Bless You.

* Tears of joy. Obviously.

Wink, wink, nod, nod

2009-10-29T23:36:00.001-04:00

No one advocates piracy. Obviously.

Where In The World Is Paul Thurrott

2009-09-24T23:09:00.000-04:00

Twitter exists so that you can follow me as I travel around the world. Don't let the opportunity pass you by.

Invitations Are In The Mail

2009-09-22T21:37:00.000-04:00

Windows 7 will be the honored guest, obviously, but you're welcome to attend the launch party I'll be holding at my house. Be sure to RSVP in the comments section.

Incredible

2009-09-20T23:42:00.000-04:00

A look at some of the lines forming as people froth at the mouth for an opportunity to buy a new Zune. Microsoft has a huge hit on their hands. Obviously.

Better Than Van Halen? Obviously!

2009-08-07T03:30:00.001-04:00

So I attended a virtual meeting on the Microsoft Campus yesterday (using the amazing Windows Meeting Space, natch) where I was asked for my opinion about a new Bing jingle.* It's good to see Microsoft took my advice. Their innovative work with Soundsmith is paying off, obviously.

Lyrics:

Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet,
Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet,
Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet
Bing Goes the Internet…

If you’re looking to learn how to dance like me – Bing goes the Internet
If you want to find some pants like me – Bing goes the Internet
If you’re looking for answers to all of life’s questions – Bing goes the Internet
If you’re looking for fixes to all of life’s messes – Bing goes the Internet

Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet
Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet
Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet
Bing Goes the Internet…

* Longtime readers are familiar with my cutting-edge musical tastes.

Where In The World Is Paul Thurrott?

2009-08-04T23:54:00.001-04:00

In case you haven't noticed, I'm back in my beloved Paris.

Have I mentioned I love Europe? Obviously. No more shitty American "coffee". No more stupid Americans everywhere I go. Just brilliant Europeans and smart people like myself.

This is the life. If it weren't for the friggin' European Union and their hatred for Microsoft, I'd move here.

I'm a Busy Guy

2009-07-31T01:10:00.001-04:00

So, now that Windows Vista 2.0 is complete, I've been traveling across the globe, visiting yet another hidden corner of my beloved Europe. Silly antitrust suits nothwithstanding, Europe has the most amazing food, people, culture and coffee on the planet. Seriously, you should go there some time. Obviously.

This time I was in Amsterdam, and after letting the kids explore the red-light district, I figured it was time to put down some thoughts that didn't quite fit into Paul Thurrott's Supersite for Windows, Paul Thurrott's WinInfo Daily News, Paul Thurrott's Twitter page or Paul Thurrott's Friend Feed. Let's call this "Short Takes for The Secret Diary of Paul Thurrott".

Apple iPod Sales Tank in Anticipation of New Zune
Beleaguered consumer products company Apple Inc. released their quarterly results, and showed a shocking dip in iPod sales, which confirms something I've been saying all along: Microsoft has a real chance here to make inroads with its superior Zune Media Player and its superior software. Once the new Zune phone makes its appearance and Windows Mobile is unleashed, you'll see the end of the iPod's dominance. Obviously.

Microsoft Experiences Brief Sales Dip in Anticipation of Windows 7
The iCabal tried to draw a comparison between Apple's quarterly results and the numbers from the Redmond, WA Software Giant, but these people are just blind to reality. Folks, for every three Apple computers sold, 97 copies of Windows go out the door. It's not even close. It's unclear why the Apple zealots can't see this, but it's obvious that this temporary dip reflects the market's anticipation of the release of Vista 2.0. Besides, as the Software Giant put it in a press release, "it was an excellent achievement to deliver over $750 million of operational savings compared to the prior year quarter." Let's see Apple match those numbers. They can't. Obviously.

The EU Still Sucks Ass
I can't believe I still have to write about this, but here we go again. It's unclear why, but for all the beauty and wonder of my beloved Europe, the EU is still forcing everyone's favorite monopolist to not only remove Internet Explorer from Vista 2.0, but to actually suggest that an inferior browser such as Opera might fit the needs of this extremely intelligent population. With all due respect to my favorite region of the world, what the fuck are you people thinking? You're acting like a bunch of stupid hicks from Alabama. Y'all must be smoking too much Amsterdam weed. Obviously.

That Reminds Me
I have other responsibilities besides this blog. I don't have much time left here in Amsterdam, and there's a lot left to do, if you know what I mean. Thanks to all of you for hanging in there with me while this blog went on hiatus for a while. I'll do my best to post more regularly, but it's unclear when I'll be able to write again. I'm a busy guy. Obviously.

I Told You So

2009-04-22T21:56:00.000-04:00

I was right again. I just didn't think it would happen so soon.

In my last post on this site, I promised to have some fun with the Mac fanatics that love to pick apart my work looking for any opportunity to strike at what they perceive to be criticism of their precious platform.

So over on Paul Thurrott's Supersite For Windows, I posted a quick blurb about the exciting soon-to-be-in-production Windows 8. In that post, I cleverly hid a little tidbit for the iCabal:

"You must be spending too much time wondering why Apple can't release its not-upgrade, Snow Leopard, in a reasonable amount of time, or for free."

So, obviously, it didn't take much time before the iGoons struck. The story has been completely overtaken by space aliens, Arby's restaurant managers, moms, and heaven knows who else. I've been watching the comments come in all day. It's better than sex. The best part is, my click rate is through the proverbial roof. The iGoons are financing my next trip to France.

Thanks for proving my point. You people are nuts, sorry.

It's fun to watch them squirm

2009-04-17T23:36:00.001-04:00

Longtime readers of Paul Thurrott's Various Websites will note that not only am I the only unbiased observer of the Apple universe, I also own and use many Apple products.

Or at least I used to. I haven't been able to find a way to make a penny off Apple. They've shut me out of their campus. The best I can do is hang out at the new Apple store on Boylston street and drool on the Ikea-inspired tables.

So I've had enough.

I've been slowly divesting myself of any Apple products. The iPhone will soon be replaced with a Windows Mobile phone running software version 6.5. My iPod sits in a drawer with my Timex Sinclair 2000 while I use my beautiful brown Zune. My iBook is no match for my beloved Lenovo, my Apple TV goes largely unused since I have much more capable Media Extenders in the house, and I dropped my dot-mac service despite being a longtime user and onetime advocate.

So now the fun begins.

Since I no longer have to maintain the appearance of objectivity, I can now drop the curtain and reveal myself as the Microsoft- and Windows-loving (and I mean loving...next week I'm getting a Windows logo tatooed on my ass) guy I've always been. But not before I have some fun with the iCabal. They make it so easy.

I've been writing positive things about the Microsoft ads for a while now. Over the next couple of weeks, I'll make snide comments about Apple's pricing. I'll point out that their market share is insignificant. I'll do whatever it takes to help poor lowly Microsoft succeed against this brutal enemy. I'll be applying my insightful analysis all across the web, and kicking the living crap out of Apple at the same time.

Nothing gives me more pleasure than watching my credibility go up in direct proportion to the blood pressure of the iCabal when I poke them with a big stick on my various websites. Be sure to follow along, folks. This is going to be a lot of fun. Almost as much fun as running Paul Thurrott's Garage Sale.

Obviously.

How I Do It

2009-04-12T21:40:00.002-04:00

So it's not easy being the pre-eminent Windows tech columnist in the known universe. Obviously. Paul Thurrot's Windows Supersite remains the only reliable source for information about anything that really matters in technology (that is, anything from Microsoft). My competition just can't keep up, sorry (cough) Mary-Jo Foley and my good friend Rob Enderle.

So how do I do it? Normally I wouldn't tell you, but I'm on something of a Microsoft high after watching the latest round of "I'm a PC commercials", so I'm going to spill the beans here. Pay attention, you tech hacks (I'm looking at you, T-Shirt salesman). You could all learn something from me.

First, you have to have a deep and abiding relationship with insiders within Microsoft. How many times a year do you think I get wined and dined by these jokers? Answer: A lot. A hell of a lot, obviously. They clue me in to what's coming up down the road and I sign a NDA while laughing all the way to the bank.

Next, I write some kind of forward-looking piece of commentary on The Supersite For Windows where I advise Microsoft, telling them what direction I think they should go in. For instance, you'll notice that many months ago, I advised Microsoft to actively attack their most hated competitor (Apple, obviously) with some hard-hitting advertising. Of course I knew what was coming down the pipe. A 3% market share for Apple would be dangerous, and as a marketing guy, Steve Ballmer knows this better than anyone. So he had his lieutenants give me a preview of the new ads. (I've had them on my beloved Lenovo for months now, waiting for them to run through that contractual obligation they had with Seinfeld and Gates. I cannot tell you how much I hate Gates, by the way. The man rolled over and caved to Apple so many times, and his toxic influence is still being felt on the Redmond campus. Ballmer seems to have finally grown a pair, so maybe the Gates years are finally over, and none to soon.) But that aside, the point is I always know what's coming up before any other writer. So it's easy to prognosticate on this stuff, obviously.

Next, I expand on the point I made in several blog posts and commentary pieces (many cleverly disguised as "news" stories).

Soon, Microsoft implements their plans, and I gleefully write that they're finally listening to me. I look like a prophet of success, my reputation soars, and Mary Jo Foley gets to sweep up my droppings and spread them all over her "Inside Microsoft" blog, or whatever she's calling it these days. My brilliance leaves the rest of them eating my dust.

It's a business plan that reaps huge rewards. And only I can do it. Because I am the master.

Obviously.

Stirring Prose From The Master

2009-03-17T23:19:00.001-04:00

I'm not prone to sudden outbursts of tears, but my good friend Rob Enderle made me cry with his beautiful prose about the stunning new Dell Adamo. Please allow me a moment to personally address this fine human being. Rob: I love you, man. You've always been my favorite Apple-baiter. With this piece, you have risen to the level of master baiter. I salute you with my unnaturally large hands.

Just look at this glorious wordsmith in action:

But the Dell Adamo is the first notebook in a long time that is as much a statement as it is a PC. It stands as a counterpoint to the doom and gloom that surrounds us.

While few will probably buy the Adamo, the times are the times; it is great that Dell came out with something some of us could aspire to.

Seriously, the Adamo reminds us the economy will come back giving us a little hope and something to look forward to.

Some will say that Rob sounds like an Apple fanatic. But he's not. Obviously. Rob is just a beautiful, beautiful man, and the tech world is a better place because he's in it. Rob, I salute you with every appendage in my body. You magnificent wordsmith!

Honored Again, Obviously

2009-02-03T14:21:00.001-05:00

So, I have been honored once again by members of the PC Press for the important service I provide to the Windows Community through my various blogs, books, webcasts, magazine articles and general evangelizing. The smart people over at Ziff Davis have named me one of the Ten Best Techies Worth Following on Twitter. You'll find me right on top of my good friend Rob Enderle.

Author Jason Hiner called me a "Terrific source for information on the Microsoft product ecosystem". As I've said many times on The Windows Supersite, I'm usually the first to point out emerging trends in Windows, and you won't find analysis like this anywhere else on the web.

Obviously.

The only mystery is how anyone from Macworld could have beaten me out for one of the top five spots. I guess it just goes to show you that when it comes to evangelizing for Windows, my work is never done.

Microsoft Innovation

2009-01-26T22:39:00.001-05:00

So a lot of people are looking forward to using Microsoft's Soundsmith application. I've been testing this innovative software for a while, and I'm nearly ready to post my review over on the Supersite For Windows.

But until then, here's a teaser of the greatness to come. It's unclear why more people don't appreciate the work being done at Microsoft Research, because this is just smoking hot.

Major Recognition

2009-01-18T16:58:00.000-05:00

So I'm not one to normally talk about myself. Obviously I won't write about this on Paul Thurrott's Supersite For Windows, but you should all know that I've been recognized with a feature-length article in the well-respected technical Journal "Roughly Drafted". The authors of this prestigious publication finally recognized something I've been saying all along: The lying liars at Apple need to be called what they are: Lying Liars. The liars.

Thurrott isn’t the only one to happen upon this vast conspiracy of liberal media elitism. He was recently delighted to find a similar mindset emanating from Fake Steve Jobs blogger Dan Lyons, the man who for years defended Microsoft and SCO and vilified open source, Linux, and IBM’s support for the otherwise defenseless volunteers who wrote the open code that dared compete against the Redmond monopolist. Lyon’s support for SCO and contempt for Linux was so intense that he found new adoration from the equally phony Rob Enderle.

And finally, I'm recognized for my years of stellar reporting.

Fair and balanced reporting is not the art of making the world appear equal and non-controversial. It is reporting things that are wrong, and reporting things that are right. It is not done by comparing events to a list of ideological concepts to determine which events should be reported and for how long, but rather in presenting all the facts without an agenda.

So it's always good to be mentioned in the same breath as giants such as Lyons and Enderle, but it's more important that the mainstream tech press is finally discussing this, as I have been for years. Welcome to the party, guys. Once again I'm ahead of the curve, obviously.

You Can't Trick Me

2009-01-17T20:02:00.001-05:00

So Apple's trying to distract us from the much larger issue of Steve Jobs' health problems by making a big deal out of 500,000 applications downloaded from their so-called "app store".

It's unclear why anyone should get excited about this when faced with the obvious problem of Jobs' rapidly deteriorating health. The liars at Apple are simply trying to distract you all, sorry. After a boring Macworld that didn't introduce anything new (including a shockingly dull presentation by Phil Schiller) and pending lawsuits over the lies regarding their clearly sick CEO's health issues, they have to do something to distract the iCabal-friendly press. Their most rabid fans will eat this right up and you can expect their friends in the media, led by the usual suspects (I'm looking at you Walt Mossberg) to fall right in line.

I've got the feeling you can expect a lot more of this kind of silliness out of Cupertino for the next six months, or until a permanent replacement is named for His Holiness Mr. Jobs.

Rumors In The Cloud

2009-01-04T23:02:00.002-05:00

It's been a rough week around here. But now that my Zune is finally up and running and I can listen to VanHalen once more, I'm ready to start thinking about MacWorld again.

Hmmmm.

There. I'm done.

I won't give credence to any of the rumors being passed around the by the iCabal: You know them already: New Mac Mini. An expansion of the failed MobileMe program to include more programs in "the cloud". A new hobbled laptop that doesn't even include 23 different memory card readers like my beloved Lenovo. A netbook. An iPhone nano. Oh, and a pony.

None of this is going to happen, obviously*. Even if it does, it will pale in comparison to anything Microsoft has available, or will have available soon with ~~Windows Vista 2.5~~ Windows 7.

* You might notice that I've tried to break myself of the habit of using the word "obviously". Obviously** it's not as easy as it looks.

** D'Oh!

I'm Back!

2009-01-02T22:34:00.001-05:00

I'm back from my extended absence. Many of you have called, written, stopped by my door offering gifts, and some of you have even expressed concern for my health. I won't say where I've been except to offer this hint: Writing a book is hard!

So where were we?

Microsoft Wins Another Major Award

2007-11-27T10:58:00.000-05:00

The accolades keep rolling in for Microsoft Windows Vista. This time, cnet puts the Software Giant's newest operating system on another Top Ten List:

Any operating system that provokes a campaign for its predecessor's reintroduction deserves to be classed as terrible technology. Any operating system that quietly has a downgrade-to- previous-edition option introduced for PC makers deserves to be classed as terrible technology. Any operating system that takes six years of development but is instantly hated by hordes of PC professionals and enthusiasts deserves to be classed as terrible technology.

Windows Vista conforms to all of the above. Its incompatibility with hardware, its obsessive requirement of human interaction to clear security dialogue box warnings and its abusive use of hated DRM, not to mention its general pointlessness as an upgrade, are just some examples of why this expensive operating system earns the final place in our terrible tech list.

Any publicity is good publicity, right? If cnet (or any other tech rag besides the fair and balanced "Windows IT Pro") thinks they can stop the Windows juggernaut, they're nuts. Vista is a raging success, sorry. Anyone who says otherwise is just delusional. Obviously.

I Suck At Math

2007-10-31T04:48:00.000-04:00

So I'm lousy at math, but I'm going to run some numbers here. Help me figure out what's wrong.

Over on Paul Thurrott's Supersite Blog on Paul Thurrott's Supersite For Windows, I wrote:

"...there are one billion people using Windows right now, compared to about 25 million on Mac OS X. Do the math."

So I took my own challenge and did the math.

1,000,000,000 Windows users. 88 million copies of Vista shipped (not actually in use, but never mind that). That amounts to 8.8% of Windows users actually using Vista, which first shipped nearly a year ago.

25,000,000 Mac users (again, my numbers). 2 Million copies of Leopard sold in the first 48 hours. That amounts to 8% of Mac users using the newest OS in less than a week.

This can't mean Leopard is more successful than Vista, can it?

No way. That's just not obvious.

Ou My God!

2007-10-29T14:16:00.000-04:00

Over on The! Supersite! For! Windows!, I wrote the following:

"George Ou casts a light on a dirty little secret for Microsoft: It's* Windows Media DRM platform was open to the world for a whopping three months. I have just have one question here. What took so long?"

Actually, I already know the answer, but my corporate overlords at The! Supersite! For Windows! won't let me blog about it there. But I have no such restrictions here, so I'll tell you the truth now.

The major labels ignored this problem because they hoped Microsoft's service would pick up some steam. Remember that in his ridiculously self-serving "Thoughts on Music" manifesto, Apple Inc. King For Life Steve Jobs intoned:

"...a key provision of our agreements with the music companies is that if our DRM system is compromised and their music becomes playable on unauthorized devices, we have only a small number of weeks to fix the problem or they can withdraw their entire music catalog from our iTunes store."

My sources at Microsoft tell me that the labels weren't too upset about the breaking of Microsoft's DRM because it would probably mean more people would sign up for the subscription service in order to get "oodles" (their exact word) of free music. They intended to use the rising subscription rates as leverage in their ongoing negotiations with Apple.

Microsoft just waited the required "small number of weeks" to post the fix that they obviously had in hand from almost day one. It's not like these guys can't create a patch. They're not incompetent, after all.

But for some reason, word never got out, and the service never really gained any traction.

Still, you at least know the truth. Microsoft wasn't incompetent, they were just playing it smart.

Obviously.

* Yes, I know that there's no apostrophe in a possessive its. I just don't give a fuck. Obviously.

Meow

2007-10-26T18:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, so the new Mac OS is out today after two years and numerous delays.

As I've noted before, this is clearly an incremental update. There's nothing new or revolutionary here. But then, I've said that about every Mac update, except OS X 10.0, which I think I called a trainwreck. Or something.

Honestly, Apple hasn't done anything that hasn't already been done in Windows, UNIX, or some other OS. Their entire history has been one of small, incremental updates:

System 1.0, Finder 1.0
System 1.1, Finder 1.1g
System 2.0, Finder 4.1
System 2.1, Finder 5.0
System 3.0, Finder 5.1
System 3.2, Finder 5.3
System 3.3, Finder 5.4
System 3.4, Finder 6.1
System 4.0, Finder 5.4
System 4.1, Finder 5.5
System Software 5.0
System Software 5.1
System Software 6.0
System Software 6.0.1
System Software 6.0.2
System Software 6.0.3
System Software 6.0.4
System Software 6.0.5
System Software 6.0.6
System Software 6.0.7
System Software 6.0.8
System Software 6.0.8L
System 7.0
System 7.0.1
System 7 Tuner
System 7.1
System 7.1 Pro
System 7.1.2
System 7.1.2
System 7.5
System 7.5.1
System 7.5.2
System 7.5.3
System 7.5.3 Revision 2
System 7.5.3 Revision 2.1
System 7.5.4
System 7.5.5
Mac OS 7.6
Mac OS 7.6.1
System 7.0.1P
System 7.1P1
System 7.1P2
System 7.1P3
System 7.1P4
System 7.1P5
System 7.1P6
Mac OS 8.0
Mac OS 8.1
Mac OS 8.5
Mac OS 8.5.1
Mac OS 8.6
Mac OS 9.0
Mac OS 9.0.2
Mac OS 9.0.3
Mac OS 9.0.4
Mac OS 9.1
Mac OS 9.2
Mac OS 9.2.1
Mac OS 9.2.2
Mac OS X 10.0 (Cheetah)
Mac OS X 10.1 (Puma)
Mac OS X 10.2 (Jaguar)
Mac OS X 10.3 (Panther)
Mac OS X 10.4 (Tiger)
Mac OS X 10.5 (Leopard)

These were all small, incremental, insignificant evolutionary updates. Which means the Mac hasn't really progressed at all since it was introduced in 1984.

Obviously.

Weary

2007-10-21T18:41:00.000-04:00

It's tough to be me.

A few people have asked why I don't update this blog more often. The fact is, it's tough when you're as busy as I am. I have to update Paul Thurrott's Supersite for Windows, Paul Thurrott's Supersite for Windows Blog, Paul Thurrott's WinInfo and Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus daily. On top of that, I have Paul Thurrott's Grass To Cut, Paul Thurrott's xBox to play, and Paul Thurrott's Wife's Mac to maintain.

Like I said, it's tough to be me.

It all leaves precious little time to head over to this secret corner and converse with you folks, particularly since I'm not making any money from this site.

But soon, I may be shutting down the Nexus. After all, I'm only one man (even if I do have unnaturally huge hands). That should give me more time to spend on this site, which is more of a hobby, obviously.

So stay tuned. I'll post my exclusive thoughts on all the latest tech news right here very soon.

And Still Not As Good As A Wii

2007-10-04T14:27:00.000-04:00

Mac rumor sites were all abuzz this week at the possibility of Halo developer Bungie splitting off from Microsoft. Apple fanatics took this as a sign that their precious Macs might actually be suitable one day for gaming.

Seriously. That's how these people think.

Of course, this is ridiculous. The Mac as a gaming platform is about as serious as the Wii as a viable competitor to the xBox. But while Microsoft gamers are enjoying Halo 3, here's something for you MacHeads. This was actually featured on the front page of Macworld News. It's almost enough to make me feel sorry for "Mac Gaming Correspondent" (I actually threw up in my mouth a little when I typed that) Peter Cohen. Almost:

MTV Networks’ Nickelodeon Kids and Family Group and Hasbro on Thursday announced the availability of Monopoly: SpongeBob SquarePants Edition and Candy Land: Dora the Explorer Edition, available as downloads via Nick Arcade, and coming to CD later this month.

Sorry, but that's the true state of Mac gaming. Obviously.

Microsoft Wins A Major Award (careful: It's "fragee-lay")

2007-10-01T23:16:00.000-04:00

Microsoft finally gets some recognition:

On September 3rd, ISO announced that the Microsoft proposal had not gathered enough support to be accepted as it is. ISO will now review the comments made on the proposal, and make a final decision in February 2008. FFII president Pieter Hintjens explains, "we could never have done this by ourselves. By pushing so hard to get OOXML endorsed, even to the point of loading the standards boards in Sweden, Denmark, Switzerland, Portugal, Italy, and beyond, Microsoft showed to the world how poor their format is. Good standards just don't need that kind of pressure. All together, countries made over ten thousands technical comments, a new world record for an ISO vote. Microsoft made a heroic — and costly — effort to discredit their own proposal, and we're sincerely grateful to them."
The FFII Board says the monopolist can collect its prize of 2,500 Euros, minus the cost of registering the noooxml.org domain, 12 euros.
50,000 people from almost a hundred countries have signed the FFII's petition against OOXML to date. Hintjens concludes, "OOXML is not yet dead, even though it's been seriously discredited. Microsoft has one last chance to fix the design flaws and patent problems, and present a clean proposal next February. We think they will make cosmetic fixes and then push all the harder. It's exactly the worst approach and will alienate many governments, possibly spelling the end of their global office monopoly."

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love the Europeans.

edit: Some people have pointed out that I'm misinterpreting this and it's a bad thing. To the contrary. You people lack my superior analytical skills. All publicity is good publicity, and smart-assed little stunts like this only make Microsoft look good. Obviously.

CNET Abandons Common Sense

2007-09-27T23:35:00.000-04:00

Seriously, there's just no excuse for garbage reporting like this. CNET hack "Don Reisinger" write an article so full of lies and distortions, it tells me he's either high as a kite, or auditioning for a PR position in the Bush Administration. In an article titled, "Why Microsoft Must Abandon Vista", he calls the latest OS from the software giant "one of the biggest blunders in technology" (apparently he forgot about Windows ~~Mistake~~ Millennium Edition and Microsoft Bob).

Among the highlights:

"With each passing day, it's becoming blatantly clear that Microsoft released Vista too early and the company's continual mistakes and promises that can't be kept are further annoying the Windows faithful."

"The road ahead looks dangerous for Vista and Microsoft must realize that. With Mac OS X hot on its tail, Vista is simply not capable of competing at an OS level with some of the best software around. If Microsoft continues down this path, it will be Vista that will bring the software giant to its knees--not Bill Gates' departure."

"The time is up. Microsoft must abandon Vista and move on. It's the company's only chance at redemption."

I don't even know where to begin.

Here's the bottom line, folks: Microsoft is so dominant, it doesn't matter if Vista is a giant steaming turd (which it's not, obviously). No one's interested in the Mac outside of a few wealthy college kids and style-fanatics. No OS with less than 3 percent market share is going to "bring Microsoft to its knees". And Linux? Phhhht. Don't get me started. Grandma can't even comprehend the "Start" menu, let alone the command line.

Vista sales are fine. Microsoft is doing better than ever. Trust me. This guy is just trolling for (and apparently taking a few) hits. Obviously.

I Fought The Law

2007-09-25T19:21:00.000-04:00

So Microsoft, simply because they're Microsoft, has to put up with silly lawsuits from the likes of the European Union. I've been telling you it's only a matter of time until Apple has to face the legal music.

It's already started:

"Suit claims O.J. Simpson is "hitman" for Steve Jobs.

"Filed September 21 in the United States District Court Middle District of Florida, the 3-page handwritten complaint alleges that Simpson has been Jobs’s "hitman" since the "1985 MOVE house bombing in Philadelphia, which Jobs started with borrowed pyrotechnics from Great White.

"As for his other roles in the legal escapade, Jobs is charged with aiming nuclear missiles at Riches' brain and Lance Armstrong's bicycle, as well as price gouging iPhone customers."

Jobs and his minions will get this dismissed, obviously. But mark my words...it's the start of a trend. Frankly, it's about time.

Beam me up to the Enterprise

2007-09-25T09:18:00.000-04:00

Good grief. Here's yet another ridiculous article from E-Weak analyzing the recent EU ruling. This time, it focuses on the nonexistent "Enterprise Mac" market:

"The Court's decision against Microsoft, which upheld the Commission's finding that the Redmond, Wash., company abused its monopoly status and prevented full interoperability with other operating systems and mandated that Microsoft disclose information that would allow other server products to achieve feature parity.

" 'Currently, Mac OS X, Linux and Unix servers can access only a subset of the functionality' offered in a homogeneous Windows environment, said Matthew Sparby, a technology consultant in Minneapolis, Minn."

I have news for you, "Matthew Sparby". Currently, there is no Enterprise market for the Mac. Oh, you might find a few Mac servers in public universities or in the hands of some media producers, but that's about it. Windows is just better, sorry. All this talk about the Mac in the Enterprise is about as relevant as Linux on the Desktop.

Laughably, the article goes on to say:

"Neil Ticktin, publisher and editor-in-chief of MacTech magazine, agreed that the European court's ruling has "quite possibly a significant positive impact" for Apple.

"...more people may be forced to look at other options, but more importantly, people may have the opportunity to see the cost savings with Mac OS X Server...Mac OS X Server has nice support for heterogeneous environments, including those typically served by Windows servers. And, since Apple's flat pricing avoids per-seat charges that are common on the Windows side, the cost savings is substantial."

Sorry, but "substantial" my ass. The commodity-level pricing of Windows components, combined with the ease-of-use from the company that brought you Windows Wizards and "Clippy" is just too good to pass up. Don't even get me going on the supposed "benefits" of Linux--another toy hobbyist OS.

Real companies hire real people to work on real servers, sorry. In the real world, that means Windows, not some tinkertoy consumer OS from the company that brought you "Photo Booth" ("say cheese" indeed).

And what is "MacTech" magazine? This whole article is a joke, obviously.

update: MacTech magazine's website says "MacTech is read by technical Macintosh users ... from network administrators to programmers, from solution providers to Enterprise, and in general anyone that's interested in the Macintosh beyond the user level." In other words, about four people. What a joke.

Look To Your Right, All You Haters

2007-09-25T05:52:00.000-04:00

To everyone that commented on my last post: Look at my profile picture.

Now, look to the right of the picture..

See where it says "Not Paul"? Right there at the top? Seriously, if you're too lazy to scroll to the bottom, you should at least be able to look to the right and figure out that this page is satire. Obviously.

Heaven Help Us All

2007-09-23T22:17:00.000-04:00

I've written about this before, but the Nintendo Wii is a joke.

If ever there was a doubt, this story from CNN proves my point. It turns out 103-year-olds are hooked on the Wii. The best part of this story is watching the loser correspondent try to master Wii bowling and failing miserably.

It also says something for the mainstream media in this country when the stunning success of Microsoft's xBox and the millions of dollars generated by the gaming community is ignored for this geriatric puff piece. It's just pathetic.

Folks, if you're not playing Halo 3 on your xBox, you're not a serious gamer. Sorry, but the world doesn't need your type. And this can only spell more problems for Nintendo. I know the population is aging, but if your target market is Aunt Agnes at the nursing home, you've got a problem. Obviously.

Truth Hurts

2007-09-21T07:39:00.001-04:00

So Woot drops the price of the Zune, then drops it again to an astonishing $129 for the 30GB model.

And how do they react to the public outcry? Take a look at this open letter from Woot's Larry Stalin:

I have received more than three emails from Zune buyers who are upset about Woot dropping the price of the Zune by $20 one month after it went on sale the first time. After reading every one of these emails, or at least scanning their subject lines, I have some observations and conclusions.

First, I need to make a better effort to hide my email address.
The Zune is a breakthrough product, and we have the chance to “ride the lightning” and “shoot the curl” this holiday season, not to mention “kill the messenger” and “rock the vote”, further enabling us to “pay the rent” and “keep the lights on”. It benefits both Woot and every Zune user (but especially Woot) to drag as many new victims as possible into the Zune “dungeon”. We strongly believe that misery loves company this holiday season.

For some reason, our early customers trusted us. We must live up to that trust with our actions in moments like these, lest you turn off the money spigot that maintains our decadent lifestyles. These peacock-egg omelets and mink-lined Jacuzzis don’t pay for themselves, you know.

We want to convincingly pretend to do the right thing for our valued Zune customers. We’d apologize for disappointing some of you, but we long ago lost the capacity for sincere remorse. We will continue to do our best to trick you into having high expectations of Woot.

This is brilliant. I only wish I were this good a writer. Obviously.

Opinion: Microsoft Needs To Grow A Set

2007-09-18T18:42:00.000-04:00

It's not often that I criticize ~~my cash cow~~ Microsoft, but the time has come to call these people out for what they are: a bunch of sniveling pussies.

This week brings the news of a Microsoft defeat in the European Union. The mother-freakin' EU! Folks, I know these people. Have I mentioned that I've been to Europe? Believe me, the wine over there ain't all on the vines. Aside from an astonishing lack of personal hygiene, a lackadaisical approach to, you know, work, and a tendency to blame everything that's wrong in the world on the United States, most of these people run to Mommy Government whenever they perceive they've been slighted.

Normally, I don't have a problem with that. But these crybabies are upset that Microsoft includes (*gasp!*) a MEDIA PLAYER with Windows.

Cry me a river, Eurotrash.

Don't get me wrong. I love Europe. I think France represents the pinnacle of civilization. Any country that doesn't have NASCAR is A-OK with me. But what makes Microsoft great is pure, unadulterated, unfettered capitalism. Well, that and the ability to abuse its monopoly power to run roughshod over the competition.

But enter the EU (apparently through Microsoft's "back door", if you get my drift). These wusses try to tell one of the most successful companies in history how to do business in their pathetic collection of rag-tag has-been states...and MICROSOFT LETS THEM GET AWAY WITH IT!

Look at this tepid response to losing this lawsuit from the software giant: "We want to move forward, in compliance with the 2004 decision."

Oh, I can see all of Europe shaking in their collective shoes. But wait, there's more!

"We have conveyed our willingness to license those technologies. As a matter of business policy and approach to the industry, we are prepared to license to others in our industry, on reasonable and nondiscriminatory terms, the technologies that are important to interoperability,"

Like I said: Pussies.

You want to know why Microsoft stock has been so stagnant for the past half-decade or so? It's because of jackasses like these clowns in the EU that want to stifle good old American-style free enterprise. It works on this side of the pond, and it'll work there too.

It's time to grow a set, Microsoft. Obviously.

Rotten To The Core

2007-09-12T13:19:00.000-04:00

Those of you that love Apple should be concerned. And those of us that love Microsoft should be rejoicing.

I'm not a religious person per se, (although I do worship at the altar of Redmond, and I've been known to participate in the ritualistic chair-throwing ceremony now and then) but even I'm chanting: Verily, yea, these are the endtimes. Witness these stunning developments in the Apple universe over the past few weeks alone:

Steve Jobs announces a slew of new iPods, but the news is dominated by a consumer-unfriendly price drop of $200 on the still-overpriced and underpowered iPhone. Apple responds by offering a lame in-store credit of $100 to status-seeking suckers who bought the first version.
Hackers figure out how to unlock the iPhone, infuriating already-angry AT&T executives, who are already fuming that they weren't informed of the aforementioned price drop until after the fact, and can't understand why the Apple Stores are outselling the AT&T Stores by a 2-to-one margin (hint: Apple stores have cuter bags. Never underestimate the lure of fashion to an Apple zealot).
Apple introduces "ringtones" on the somewhat popular iTunes Music store. Not only is this capability immediately hacked, but it also doesn't work.
NBC responds to Apple's statement that the Network wanted to charge too much for its TV shows on Apple's somewhate popular iTunes music store by making its shows available on Amazon.com for the same price or less as Apple's store. Your volley, Steve-O?
The mainstream tech media echoes what I've been saying for years: Apple is the new Evil Empire. Way to come around, guys. I've been telling you this ever since the introduction of the iPod.

In the meantime, Microsoft is issuing betas of its Windows Live Suite, Windows Home Server is coming along nicely, Windows Media Center Extenders are poised to take over your living room, and the Zune just had a price drop (which Apple copied shamelessly the next day). You'd have to be nuts not to see that this all adds up to a big problem for the iPod Giant.

What started this rash of bad news? Obviously, the 3-head review I gave the iPhone over on The Supersite for Windows (the most popular Windows website in the known universe) created a paradigm shift that finally woke people up to the reality of Apple. And no, I'm not going to bump up my three-head review. I've given Apple enough head. The way they're screwing their customers these days, it's time they gave some back.

edit: Thanks to sharp-eyed reader "anonymous" (that's Greek for "I'm a prick") who pointed out an important spelling error. Note to anonymous--if you like spelling errors, be sure to read my other sites where I never make corrections! It's EXCITING!

The Beat STILL Goes On

2007-09-05T14:27:00.000-04:00

I'll have more to say about Apple's announcements (including their ridiculous consumer-unfriendly price drop) later, but let me be perfectly clear about one thing: I was not wrong. The Beatles are coming to iTunes.

Just not today. Obviously.

Rumors and Fact

2007-08-31T07:04:00.000-04:00

Over on the Nexus, I've accurately reported that Apple will soon offer music from "The Beatles" on its somewhat popular iTunes Music Store in the near future. The tagline for their upcoming special event, "The Beat Goes On", is a clear reference to the "Fab Four":

But now, there's some hand-wringing going on at Mac fanboi sites like this one, and this one, and this one, who claim that there may not be a Beatles-related introduction at Apple's upcoming "special event".

How many times to I have to say this? You can't trust Mac rumor sites, sorry. But you can trust the author of the most popular Windows website in the discovered universe (namely me). The Beatles are coming to iTunes. Obviously.

Ripoff

2007-08-20T17:22:00.000-04:00

Over on the Nexus, I wrote about the ridiculous (and obvious) ripoff of the calculator interface for the overpriced Apple iPhone. I mean, come on:

But it's not the first time.

Remember the "revolutionary" Bondi Blue iMac? A clear ripoff of a classic game:

And the most egregious example--Apple's ripoff of 3M's "Post-it" notes with their lame "stickies" (thanks to John Gruber for pointing this one out):

It's this one, though, that really makes you go wonder what they're drinking in the Cupertino water. Look at Apple's obvious use of Braun-inspired holes:

Folks, this is is pathetic. I mean, come on...if you don't see it, you're just not trying. Obviously.

Funnyman

2007-08-19T08:35:00.000-04:00

Longtime reader "anonymous" (is that greek for "Jackass"?) writes that I'm just mean, not funny.

So just for "anonymous", here's something funny.

Happy now?

Hubris

2007-08-17T10:45:00.000-04:00

I'm often perceived as a Microsoft toadie or zealot. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The fact is, I like and use Apple products. I've written positive things about the iPod, and the Windows Supersite (the most popular Windows site of its kind in the known universe) is full of great reviews of great Apple products.

It's Steve Jobs I can't stand.

Jobs is the walking embodiment of everything that is both right and wrong with Apple. I'll give him credit where credit's due: He's a great showman, and even something of a visionary, although that vision usually involves taking other people's ideas and making them better.

What gets me about Jobs is that he's a jerk. Stories about Jobs are legendary. From parking in handicapped spots to firing people randomly in elevators, the guy just comes across like a know-it-all prick, sorry.

If you need proof of the hubris of this guy, just take a look at how he pissed people off during the last round of new product introductions. Jobs took the stage to introduce a new iMac and an update to the company's previously excellent iLife software.

Jobs spoke in grand terms about the company's redesign of the iMac, as if it was anything more than a minor update. Never mind that the new glossy screen is a complete disaster for anyone working in a brightly-lit corporate environment. The company doesn't offer you an alternative. Steve knows best.

Then, he demonstrated the new re-write of the company's venerable "iMovie" program, which has raised the ire of Mac fans worldwide by basically eliminating all the advanced functions that were previously available. Even über-zealots like David Pogue are complaining. Loudly.

Next, Jobs fussed that "some people still like to make DVDs". Yes, you heard it right. Steve Jobs thinks DVDs are a dying technology. News flash, Steve: Wal*Mart sells more DVDs in a single day than the sales figures for AppleTV all year. Jobs is so convinced that DVDs are dead that he had his engineers remove the ability to insert chapter stops in iMovie.

Then, he introduced a crappy paper-thin wireless keyboard that eliminates basics like the numeric keypad. What is it with Jobs' obsession with being thin? Will somebody please give this guy a hamburger?

Apple apologists are legion, but luckily, many of the Apple fanatics are starting to see Jobs for what he really is, finally. The fact is, Apple does make some fantastic software and hardware. But everything is subject to the whim of Steve Jobs, so when Apple decides to drop features that people really like (such as matte screens on iMacs, or advanced features in iMovie), there aren't any developers or hardware manufacturers that can help fill that niche. The "Apple Faithful" are basically told, "you'll eat every bean and pea on your plate*. And you'll like it."

That's why the Microsoft ecosystem is just better. Obviously.

* Say it out loud. It sounds funnier than it reads.

Someone Should Put Music to This

2007-08-12T14:10:00.000-04:00

I'd edit this to music myself, but my wife didn't bring her Mac Mini to France:

Fake Steve Jobs Outed

2007-08-06T22:08:00.001-04:00

So this is interesting, if not particularly newsworthy. At least we know RFSJ wasn't John Dvorak (Andy Ihnatko took himself out of the running a while back). For a while I suspected my good friend Rob Enderle, but then again, he's too busy supervising his massive staff at the Enderle Group to be bothered by that kind of nonsense.

For a while, I was even a suspect. But I'm too busy posting my ~~exhausting~~ exhaustive multi-part review of Apple's overpriced iPhone over at the Windows Supersite (the most popular Windows website on the planet!), not to mention posting brilliant analysis at Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus and WEB EXCLUSIVES! at WinInformant. Plus, I'm in France. Compared to the wonders of Europe, the whole "fake" phenomenon is uninteresting, obviously.

Don't Make Me Squirt You With My Brown Zune

2007-08-04T13:27:00.000-04:00

I don't know who "John Pospisil" is, but apparently he's another Paul Thurrott wannabe, in the sense that he thinks he's a real tech reporter. He's not.

In this pathetic article, Pospisil (is that his real name?) quotes the brilliant Robbie Bach from Microsoft, who speaks eloquently about the phenomenal gains the Zune is making in the MP3 player market:

"You'll also see us broaden the brand, where today I think the Zune brand is a little bit sort of in the hard-core niche music space, we want to broaden it into the broader music space, and you're going to see that happen again over time"

Robbie likes the word "broad" a lot.

But then Popsicle, or whatever his name is, puts his caustic pen to paper and writes this tripe about the Zune's market share:

"Of course what Bach failed to mention was that the hard-disk-based media players are only a small proportion of the overall media player market, with most media players using flash memory for storage rather than hard disks. This means Microsoft’s market share of the total media player market is even smaller than it might at first appear."

Whatever. This guy's got spin that'll make you dizzier than Paris Hilton riding the teacup at DisneyWorld after taking Ecstasy. I've already pointed out that the Zune is number two in Hard Drive-based sales, Number One in brown MP3 player sales, and has no competition whatsoever for its proprietary file format!

Guys like Pospisil just don't get it. Obviously.

I Love The French

2007-08-03T15:55:00.000-04:00

Over on the Nexus website, I wrote about the long, involved and painful process of getting my overpriced Apple iPhone running in France. I love that I'll be able to write this trip off as "research" for my upcoming EXCLUSIVE review of the iPhone.

Anyway, what I didn't tell you in that article is this: the French made a few concessions and adjustments to let me use the iPhone in their country. Since I travel here so often (and they're so happy to have me) they were thrilled to do whatever needed to be done to allow me to continue my research.

I think this was worth it:

Obviously, you can't take the elevator to the top any more, but the view was unimpressive anyway.

Billions, Schmillions

2007-08-01T02:06:00.000-04:00

Greetings from France. It's nice to be in a country that has an even lower market share for Apple products than the United States. People are just so much more enlightened here. More on this later, but first I have to get this out of the way:

So Apple claims to have sold 3 Billion songs via the iTunes Music Store. It's unclear how many of these are giveaways, and how many represent actual sales, but whatever. Those are the numbers they're pushing, so it's what we have to work with. The Mac web and their willing accomplices in the mainstream tech press are falling all over themselves to report this "achievement".

I don't see why this is a big deal. On the excellent Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus, I've used elaborate charts like this one to show that iTunes has peaked and is clearly dying:

But some of you still don't get it. So here are the only numbers you really need to know:

Number of Zunes sold: Over 1,000,0000
Number of songs sold on the iTunes music store that will play on the Zune: ZERO
Number of songs sold on the iTunes music store that will play on any portable player other than the iPod: ZERO

Look at this chart for proof (click on the image for a larger version):

It's only a matter of time until Apple's feeble efforts in music sink the company into irrelevancy. The number speak for themselves. Obviously.

Et tu, Dvorak?

2007-07-30T12:04:00.000-04:00

It's as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

A lot of you have e-mailed me with the news that the formerly-respected John Dvorak has "turned Mac". I've avoided writing about it for a while because frankly, Dvorak isn't very interesting. But I can't ignore this forever, so here we go:

Guys like Dvorak really annoy me. Here's a guy who's made a career out of Mac-bashing, and he had the credibility to do it. He used to be the back-page columnist for MacWorld, until he saw the light and became a PC guy.

Now, he writes an (obviously) Mac-baiting article designed to up his hit count, impress his editors and get him lots of ink, while all the while he admits that a Mac is not his primary machine, never will be, but that he recommends them to his friends.

Note to Dvorak: It's called eating your own dogfood, Johnny-boy. If you're going to make your living writing about the wonders of Windows and baiting Mac fanbois, you need to be true to your word. You'd never see my good friend Rob Enderle pull this kind of crap. Now put down that toy, pick up the mouse with those chubby little fingers, cruise your lardass over to the DELL website and pick up a real computer preloaded with the exciting Vista software*. What the hell were you thinking?

*See the exhaustive review at Paul Thurrott's Supersite for Windows!

Something's Fishy

2007-07-26T10:34:00.001-04:00

Those of you who read the excellent "Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus" will note that I've done my best to point out that Apple is less and less focused on the Mac these days, obviously. Ever since they dropped the word "Computer" from their name, Steve Jobs has been obsessed with iPods, the ill-fated AppleTV and the overpriced Apple iPhone. Apple simply doesn't care about desktop computing and, therefore, Macs. Here are a few samples for those you you that haven't been paying attention:

From June 11: "I think that we will all look back on this day as the time when we stopped thinking about desktop OSes and focused on the mobile, Web-based future."

From June 13: "And now we know that OS X is as mature an OS as is Windows and, in the end, there's really just not much you can do beyond the evolutionary stuff. Ultimately, that's why the mobile device stuff is so exciting, at least on the Apple side: It's a place where Apple can continue to make big advances."

And I've repeatedly pointed out that Apple doesn't care about the Mac any more. We had a MacWorld where Steve-O didn't even talk about the Mac! I've been beating this drum for a long time.

Anyway. That's what makes Apple's recent earnings announcement so disturbing. Most Macs sold in a quarter ever? What's up with that? Of course, all of this means nothing. Since the larger PC market is also growing (although not as fast as Apple), they have to run several times as hard just to post even minor gains. Their 2.49% worldwide market share is still a pimple on the ass of Windows.

But still, I have to wonder how they were able to sell so many Macs in a single quarter, especially when my flawless analysis showed that Apple doesn't really care about selling computers any more.

It's a good thing I have a trip to France coming up. I need to ponder this.

Hats off to Woz

2007-07-26T03:40:00.000-04:00

Unlike that other Steve, Steve Wozniak is a class act. The guy even stood in line to get his overpriced iPhone (although to be honest, he was probably afraid King Jobs wouldn't follow through on his promise to give him one the next day).

Anyway. Apparently "The Woz" has compiled a list of features he'd like to see on the iPhone, and he plans on presenting this to His Jobsness the next time they meet. I think Wozniak has come up with the ultimate feature. According to this article, "he’d also like to display the temperature, in Celsius, on the home screen."

That's a great idea, and one I'll be sure to add this obvious missing feature to my comprehensive iPhone review on Paul Thurrott's Supersite for Windows if I ever get around to completing it. Celsius is just better, sorry. Whenever I visit France, I marvel at their sophisticated use of this temperature-measurement system. Fat Americans just don't get it, and Woz will make a huge contribution towards the betterment of this country if he can convince the other (stubborn) Steve to do the right thing.

One More Time

2007-07-25T00:49:00.000-04:00

So I was ~~Googling~~ Windows Live™ searching my name this morning, and I came across this gem:

"Thurrottup finally fixed his comparison to accurately reflect the fact that Apple's pricing is, indeed cheaper."

Here we go again. Another Mac loser that doesn't know how to pronounce my name. It's pronounced "Thir-ROT", not "Thir-ROW". I realize the second pronunciation would be more French-like, and thus closer to perfection, but it's not. If you're going to criticize me, please get it right. It's one thing to spell my name wrong (something that happens a lot, obviously), but it's altogether different to make a bad joke that doesn't even make sense.

One more time: It's "Thir-ROT", as in "The thoroughly rotten Mac OS", not "Thir-ROW", as in "Row on down the river Hades to buy a copy of Vista". It's unclear to me how anyone can fail to understand this.

On a Personal Note

2007-07-19T14:47:00.000-04:00

One of my problems is that people just aren't nice enough to each other.

I've been on the receiving end of a lot of this. I know that's surprising--especially being one of the most respected tech journalists on the planet, the author of Paul Thurrott's WinInfo, Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus, and Paul Thurrott's Supersite for Windows, and the author of many bestselling books. Some people think I have a big ego. Go figure.

Despite being the epitome of "fair and balanced", people continue to throw eggs at me. I've been called everything from a Jackass to a Gutless Troll. The children over at Roughly Drafted have made a career out of criticizing me. It's really weird, because I don't deserve it. For instance, I've received some flack for my recent post involving the omnipresent Google cameras. If you haven't read it, go over to the excellent Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus and check it out.

I'm not stupid. I know that those really aren't "Google's" cameras. I know that Microsoft's "Live Earth" offers the same functionality (and it's even better. Obviously). And I know that there's no way to do real-time surveillance using Google.

Folks, none of this matters.

I'm trying to make a point here. Google is Evil. Never mind that I use their services, love their e-mail, schedule with their calendars, use their search engine, and blog with their blogging tools. I only do these things so you don't have to. I want to protect you from the Evil that is Google, and I can't do that effectively if I don't gaze into the eyes of the beast, so to speak. If I have to get hyperbolic to make my point now and then, so be it. At least it gets me quoted. Not as often as my good friend Rob Enderle, but often enough. And that's what matters.

It's the same with the Mac. Despite owning Macs, forcing my wife to use one, and writing exhaustive reviews and commentary on every gadget Apple produces, I am and remain a Windows guy. Why? Basically, I haven't figured out a way to really make money from Apple. Plus, I can't stand that arrogant Steve Jobs, obviously. But none of that compromises my credibility.

So while I understand some of the criticism from Apple fanbois, Penguin-heads and Microsoft-haters, I'm here to tell you it's totally unjustified.

Are You Being Served?

2007-07-18T07:50:00.000-04:00

Finally, Microsoft gets one right:

Microsoft has filed another patent, this one for an "advertising framework" that uses "context data" from your hard drive to show you advertisements and "apportion and credit advertising revenue" to ad suppliers in real time.

This is what we need, people. Better ads.

Thankfully, Microsoft isn't bound by some silly (and irrelevant, sorry) corporate directive to "do no evil". It's about time Microsoft took off the gloves and started competing directly with the hypocrites at Google. This is a good thing. Now, when Microsoft indexes your hard drive (under the auspices of easy "desktop search"), they can direct targeted ads based on your personal information.

Who wouldn't want this?

I can understand why people would be uneasy if this were being offered by Apple or Google. But this is Microsoft we're talking about, folks. As they say in their own patent application:

"The ability to derive and process context data from local sources rather than monitor interactions with a remote entity, such as a server, benefits both consumers and advertisers by delivering more tightly targeted advertisements. The benefit to the user is the perception that the ads are more relevant, and therefore, less of an interruption. The benefit to the advertiser is better focus and a higher chance of conversion to a sale."

Obviously.

No Post

2007-07-13T11:40:00.000-04:00

I'm off to France this weekend for a well-deserved break from iPhone mania. I'll report back on Monday with my travel woes and news about how much more intelligent, enlightened, and polite the French are. Obviously.

See you then.

The $1,975 iPod

2007-07-11T17:43:00.000-04:00

I don't know what's going on here, but first I had to compliment John Gruber today, and now Mac Zealot Tom Yager gets it right:

"The unhappy fact is that for all the glamorous marketing and positioning, iPhone turns out to be the worst $1,975 investment (iPhone plus two years minimum, mandatory service) you could make in mobile communications. If you put that kind of money into a BlackBerry, Treo, Windows Mobile, or Symbian device, you will be blown away by what a genuine professional mobile handset can do for you, out of the box, through incremental improvement by the manufacturer and wireless operator, and extension by downloadable third-party software."

I sense a disturbance in the force.

On Comments

2007-07-11T15:07:00.000-04:00

You'll notice that I allow comments on this blog, wheras on other Paul Thurrott-branded sites, comments are not allowed (Paul Thurrott's WinInfo is an exception, but I don't call the shots there. Obviously.).

There are a few good reasons for this. First, hardly anyone reads this blog, so it doesn't matter much here. I'll re-evaluate the comment policy if it gets popular. Second, I don't need comments from rabid Mac Zealots clogging up my bandwidth. Since I don't pay for hosting this blog (thank you, Google), again, it doesn't matter.

But the best justification for not allowing comments comes from, of all places, long-winded T-Shirt salesman John Gruber, who said in a recent interview:

"I wanted to write a site for someone it’s meant for. That reader I write for is a second version of me. I’m writing for him. He’s interested in the exact same things I’m interested in; he reads the exact same websites I read. I want him to like this website so much that he reads it from the top to the bottom, and he reads everything. Every single word. The copyright statement, what software I use, he’s read it all.

"If I turn comments on, that goes away. It’s not that I don’t like sites with comments on, but when you read a site with comments it automatically puts you, the reader, in a defensive mode where you’re saying, “what’s good in this comment thread? What can I skim?”

"It’s totally egotistical. I want Daring Fireball to be a site that you can’t skim if you’re in the target audience for it. You say, “Oh, a new article from John. I need to read it,” and your deadlines go whizzing by because you have to read what I wrote."

Translation: I'm brilliant, you're not, I don't need you.

I never thought I'd find myself agreeing with Gruber, but there you have it. Even a broken clock is right at least once a day.

Sinking the iPhone

2007-07-11T14:56:00.000-04:00

Over on the excellent "Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus" website, you'll read my three part, 2,000-word look at sync problems with Apple's overpriced, underpowered iPhone. For those of you that can't understand why I'm spending so much time and energy covering synchronization, let me explain it to you this way: The iPhone, unfortunately, is excellent. I've spent every waking moment since I got this thing trying to find its Achilles Heel, and it looks like sync might be it.

Therefore, it would be irresponsible for me to ignore it, or not write about it in excruciating detail. My regular readers would expect no less from me. My only fear is that by the time I get around to writing the actual review, Apple will have sent out a software update fixing whatever problem I might be having. That's why it's important to write so much so soon. I need to get quoted and stop whatever momentum the iPhone has, even if I have to do it singlehandedly.

Even Name Sounds Funny

2007-07-09T12:09:00.000-04:00

In one of my more brilliant headline-grabbing moments, I recently opined (on "Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus") that "The Wii is a joke, a novelty console that doesn't offer much staying power. Either the 360 or PS3 would be a better choice for almost anyone."

I stand by that statement, sorry. The Wii is Nintendo's lame attempt at emulating the shocking success of the Xbox 360, albeit with crappier games and that stupid "Wii-mote". Even the price of the thing screams, "I'm Cheap!" The Wii is the Britney Spears of gaming consoles--cheap, easy, fun to play with for a while, but ultimately unsatisfying.

And now (as if you really needed it) there's another reason to buy the technically-superior Xbox: Microsoft is extending the warranty! Now you can easily "brick" your Xbox by running it for a couple hours in an enclosed box, and get a new one whenever you like! What other company offers you this kind of easy replacement goodness? This is a billion-dollar investment in you.

I guarantee you this: You'll never get this kind of consumer-oriented response from Sony or Nintendo. I'm on my third XBox, and despite the constant bricking, the loud fan, and the scratched discs I've experienced, I'd rather chew tinfoil soaked in urine than play with my Wii.

And don't even get me going on the PS3. Never mind that Sony just dropped the price by $100. Unless you want to watch high-definition movies straight out of the box (in the technically-inferior BluRay format), this thing offers nothing over the superior Xbox. Besides, when you purchase the separate and technologically-superior $200 HD-DVD player for your Xbox, you get to have one more item in your home from Microsoft. And who wouldn't want that, really?

Photo from wiiwii.tv

Wordsmith

2007-07-07T18:23:00.000-04:00

So like I said before, I'm not going to review the iPhone until I've had the chance to put it through its paces (and see what everyone else thinks. Obviously.).

But that won't stop me from writing about the iPhone. So far, between the excellent Internet Nexus website, my popular Windows Supersite and my "news" site at WinInformant, I've written an astonishing 5,600 words on the iPhone already. I might have written more, but I'm not counting comments on Mac message boards under various pseudonyms. To put that in perspective, that's about a month's worth of articles from that hack David Pogue.

Keep in mind that these aren't "reviews". As the tech world's most important writer, and the author of The Most Popular Windows Website in the Galaxy, I must be thoughtful and considerate, choosing my words carefully. These are "news" stories, "first impressions", "observations" and "thoughts". So don't quote me, because my opinion can and will change. Obviously.

What's In A Name

2007-07-04T14:03:00.000-04:00

Over on the excellent "Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus" website, I wrote: "I'm adult enough to be frisky without having to call anyone a jackass."

Actually that's not true. Dave Winer is a Jackass, as I have repeatedly pointed out. I only wrote what I did because I was poking at t-shirt salesman John Gruber.

Anyway. I got thinking about this when I read a New York Magazine article about Steve Jobs that stated, "Yet the most common descriptor applied to him, by friends and foes and even Jobs himself, is 'asshole.' "

That got me thinking. I wonder what people say about me? So here are the results:

Paul Thurrott Asshole: 13,300 results
Paul Thurrott Jackass: 580 results
Paul Thurrott Asshat: 154 results

Clearly I'm not in Steve Jobs' league. Yet. But I'm still slightly ahead of that do-gooder Mary Jo Foley and my good friend Rob Enderle, who come in at 11,400 and 988, respectively.

Take that!

Thurrott-le Down The Hype

2007-07-02T17:09:00.000-04:00

A lot of Mac fans (translation: zealots) don't "get" guys like me and the esteemed Rob Enderle. To these flavor-aid swilling devotees of Cupertino, Apple can do no wrong, and anyone who says otherwise is either a Microsoft shill, or just plain delusional. They don't realize there's a whole world outside the walled garden that is Apple Inc.

That's why I'm so important to the tech world. I provide balance. The iPhone is a perfect example...even though I've already written more about the iPhone than anyone else on the Internet, I haven't posted an "official" review yet. That's because these things take time. I must first put my finger in the wind,* read what everyone else has to say, damn the unit with faint praise, then key in on any minor shortcomings with laser beam-like focus, proclaiming that Apple missed the mark. It helps if I can compare it unfavorably to a Microsoft product.

It's an important service that I offer. After all, I wouldn't want to be like these hacks:

Michael DeAgonia (Computerworld.com) proclaims the iPhone worthy of Star Trek: "Forget communicators and phasers. I have something better and seemingly more advanced. I have an iPhone..."

This dweeb conveniently omits the fact that the iPhone does not serve as a Tricorder, leaving you without the ability to gather critical medical information in the event of an emergency. It's stunning that Apple would leave out this critical feature.

Lev Grossman at TIME magazine needs a towel: "Whoever managed this project at Apple will be hailed as a Michelangelo, and the iPhone his or her Sistine Chapel..."

How ridiculous. The iPhone doesn't even include the most rudimentary version of Paint. What's the point of a touchscreen if you can't treat it like a tablet? Pathetic.

And speaking of towels, the folks over at "stuff.tv" have this to say: "...if you’re concerned about a smudged screen...heck, that’s what sleeves are for – or if you’re fussy, you could always use the included cloth. In fact, you might need to keep it to hand – a few hours with the iPhone is guaranteed to be a very steamy experience."

Aside from the obvious--ick--this one is a no-brainer. There is no porn included on the iPhone. With all those bundled apps, you'd think they'd throw the early-adopter geeks a bone, so to speak.

It just goes on and on, folks. Seriously, someone needs to serve as a glass of ice water in this Hell of congratulatory back-slapping. That's what I'm here for. Balance.

Plus, let's be honest...it takes time to do a thorough review of a product like this. First, I have to try almost singlehandedly to quell the hype. Then, I'll write a few kind words about how the product is good, but ultimately flawed. Then, I'll mercilessly mock it over on my WinInfo "news" site (in both regular articles and as part of a future "Short Takes"), while simultaneously praising it in a "Connected Home" article. Finally, I'll write up a 30,000-word essay over on the Windows Supersite (the most popular Windows website on this or any other planet), where I'll give it four or so "Paul Heads", and call it a day.

THAT is how you do a review.

*After pulling it out of my arse, of course.

It's Not Just My Hands

2007-07-02T15:06:00.000-04:00

So obviously, I got my iPhone, and I've already written about how my massive hands (see my EXCLUSIVE! iPhone preview over on the Windows Supersite) can't quite type well on this thing.

Have I mentioned I have freakishly large hands? You know what they say about people who have big hands.*

Anyway, it's not just my hands that are big. Read about my big "but" over on the Nexus.

*They have big gloves.

iDiot

2007-06-29T08:19:00.000-04:00

At first I thought this was a joke--a picture of former-Microsoftie-turned-traitor Robert Scoble in line for an iPhone:

But then I stopped by his "Scobleizer" blog, and sure enough, he's bragging about being first in line. Even worse, he's sucking up to former Apple programmer Bill Atkinson.

I have two exclusive thoughts here, none of which you'll read anywhere else in the tech press. First, whatever else you might think about Apple, Atkinson is a true legend...he was Apple's first software developer. The guy wrote MacPaint and Hypercard! Look at the picture on Scoble's site: Why does Apple make a frail old man stand in line for an iPhone? It's repulsive, really.

The second point involves Scoble: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. This is really sad. Seeing someone like Scoble, a guy I used to really respect, sitting there on that ugly corduroy beanbag chair, with his pathetic MacBook, sucking up to the passerby for all the publicity he can get...it's just sickening.

Unless I get distracted by something shiny, I'll have more on this issue over at the Supersite (the most popular Windows Website in this or any other galaxy) later today.

Yeah, I'm that upset.

update: Apparently even Steve Wozniak had to stand in lin e. I guess you can't get this overpriced keyboard-less accessory early unless you're willing to write a glowing review. Obviously.

Roly Poly Foley

2007-06-28T09:09:00.000-04:00

Crap. I've been one-upped by Mary Jo Foley yet again:

"Apple’s iPhone is going to be compatible with Microsoft Exchange Server, after all.
"While I can’t speak to Apple’s plans regarding Blackberry and Good, my sources are saying Apple can and will make the iPhone compatible with Exchange Server.

"Here’s what I’m hearing: Apple will announce this week — possibly as soon as June 27 — that it has licensed the Exchange ActiveSync licensing protocol. Via the licensing arrangement, Apple iPhone users will be able to connect to Exchange Server and make use of its wireless messaging and synchronization capabilities."

As to the news itself, this is obviously a good thing, because the iPhone is bound to be insecure. Once the first virus tunnels through the Enterprise via an iPhone, it's game over for Apple.

But as to the real issue at hand, I have to ask Steve Ballmer: Are you punishing me because I said I planned to buy an iPhone? How do you expect me to keep writing the most popular Windows Site in the galaxy if you don't give me dibs on these scoops? Seriously.

Overpriced Keyboard-less Phone Review Roundup

2007-06-27T08:09:00.000-04:00

I'll be so glad when Apple's overpriced, keyboard-less iPhone is finally released so I can get back to singing the praises of Vista and writing stories about how Linux is dying. In the meantime, here's a roundup of the latest in iPhone-y news, most of it written by people willing to strike a deal with King Steve of Cupertino to get one of these things in their hands early:

The New York Post gets it right:

TENS of thousands of people are expected to line up this Friday for the most hyped gadget of the decade - the iPhone.
Don't be one of them.

Wally-world Mossberg gets it wrong:

"the iPhone is, on balance, a beautiful and breakthrough handheld computer... the iPhone is a whole new experience and a pleasure to use."

David Pogue pulls his head out of Steve Jobs' ass long enough to finally publish the review he's been sitting on for months:

"...the iPhone is still the most sophisticated, outlook-changing piece of electronics to come along in years. It does so many things so well, and so pleasurably, that you tend to forgive its foibles."

And Steven Levy of Newsweek should be fired for consorting with the enemy. Whatever happened to journalistic ethics? This guy clearly got paid to write this glowing "review":

" 'Everyone we talk to hates their phones—it’s universal,' Steve Jobs told me on a call to my iPhone a couple of days ago. (The control-freaky Apple CEO was just checking up to see how I was doing.)

"iPhone is a significant leap. It’s a superbly engineered, cleverly designed and imaginatively implemented approach to a problem that no one has cracked to date: merging a phone handset, an Internet navigator and a media player in a package where every component shines, and the features are welcoming rather than foreboding. The iPhone is the rare convergence device where things actually converge."

Of course, none of this means anything until I post my comprehensive 20,000-word review on the Windows Supersite. Obviously.

edit: Corrected a minor spelling error

Sprint Sense

2007-06-26T07:06:00.000-04:00

So now it seems that Sprint is preparing for Friday's introduction of the overpriced keyboard-less (see my exclusive write-up on the Windows Supersite!) Apple iPhone by preparing the following excellent list of talking points for their retail staff:

"Using the iPhone on the GSM/EDGE network may be like having a really powerful computer on dial up."

"Whether you want music, email, web surfing or business files, our phones will download everything faster."

"Concerned about coverage? I think you’ll see that we are comparable or better than all other carriers. Let me show you the map on our Power Network Coverage Tool to verify your coverage area."

"We have many handsets that are MP3 players."

"You want to have music with your phone? Let me show you the new Upstage or the Fusic II."

"Any music phone from Sprint lets you download songs instantly – out of thin air."

"Are you sure 4G or 8G is enough storage for you? To give you a comparison, most iPods/MP3 players hold 40 to 60Gigs or more."

"The Upstage takes external mini-disks for unlimited storage."

"Sure we have less expensive phones than the iPhone. The MotoQ, for example, is only $79 and is an MP3 player, PDA, camera, mobile internet device, and of course, a phone."

"Most current Smartphones have secure email necessary for business functionality. "

"The iPhone uses Yahoo and Mac email which is not secure. "

"[iPhone] has a non-replaceable battery. "

"[iPhone] offers no external storage. "

"The iPhone is an Apple product and has some nice features. It also has a nice price. Do you really need all those features in one device?"

Good stuff. But they forgot to mention the number one reason to not buy an iPhone, offered up by my good friend Rob Enderle:

"I think dropping it is likely."
"A lot of kids are going to get this phone. Kids do a lot of 'blind' texting on their phones" without looking at the screen, sometimes while they're driving, Enderle said. "With a touch screen phone, you have to look at the screen."
"One of these children is going to end up in someone's trunk," he said. "Often it's the vendor that's held accountable."

Of course, Rob will take a lot of heat from Macintosh zealots for pointing out what everyone already knows--if your kid buys an iPhone he'll die. Obviously.

Baby You Can Drive My CARS

2007-06-25T20:15:00.001-04:00

Once again, the MacWeb rises to the occasion and, through the indisputably brilliant CARS website, recognizes my brilliance, putting me ahead of Rob Enderle in their rundown of the greatest tech sites on the web.

And they didn't even mention Mary Jo Foley.

Or Walt Mossberg.

Take that, David Pogue!

Darling Furball

2007-06-25T10:37:00.000-04:00

So I returned from an overnight visit to France to discover that Gruber linked to this blog. I nearly choked on my Brie when I looked at the stats. I haven't seen this much traffic since I last checked the Windows Supersite.

Maybe I should start selling T-shirts, too.

I Have More Class Than That

2007-06-24T08:17:00.001-04:00

John Gruber is at it again.

I have more class than to call someone a jackass (well, actually, I don't), but Gruber is once again picking on the second most influential and intelligent writer in the tech industry, my good friend and pundit, leader of the heavily-staffed Enderle Group, Rob Enderle.

I don't know what's up with guys like Gruber. This long-winded T-shirt salesman needs to go back to work. Get a real job, hippie. Maybe you could write a tech site like mine...the most popular Windows Site in the Known Universe. Seriously.

LOLApple

2007-06-22T15:06:00.000-04:00

I often write about the sorry state of the "MacWeb"--a loosely defined term for they myriad Apple-fanboy blogs and so-called news sites that write about Apple. Unlike the professionals like myself (who writes for The Most Popular Windows Site on the Planet), these hacks drool buckets over every pronouncement Steve Jobs makes.

But every now and again, one site gets it right. Here's a rumor I can't wait to see in the harsh light of day. For once, it looks like Apple might be ahead of the curve.

Ballmer, are you listening?

A Mac Site Gets it Right

2007-06-22T13:57:00.000-04:00

It looks like whoever is doing the hiring over at TUAW finally picked up someone who can do some real analysis.

Remember: Agreeing with Paul is always the right thing to do.

Thanks, "Dan Pourhadi". Whoever the hell you are.

myPhone

2007-06-22T13:25:00.000-04:00

As I revealed in an EXCLUSIVE! story on Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus, I do plan on purchasing an iPhone. Obviously.

Never mind that my massive fingers won't be able to work the lilliputian keyboard (have I mentioned that I have huge hands, Steve?), or that the thing's just ridiculously overpriced, or that I already have about 50 phones courtesy of my friends at Microsoft that run the clearly superior Windows Mobile operating system.

I have to have some credibility when I write my article for the Supersite for Windows (the most popular Windows website in the known universe) saying what a piece of useless overpriced crap it is. Someone has to serve as a foil to that uptight Walt Mossberg. It may as well be me.

In the meantime, you can check out my EXCLUSIVE story over on the Nexus. You won't want to miss it!