Thursday, September 27, 2007

CNET Abandons Common Sense

Seriously, there's just no excuse for garbage reporting like this. CNET hack "Don Reisinger" write an article so full of lies and distortions, it tells me he's either high as a kite, or auditioning for a PR position in the Bush Administration. In an article titled, "Why Microsoft Must Abandon Vista", he calls the latest OS from the software giant "one of the biggest blunders in technology" (apparently he forgot about Windows Mistake Millennium Edition and Microsoft Bob).

Among the highlights:

"With each passing day, it's becoming blatantly clear that Microsoft released Vista too early and the company's continual mistakes and promises that can't be kept are further annoying the Windows faithful."

"The road ahead looks dangerous for Vista and Microsoft must realize that. With Mac OS X hot on its tail, Vista is simply not capable of competing at an OS level with some of the best software around. If Microsoft continues down this path, it will be Vista that will bring the software giant to its knees--not Bill Gates' departure."

"The time is up. Microsoft must abandon Vista and move on. It's the company's only chance at redemption."

I don't even know where to begin.

Here's the bottom line, folks: Microsoft is so dominant, it doesn't matter if Vista is a giant steaming turd (which it's not, obviously). No one's interested in the Mac outside of a few wealthy college kids and style-fanatics. No OS with less than 3 percent market share is going to "bring Microsoft to its knees". And Linux? Phhhht. Don't get me started. Grandma can't even comprehend the "Start" menu, let alone the command line.

Vista sales are fine. Microsoft is doing better than ever. Trust me. This guy is just trolling for (and apparently taking a few) hits. Obviously.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I Fought The Law

So Microsoft, simply because they're Microsoft, has to put up with silly lawsuits from the likes of the European Union. I've been telling you it's only a matter of time until Apple has to face the legal music.

It's already started:

"Suit claims O.J. Simpson is "hitman" for Steve Jobs.

"Filed September 21 in the United States District Court Middle District of Florida, the 3-page handwritten complaint alleges that Simpson has been Jobs’s "hitman" since the "1985 MOVE house bombing in Philadelphia, which Jobs started with borrowed pyrotechnics from Great White.

"As for his other roles in the legal escapade, Jobs is charged with aiming nuclear missiles at Riches' brain and Lance Armstrong's bicycle, as well as price gouging iPhone customers."

Jobs and his minions will get this dismissed, obviously. But mark my's the start of a trend. Frankly, it's about time.

Beam me up to the Enterprise

Good grief. Here's yet another ridiculous article from E-Weak analyzing the recent EU ruling. This time, it focuses on the nonexistent "Enterprise Mac" market:

"The Court's decision against Microsoft, which upheld the Commission's finding that the Redmond, Wash., company abused its monopoly status and prevented full interoperability with other operating systems and mandated that Microsoft disclose information that would allow other server products to achieve feature parity.

" 'Currently, Mac OS X, Linux and Unix servers can access only a subset of the functionality' offered in a homogeneous Windows environment, said Matthew Sparby, a technology consultant in Minneapolis, Minn."
I have news for you, "Matthew Sparby". Currently, there is no Enterprise market for the Mac. Oh, you might find a few Mac servers in public universities or in the hands of some media producers, but that's about it. Windows is just better, sorry. All this talk about the Mac in the Enterprise is about as relevant as Linux on the Desktop.

Laughably, the article goes on to say:

"Neil Ticktin, publisher and editor-in-chief of MacTech magazine, agreed that the European court's ruling has "quite possibly a significant positive impact" for Apple.

"...more people may be forced to look at other options, but more importantly, people may have the opportunity to see the cost savings with Mac OS X Server...Mac OS X Server has nice support for heterogeneous environments, including those typically served by Windows servers. And, since Apple's flat pricing avoids per-seat charges that are common on the Windows side, the cost savings is substantial."
Sorry, but "substantial" my ass. The commodity-level pricing of Windows components, combined with the ease-of-use from the company that brought you Windows Wizards and "Clippy" is just too good to pass up. Don't even get me going on the supposed "benefits" of Linux--another toy hobbyist OS.

Real companies hire real people to work on real servers, sorry. In the real world, that means Windows, not some tinkertoy consumer OS from the company that brought you "Photo Booth" ("say cheese" indeed).

And what is "MacTech" magazine? This whole article is a joke, obviously.

update: MacTech magazine's website says "MacTech is read by technical Macintosh users ... from network administrators to programmers, from solution providers to Enterprise, and in general anyone that's interested in the Macintosh beyond the user level." In other words, about four people. What a joke.

Look To Your Right, All You Haters

To everyone that commented on my last post: Look at my profile picture.

Now, look to the right of the picture..

See where it says "Not Paul"? Right there at the top? Seriously, if you're too lazy to scroll to the bottom, you should at least be able to look to the right and figure out that this page is satire. Obviously.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Heaven Help Us All

I've written about this before, but the Nintendo Wii is a joke.

If ever there was a doubt, this story from CNN proves my point. It turns out 103-year-olds are hooked on the Wii. The best part of this story is watching the loser correspondent try to master Wii bowling and failing miserably.

It also says something for the mainstream media in this country when the stunning success of Microsoft's xBox and the millions of dollars generated by the gaming community is ignored for this geriatric puff piece. It's just pathetic.

Folks, if you're not playing Halo 3 on your xBox, you're not a serious gamer. Sorry, but the world doesn't need your type. And this can only spell more problems for Nintendo. I know the population is aging, but if your target market is Aunt Agnes at the nursing home, you've got a problem. Obviously.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Truth Hurts

So Woot drops the price of the Zune, then drops it again to an astonishing $129 for the 30GB model.

And how do they react to the public outcry? Take a look at this open letter from Woot's Larry Stalin:

I have received more than three emails from Zune buyers who are upset about Woot dropping the price of the Zune by $20 one month after it went on sale the first time. After reading every one of these emails, or at least scanning their subject lines, I have some observations and conclusions.

First, I need to make a better effort to hide my email address.

The Zune is a breakthrough product, and we have the chance to “ride the lightning” and “shoot the curl” this holiday season, not to mention “kill the messenger” and “rock the vote”, further enabling us to “pay the rent” and “keep the lights on”. It benefits both Woot and every Zune user (but especially Woot) to drag as many new victims as possible into the Zune “dungeon”. We strongly believe that misery loves company this holiday season.

For some reason, our early customers trusted us. We must live up to that trust with our actions in moments like these, lest you turn off the money spigot that maintains our decadent lifestyles. These peacock-egg omelets and mink-lined Jacuzzis don’t pay for themselves, you know.

We want to convincingly pretend to do the right thing for our valued Zune customers. We’d apologize for disappointing some of you, but we long ago lost the capacity for sincere remorse. We will continue to do our best to trick you into having high expectations of Woot.

This is brilliant. I only wish I were this good a writer. Obviously.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Opinion: Microsoft Needs To Grow A Set

It's not often that I criticize my cash cow Microsoft, but the time has come to call these people out for what they are: a bunch of sniveling pussies.

This week brings the news of a Microsoft defeat in the European Union. The mother-freakin' EU! Folks, I know these people. Have I mentioned that I've been to Europe? Believe me, the wine over there ain't all on the vines. Aside from an astonishing lack of personal hygiene, a lackadaisical approach to, you know, work, and a tendency to blame everything that's wrong in the world on the United States, most of these people run to Mommy Government whenever they perceive they've been slighted.

Normally, I don't have a problem with that. But these crybabies are upset that Microsoft includes (*gasp!*) a MEDIA PLAYER with Windows.

Cry me a river, Eurotrash.

Don't get me wrong. I love Europe. I think France represents the pinnacle of civilization. Any country that doesn't have NASCAR is A-OK with me. But what makes Microsoft great is pure, unadulterated, unfettered capitalism. Well, that and the ability to abuse its monopoly power to run roughshod over the competition.

But enter the EU (apparently through Microsoft's "back door", if you get my drift). These wusses try to tell one of the most successful companies in history how to do business in their pathetic collection of rag-tag has-been states...and MICROSOFT LETS THEM GET AWAY WITH IT!

Look at this tepid response to losing this lawsuit from the software giant: "We want to move forward, in compliance with the 2004 decision."

Oh, I can see all of Europe shaking in their collective shoes. But wait, there's more!

"We have conveyed our willingness to license those technologies. As a matter of business policy and approach to the industry, we are prepared to license to others in our industry, on reasonable and nondiscriminatory terms, the technologies that are important to interoperability,"

Like I said: Pussies.

You want to know why Microsoft stock has been so stagnant for the past half-decade or so? It's because of jackasses like these clowns in the EU that want to stifle good old American-style free enterprise. It works on this side of the pond, and it'll work there too.

It's time to grow a set, Microsoft. Obviously.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Rotten To The Core

Those of you that love Apple should be concerned. And those of us that love Microsoft should be rejoicing.

I'm not a religious person per se, (although I do worship at the altar of Redmond, and I've been known to participate in the ritualistic chair-throwing ceremony now and then) but even I'm chanting: Verily, yea, these are the endtimes. Witness these stunning developments in the Apple universe over the past few weeks alone:

  • Steve Jobs announces a slew of new iPods, but the news is dominated by a consumer-unfriendly price drop of $200 on the still-overpriced and underpowered iPhone. Apple responds by offering a lame in-store credit of $100 to status-seeking suckers who bought the first version.

  • Hackers figure out how to unlock the iPhone, infuriating already-angry AT&T executives, who are already fuming that they weren't informed of the aforementioned price drop until after the fact, and can't understand why the Apple Stores are outselling the AT&T Stores by a 2-to-one margin (hint: Apple stores have cuter bags. Never underestimate the lure of fashion to an Apple zealot).

  • Apple introduces "ringtones" on the somewhat popular iTunes Music store. Not only is this capability immediately hacked, but it also doesn't work.

  • NBC responds to Apple's statement that the Network wanted to charge too much for its TV shows on Apple's somewhate popular iTunes music store by making its shows available on for the same price or less as Apple's store. Your volley, Steve-O?

  • The mainstream tech media echoes what I've been saying for years: Apple is the new Evil Empire. Way to come around, guys. I've been telling you this ever since the introduction of the iPod.
In the meantime, Microsoft is issuing betas of its Windows Live Suite, Windows Home Server is coming along nicely, Windows Media Center Extenders are poised to take over your living room, and the Zune just had a price drop (which Apple copied shamelessly the next day). You'd have to be nuts not to see that this all adds up to a big problem for the iPod Giant.

What started this rash of bad news? Obviously, the 3-head review I gave the iPhone over on The Supersite for Windows (the most popular Windows website in the known universe) created a paradigm shift that finally woke people up to the reality of Apple. And no, I'm not going to bump up my three-head review. I've given Apple enough head. The way they're screwing their customers these days, it's time they gave some back.

edit: Thanks to sharp-eyed reader "anonymous" (that's Greek for "I'm a prick") who pointed out an important spelling error. Note to anonymous--if you like spelling errors, be sure to read my other sites where I never make corrections! It's EXCITING!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

The Beat STILL Goes On

I'll have more to say about Apple's announcements (including their ridiculous consumer-unfriendly price drop) later, but let me be perfectly clear about one thing: I was not wrong. The Beatles are coming to iTunes.

Just not today. Obviously.