Monday, July 2, 2012

Why Not Apple

Ever since I made the momentous decision to purge products from Apple, Inc. from my life, I've been asked the simple question, "why"?

The answer is equally simple. David Pogue.

Now I realize that for the uninitiated, that may not make much sense. But let me connect the dots for you.

As you all know, I am the only objective technology writer on the planet. The only one that even comes close to me is Rob Enderle from "The Enderle Group" (where by "group" I mean, "Rob and his wife"). I have spent my life immersed in technology, from the very first gaming system ever invented to the awesome DELL (the finest computer builder in the known universe) that sits on my desk today. I am an expert without peer. Literally. Obviously.

And yet, while I toil away daily shilling for writing about Microsoft and all the amazing, tear-inducing products that come from The Software Giant™, I get no respect from the mainstream press. They routinely ignore me, or worse, vilify me as nothing more than a glorified cheerleader for Microsoft. Believe me, I am anything but a cheerleader for Microsoft. I once criticized them back in 1996 in an article I wrote, saying, "Microsoft may have stumbled here, but they're sure to come roaring back as they always do, vanquishing their opponents and regaining their rightful place on the top of the tech world heap." That's some pretty biting criticism right there. I don't know how anyone can call me a shill.

As The World's Only Objective Technology Writer, my obvious place is in writing for the top newspapers and magazines out there. To showcase my work, I created PAUL THURROTT'S SUPERSITE! FOR! WINDOWS! which demonstrates—daily—my propensity for verbal diarrhea and superlatives directed towards Microsoft and their partners. This stunning work has, unfortunately, gone largely unnoticed by the so-called mainstream press.  Bloggers ignore or deride me. My television appearances are limited to one-minute fluff pieces on the local 6:00 news. Legions of drooling Microsofties criticize me for owning Apple products. And that fucking David Pogue is writing for the New York Times.

For those of you who don't know who David Pogue is, here's a quick bio from his Wikipedia page:

David Welch Pogue (born March 9, 1963) is an American technology writer and TV science host. He is a personal technology columnist for the New York Times, an Emmy-winning tech correspondent for CBS News Sunday Morning, and a columnist for Scientific American. He is also the host of NOVA ScienceNow on PBS and was the host of the NOVA specials Making Stuff in 2011[1] and Hunting the Elements in 2012.[2] Pogue has written or co-written seven books in the For Dummies series (including Macintosh computers, magicopera, and classical music). In 1999, he launched his own series of computer how-to books called the Missing Manual series, which now includes over 100 titles covering a variety of Macintosh and Windowsoperating systems and applications. Among the dozens of books Pogue has authored is The World According to Twitter (2009), written in collaboration with around 500,000 of his Twitter followers.

What this article doesn't mention is that David Pogue is an Apple lackey, pure and simple. He made a name for himself by writing "For Dummies" books about Apple, penning Apple columns, writing other Apple books, speaking at Apple get the idea. The guy had his nose so far up Steve Jobs' ass, he couldn't see daylight. It wasn't until he wrote a couple cheesy Microsoft books that he was able to claim he was an "objective journalist" and got the NY Times gig. Now this singing, dancing, magician—basically a one-man walking minstrel show—gets all the attention while I write for "Connected Home" magazine.

My gorilla-sized hands are shaking in anger just thinking about it.

I hate this little sleazeball so much that I've decided to double-down on Microsoft. Yes, this means I give up a lot of ease-of-use and that I'll be even more out of touch than ever with the tech mainstream, but I can't stand to use the same products that this obsequious twit sings about (yes, sings about!) on his web page. The thought of touching a product that David Pogue wrote about makes me want to vomit all over my beautiful Microsoft Natural Ergonomic Keyboard 4000*.

So thus begins the purge (see what I did there? Nice literary transition, right? You don't get that with Pogue) of Apple from my life. No more AppleTV. No more iPad, iMac, iPod, or anything else beginning with "i". In fact, I don't even allow my wife to buy apples when she's shopping for fruit. I'm serious here, folks. Not even applesauce.

One day I will be noticed for my brilliance. And when I am, I promise you I will not sing. I will not perform magic tricks. I will not conduct the Boston Philharmonic. I will simply do what I do best: lie about write about Microsoft and how its magical tear-inducing products are changing our world for the better. It's what I do best.

It may make me less "interesting" in the eyes of the tech press, but everyone's got a schtick. This is mine. I am Paul Thurrott, Microsoft lackey. Obviously.

* See, that's something else Microsoft does right. They really know how to name a product!

Monday, June 25, 2012

Cleanup on Aisle Five

Does anyone have a towel? I need one, obviously, after my latest column. In it, I used up all my adjectives to describe the orgasm-inducing thrill I feel running up and down my leg every time someone mentions Microsoft. If anyone doubts my status as chief cheerleader for The Software Giant™, please put those fears aside and check out the list of superlatives I laid on Mr. Ballmer's company:

"a revolution" .. “most exciting company in tech, hands down.” ... "amazing" ... Microsoft is suddenly riding a wave of excitement and enthusiasm."..."It’s breathtaking" ..."incredible" ... "delivering a solid vision" ... "amazing" (again)" ... "decidedly positive" ... "this is huge year for Microsoft" ... "not evolutionarily but ... fairly dramatic" ... "The most exciting company in tech, hands down? I think the case can be made, yes."
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find my pom-pons. Obviously.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Not A Tech Enthusiast

I have repeatedly told you people that Paul Thurrott is not a Microsoft shill. Or a Microsoft Zealot. Or a Microsoft lackey. I am a Tech Enthusiast.

BWAHAHAHAHA. Good one, right?

I'm such a Tech Enthiusiast, in fact, that I have purged products from Apple Inc. from my life. Yeah, there's no sense in burdening myself with the most popular and well-designed products on the market. They're just not EXCITING! ENOUGH! FOR! PAUL! THURROTT!

God, I can't wait for Surface to surface. In the meantime, I'll be enjoying my Yugo Kindle Fire instead of that pesky iPad, and anything with the name "Windows" or "XBox" for virtually everything else. I just can't be bothered with quality any more. I'm "all in" on second-rate technology. My readers expect nothing less.


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Broken Watch

Every now and again, I get a column exactly right.

This is one of those times.

Even a broken watch is right once a day.

Monday, June 11, 2012

This Doesn't Apply To Me Either

Because, you know, I have huge gorilla-like hands. And we all know what that translates to. Here's the skinny (That's a diet joke. Get it?) from some rag named "Geek Wire".
"A techno-dance routine that preceded Microsoft’s Windows Azure presentation at the Norwegian Developers Conference this week featured a group of women jumping around on stage to a song that included several drug references and this line: “The words MICRO and SOFT don’t apply to my penis.” 
In a strange effort to be inclusive, a monitor displaying the lyrics added, “or vagina.”
It's good to see Microsoft's partners being so inclusive, isn't it?

Monday, June 4, 2012

Just in case you were wondering...

...this, boys and girls, is what real analysis looks like. You won't hear this from me (obviously, because I have a vested interest in Windows 8 succeeding), but if you want truth, here are a few nuggets you won't read over on Paul Thurrott's SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS by Paul Thurrott, courtesy of some hack named "Michael Mace" (who obviously doesn't write for the prestigious "Connected Home" magazine, so therefore he's irrelevant):

Windows 8 in its current form is very different; attractive in some ways, and disturbing in others.  It combines an interesting new interface with baffling changes to Windows compatibility, and amateur mistakes in customer messaging.  Add up all the changes, and I am very worried that Microsoft may be about to shoot itself in the foot spectacularly.  Even the plain colorful graphics in Windows 8 that looked so cool when I first saw them are starting to look ominous to me, like the hotel decor in "The Shining".
...shutdown requires five actions: a hover, a sweep, and three clicks.  Plus the command is hidden in a very non-intuitive place.  People used to joke that only Microsoft could think it was intuitive to have the Shut Down command hidden under the Start button.  I think it's sooooo much more intuitive to have it hidden under Settings 
If you're not a Windows user, it is hard to describe how disorienting this is.  It's roughly equivalent to giving someone a car in which the steering wheel has been replaced by a joystick.  Not only do you need to learn how to steer with a joystick, but all of the controls formerly attached to the steering column are now scattered in various spots on the dashboard.  The wiper control is a lever above the radio, the high beam lights are a switch on the rearview mirror, the turn signal is a set of buttons under the speedometer, and the cruise control is a dial hidden inside the ashtray.  Oh, and you honk the horn by bouncing up and down in your seat. 
Unfortunately, although Windows 8 may have a light hardware footprint, it has compatibility problems with some existing hardware, including some Windows 7 computers.  Computers designed for Vista can have much more serious problems.  This became very clear to me when I installed Windows 8 on my Vista-based mini tablet PC.  Windows 8 is not compatible with the wireless network chips in my tablet PC, so it can no longer connect to the Internet.  
If you're a productivity worker, Windows 8 does very little for you, and in fact probably makes your life harder.   

It goes on, and on, and on (this guy has diarrhea of the keyboard worse than even me), but you get the idea. We're looking at a forthcoming disaster folks, and no amount of cheerleading on my part is going to make it better. But I'm doing my damndest despite that. Obviously.