Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I Told You So

I was right again. I just didn't think it would happen so soon.

In my last post on this site, I promised to have some fun with the Mac fanatics that love to pick apart my work looking for any opportunity to strike at what they perceive to be criticism of their precious platform.

So over on Paul Thurrott's Supersite For Windows, I posted a quick blurb about the exciting soon-to-be-in-production Windows 8. In that post, I cleverly hid a little tidbit for the iCabal:

"You must be spending too much time wondering why Apple can't release its not-upgrade, Snow Leopard, in a reasonable amount of time, or for free."

So, obviously, it didn't take much time before the iGoons struck. The story has been completely overtaken by space aliens, Arby's restaurant managers, moms, and heaven knows who else. I've been watching the comments come in all day. It's better than sex. The best part is, my click rate is through the proverbial roof. The iGoons are financing my next trip to France.

Thanks for proving my point. You people are nuts, sorry.

Friday, April 17, 2009

It's fun to watch them squirm

Longtime readers of Paul Thurrott's Various Websites will note that not only am I the only unbiased observer of the Apple universe, I also own and use many Apple products.

Or at least I used to. I haven't been able to find a way to make a penny off Apple. They've shut me out of their campus. The best I can do is hang out at the new Apple store on Boylston street and drool on the Ikea-inspired tables.

So I've had enough.

I've been slowly divesting myself of any Apple products. The iPhone will soon be replaced with a Windows Mobile phone running software version 6.5. My iPod sits in a drawer with my Timex Sinclair 2000 while I use my beautiful brown Zune. My iBook is no match for my beloved Lenovo, my Apple TV goes largely unused since I have much more capable Media Extenders in the house, and I dropped my dot-mac service despite being a longtime user and onetime advocate.

So now the fun begins.

Since I no longer have to maintain the appearance of objectivity, I can now drop the curtain and reveal myself as the Microsoft- and Windows-loving (and I mean week I'm getting a Windows logo tatooed on my ass) guy I've always been. But not before I have some fun with the iCabal. They make it so easy.

I've been writing positive things about the Microsoft ads for a while now. Over the next couple of weeks, I'll make snide comments about Apple's pricing. I'll point out that their market share is insignificant. I'll do whatever it takes to help poor lowly Microsoft succeed against this brutal enemy. I'll be applying my insightful analysis all across the web, and kicking the living crap out of Apple at the same time.

Nothing gives me more pleasure than watching my credibility go up in direct proportion to the blood pressure of the iCabal when I poke them with a big stick on my various websites. Be sure to follow along, folks. This is going to be a lot of fun. Almost as much fun as running Paul Thurrott's Garage Sale.


Sunday, April 12, 2009

How I Do It

So it's not easy being the pre-eminent Windows tech columnist in the known universe. Obviously. Paul Thurrot's Windows Supersite remains the only reliable source for information about anything that really matters in technology (that is, anything from Microsoft). My competition just can't keep up, sorry (cough) Mary-Jo Foley and my good friend Rob Enderle.

So how do I do it? Normally I wouldn't tell you, but I'm on something of a Microsoft high after watching the latest round of "I'm a PC commercials", so I'm going to spill the beans here. Pay attention, you tech hacks (I'm looking at you, T-Shirt salesman). You could all learn something from me.

First, you have to have a deep and abiding relationship with insiders within Microsoft. How many times a year do you think I get wined and dined by these jokers? Answer: A lot. A hell of a lot, obviously. They clue me in to what's coming up down the road and I sign a NDA while laughing all the way to the bank.

Next, I write some kind of forward-looking piece of commentary on The Supersite For Windows where I advise Microsoft, telling them what direction I think they should go in. For instance, you'll notice that many months ago, I advised Microsoft to actively attack their most hated competitor (Apple, obviously) with some hard-hitting advertising. Of course I knew what was coming down the pipe. A 3% market share for Apple would be dangerous, and as a marketing guy, Steve Ballmer knows this better than anyone. So he had his lieutenants give me a preview of the new ads. (I've had them on my beloved Lenovo for months now, waiting for them to run through that contractual obligation they had with Seinfeld and Gates. I cannot tell you how much I hate Gates, by the way. The man rolled over and caved to Apple so many times, and his toxic influence is still being felt on the Redmond campus. Ballmer seems to have finally grown a pair, so maybe the Gates years are finally over, and none to soon.) But that aside, the point is I always know what's coming up before any other writer. So it's easy to prognosticate on this stuff, obviously.

Next, I expand on the point I made in several blog posts and commentary pieces (many cleverly disguised as "news" stories).

Soon, Microsoft implements their plans, and I gleefully write that they're finally listening to me. I look like a prophet of success, my reputation soars, and Mary Jo Foley gets to sweep up my droppings and spread them all over her "Inside Microsoft" blog, or whatever she's calling it these days. My brilliance leaves the rest of them eating my dust.

It's a business plan that reaps huge rewards. And only I can do it. Because I am the master.