Why Not Apple

Ever since I made the momentous decision to purge products from Apple, Inc. from my life, I've been asked the simple question, "why"?

The answer is equally simple. David Pogue.

Now I realize that for the uninitiated, that may not make much sense. But let me connect the dots for you.

As you all know, I am the only objective technology writer on the planet. The only one that even comes close to me is Rob Enderle from "The Enderle Group" (where by "group" I mean, "Rob and his wife"). I have spent my life immersed in technology, from the very first gaming system ever invented to the awesome DELL (the finest computer builder in the known universe) that sits on my desk today. I am an expert without peer. Literally. Obviously.

And yet, while I toil away daily shilling for writing about Microsoft and all the amazing, tear-inducing products that come from The Software Giant™, I get no respect from the mainstream press. They routinely ignore me, or worse, vilify me as nothing more than a glorified cheerleader for Microsoft. Believe me, I am anything but a cheerleader for Microsoft. I once criticized them back in 1996 in an article I wrote, saying, "Microsoft may have stumbled here, but they're sure to come roaring back as they always do, vanquishing their opponents and regaining their rightful place on the top of the tech world heap." That's some pretty biting criticism right there. I don't know how anyone can call me a shill.

As The World's Only Objective Technology Writer, my obvious place is in writing for the top newspapers and magazines out there. To showcase my work, I created PAUL THURROTT'S SUPERSITE! FOR! WINDOWS! which demonstrates—daily—my propensity for verbal diarrhea and superlatives directed towards Microsoft and their partners. This stunning work has, unfortunately, gone largely unnoticed by the so-called mainstream press.  Bloggers ignore or deride me. My television appearances are limited to one-minute fluff pieces on the local 6:00 news. Legions of drooling Microsofties criticize me for owning Apple products. And that fucking David Pogue is writing for the New York Times.

For those of you who don't know who David Pogue is, here's a quick bio from his Wikipedia page:

David Welch Pogue (born March 9, 1963) is an American technology writer and TV science host. He is a personal technology columnist for the New York Times, an Emmy-winning tech correspondent for CBS News Sunday Morning, and a columnist for Scientific American. He is also the host of NOVA ScienceNow on PBS and was the host of the NOVA specials Making Stuff in 2011^[1] and Hunting the Elements in 2012.^[2] Pogue has written or co-written seven books in the For Dummies series (including Macintosh computers, magic, opera, and classical music). In 1999, he launched his own series of computer how-to books called the Missing Manual series, which now includes over 100 titles covering a variety of Macintosh and Windowsoperating systems and applications. Among the dozens of books Pogue has authored is The World According to Twitter (2009), written in collaboration with around 500,000 of his Twitter followers.

What this article doesn't mention is that David Pogue is an Apple lackey, pure and simple. He made a name for himself by writing "For Dummies" books about Apple, penning Apple columns, writing other Apple books, speaking at Apple conferences...you get the idea. The guy had his nose so far up Steve Jobs' ass, he couldn't see daylight. It wasn't until he wrote a couple cheesy Microsoft books that he was able to claim he was an "objective journalist" and got the NY Times gig. Now this singing, dancing, magician—basically a one-man walking minstrel show—gets all the attention while I write for "Connected Home" magazine.

My gorilla-sized hands are shaking in anger just thinking about it.

I hate this little sleazeball so much that I've decided to double-down on Microsoft. Yes, this means I give up a lot of ease-of-use and that I'll be even more out of touch than ever with the tech mainstream, but I can't stand to use the same products that this obsequious twit sings about (yes, sings about!) on his web page. The thought of touching a product that David Pogue wrote about makes me want to vomit all over my beautiful Microsoft Natural Ergonomic Keyboard 4000*.

So thus begins the purge (see what I did there? Nice literary transition, right? You don't get that with Pogue) of Apple from my life. No more AppleTV. No more iPad, iMac, iPod, or anything else beginning with "i". In fact, I don't even allow my wife to buy apples when she's shopping for fruit. I'm serious here, folks. Not even applesauce.

One day I will be noticed for my brilliance. And when I am, I promise you I will not sing. I will not perform magic tricks. I will not conduct the Boston Philharmonic. I will simply do what I do best: lie about write about Microsoft and how its magical tear-inducing products are changing our world for the better. It's what I do best.

It may make me less "interesting" in the eyes of the tech press, but everyone's got a schtick. This is mine. I am Paul Thurrott, Microsoft lackey. Obviously.


* See, that's something else Microsoft does right. They really know how to name a product!

How to REALLY Fix Microsoft

If you're a regular reader of THE SUPERSITE! FOR WINDOWS! then you'll already have read the multi-page tome "How Microsoft can fix Microsoft." Here are a few ideas that weren't in the article. Microsoft, are you listening?

• Rename Microsoft. Henceforth you shall be called, "The Software Giant," a term I coined in reference to The Software Giant long ago. This not only reflects the nature of the company, but is in homage to me, which is just obvious.
  
  
• Dump the Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone. Seriously. You jumped the shark on that thing when you hard-coded facebook into it. Can you imagine walking around with a device that featured MySpace AND YOU COULDN'T GET RID OF IT? Seriously, Software Giant, WTF were you thinking?
  
  
• All Software Giant Press Releases should be written by Tech Genius and Weight Loss Expert Paul Thurrott. Obviously.
  
  
• Give Steve Ballmer a new title. The original article said to fire him, but in retrospect, that's a bad idea. I've thought long and hard about this, and I now realize that every successful company has its court jester. Ballmer can be to The Software Giant what Steve Wozniak is to Apple...a formerly great employee who pops up now and again to make an amusing comment about the company or the competition, gets some press, and then goes back quietly to his office to play with whatever gadget he bought that week. Ballmer would be perfect for this effort.
  
  
• Buy DELL and sell it for parts. Just because. Those bastard are weighing you down by slapping the Software Giant logo on cheap commodity garbage. You need to put an end to it now.
  
  
• Hire Michael Dell to replace Steve Ballmer. I know this seems to fly in the face of all logic based on my previous recommendation, but hey, I'm a professional critic. I don't get paid to make this work.
  
  
• Develop for Apple products so you can make the best damn software in the world again. Microsoft Word? Originally written for the Mac. Excel? Ditto. PowerPoint? Originally a Mac-only program before y'all bought it and slapped it together with Office. My point here is that all the really good Microsoft stuff was originally coded for Apple (with the exception of Windows, which was a lame attempt to rip off Apple until you came close with XP). Start writing for iOS and MacOS, and see what happens.

So that's it. If you follow my stellar recommendations, The Software Giant can once again regain its crown and be the amazing company it once was. Or you can ignore me and be the Rob Enderle of the tech world...a loser clown that gets it right once every 10 years or so. Your choice.

That Fracking Weasel

God, I hate David Pogue.

My obsession with him is almost as bad as my Steve Jobs obsession. What is it about Apple that draws such obnoxious, obsequious little twerps into its orbit? Seriously, I've spilled more ink over Pogue than any other columnist, and it infuriates me that he not only has his own column, but his own TV show, regularly appears on CNBC, has authored a series of books for both the Mac and Windows platforms that probably far outsell my own superior efforts, a blog, and God knows what else.

And he doesn't know a damn thing about tech. I'm the only one that does. Well, me and Rob Enderle. And sometimes Mary Jo Foley (who still rebuffs my drunken advances). I've been screaming this from the rooftops for years, and no one will listen. It sickens me. My overly-large gorilla hands are shaking as I write this, that's how angry I am.

It's a messed up world. Maybe once I lose all the weight I'm going to lose this year on my new diet that consists of fatty foods and not exercising, I'll be able to compete with this jerk.

Oh, and John Gruber doesn't know a damn thing, either, especially when it comes to the iPhone. Obviously.

Stirring Prose From The Master

I'm not prone to sudden outbursts of tears, but my good friend Rob Enderle made me cry with his beautiful prose about the stunning new Dell Adamo. Please allow me a moment to personally address this fine human being. Rob: I love you, man. You've always been my favorite Apple-baiter. With this piece, you have risen to the level of master baiter. I salute you with my unnaturally large hands.

Just look at this glorious wordsmith in action:

But the Dell Adamo is the first notebook in a long time that is as much a statement as it is a PC. It stands as a counterpoint to the doom and gloom that surrounds us.

While few will probably buy the Adamo, the times are the times; it is great that Dell came out with something some of us could aspire to.

Seriously, the Adamo reminds us the economy will come back giving us a little hope and something to look forward to.

Some will say that Rob sounds like an Apple fanatic. But he's not. Obviously. Rob is just a beautiful, beautiful man, and the tech world is a better place because he's in it. Rob, I salute you with every appendage in my body. You magnificent wordsmith!

Honored Again, Obviously

So, I have been honored once again by members of the PC Press for the important service I provide to the Windows Community through my various blogs, books, webcasts, magazine articles and general evangelizing. The smart people over at Ziff Davis have named me one of the Ten Best Techies Worth Following on Twitter. You'll find me right on top of my good friend Rob Enderle.

Author Jason Hiner called me a "Terrific source for information on the Microsoft product ecosystem". As I've said many times on The Windows Supersite, I'm usually the first to point out emerging trends in Windows, and you won't find analysis like this anywhere else on the web.

Obviously.

The only mystery is how anyone from Macworld could have beaten me out for one of the top five spots. I guess it just goes to show you that when it comes to evangelizing for Windows, my work is never done.

Major Recognition

So I'm not one to normally talk about myself. Obviously I won't write about this on Paul Thurrott's Supersite For Windows, but you should all know that I've been recognized with a feature-length article in the well-respected technical Journal "Roughly Drafted". The authors of this prestigious publication finally recognized something I've been saying all along: The lying liars at Apple need to be called what they are: Lying Liars. The liars.

Thurrott isn’t the only one to happen upon this vast conspiracy of liberal media elitism. He was recently delighted to find a similar mindset emanating from Fake Steve Jobs blogger Dan Lyons, the man who for years defended Microsoft and SCO and vilified open source, Linux, and IBM’s support for the otherwise defenseless volunteers who wrote the open code that dared compete against the Redmond monopolist. Lyon’s support for SCO and contempt for Linux was so intense that he found new adoration from the equally phony Rob Enderle.

And finally, I'm recognized for my years of stellar reporting.

Fair and balanced reporting is not the art of making the world appear equal and non-controversial. It is reporting things that are wrong, and reporting things that are right. It is not done by comparing events to a list of ideological concepts to determine which events should be reported and for how long, but rather in presenting all the facts without an agenda.

So it's always good to be mentioned in the same breath as giants such as Lyons and Enderle, but it's more important that the mainstream tech press is finally discussing this, as I have been for years. Welcome to the party, guys. Once again I'm ahead of the curve, obviously.

Fake Steve Jobs Outed

So this is interesting, if not particularly newsworthy. At least we know RFSJ wasn't John Dvorak (Andy Ihnatko took himself out of the running a while back). For a while I suspected my good friend Rob Enderle, but then again, he's too busy supervising his massive staff at the Enderle Group to be bothered by that kind of nonsense.

For a while, I was even a suspect. But I'm too busy posting my exhausting exhaustive multi-part review of Apple's overpriced iPhone over at the Windows Supersite (the most popular Windows website on the planet!), not to mention posting brilliant analysis at Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus and WEB EXCLUSIVES! at WinInformant. Plus, I'm in France. Compared to the wonders of Europe, the whole "fake" phenomenon is uninteresting, obviously.

Et tu, Dvorak?

It's as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.


A lot of you have e-mailed me with the news that the formerly-respected John Dvorak has "turned Mac". I've avoided writing about it for a while because frankly, Dvorak isn't very interesting. But I can't ignore this forever, so here we go:

Guys like Dvorak really annoy me. Here's a guy who's made a career out of Mac-bashing, and he had the credibility to do it. He used to be the back-page columnist for MacWorld, until he saw the light and became a PC guy.

Now, he writes an (obviously) Mac-baiting article designed to up his hit count, impress his editors and get him lots of ink, while all the while he admits that a Mac is not his primary machine, never will be, but that he recommends them to his friends.

Note to Dvorak: It's called eating your own dogfood, Johnny-boy. If you're going to make your living writing about the wonders of Windows and baiting Mac fanbois, you need to be true to your word. You'd never see my good friend Rob Enderle pull this kind of crap. Now put down that toy, pick up the mouse with those chubby little fingers, cruise your lardass over to the DELL website and pick up a real computer preloaded with the exciting Vista software*. What the hell were you thinking?

*See the exhaustive review at Paul Thurrott's Supersite for Windows!

On a Personal Note

One of my problems is that people just aren't nice enough to each other.

I've been on the receiving end of a lot of this. I know that's surprising--especially being one of the most respected tech journalists on the planet, the author of Paul Thurrott's WinInfo, Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus, and Paul Thurrott's Supersite for Windows, and the author of many bestselling books. Some people think I have a big ego. Go figure.

Despite being the epitome of "fair and balanced", people continue to throw eggs at me. I've been called everything from a Jackass to a Gutless Troll. The children over at Roughly Drafted have made a career out of criticizing me. It's really weird, because I don't deserve it. For instance, I've received some flack for my recent post involving the omnipresent Google cameras. If you haven't read it, go over to the excellent Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus and check it out.

I'm not stupid. I know that those really aren't "Google's" cameras. I know that Microsoft's "Live Earth" offers the same functionality (and it's even better. Obviously). And I know that there's no way to do real-time surveillance using Google.

Folks, none of this matters.

I'm trying to make a point here. Google is Evil. Never mind that I use their services, love their e-mail, schedule with their calendars, use their search engine, and blog with their blogging tools. I only do these things so you don't have to. I want to protect you from the Evil that is Google, and I can't do that effectively if I don't gaze into the eyes of the beast, so to speak. If I have to get hyperbolic to make my point now and then, so be it. At least it gets me quoted. Not as often as my good friend Rob Enderle, but often enough. And that's what matters.

It's the same with the Mac. Despite owning Macs, forcing my wife to use one, and writing exhaustive reviews and commentary on every gadget Apple produces, I am and remain a Windows guy. Why? Basically, I haven't figured out a way to really make money from Apple. Plus, I can't stand that arrogant Steve Jobs, obviously. But none of that compromises my credibility.

So while I understand some of the criticism from Apple fanbois, Penguin-heads and Microsoft-haters, I'm here to tell you it's totally unjustified.

What's In A Name

Over on the excellent "Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus" website, I wrote: "I'm adult enough to be frisky without having to call anyone a jackass."

Actually that's not true. Dave Winer is a Jackass, as I have repeatedly pointed out. I only wrote what I did because I was poking at t-shirt salesman John Gruber.

Anyway. I got thinking about this when I read a New York Magazine article about Steve Jobs that stated, "Yet the most common descriptor applied to him, by friends and foes and even Jobs himself, is 'asshole.' "

That got me thinking. I wonder what people say about me? So here are the results:

Paul Thurrott Asshole: 13,300 results
Paul Thurrott Jackass: 580 results
Paul Thurrott Asshat: 154 results

Clearly I'm not in Steve Jobs' league. Yet. But I'm still slightly ahead of that do-gooder Mary Jo Foley and my good friend Rob Enderle, who come in at 11,400 and 988, respectively.

Take that!

Thurrott-le Down The Hype

A lot of Mac fans (translation: zealots) don't "get" guys like me and the esteemed Rob Enderle. To these flavor-aid swilling devotees of Cupertino, Apple can do no wrong, and anyone who says otherwise is either a Microsoft shill, or just plain delusional. They don't realize there's a whole world outside the walled garden that is Apple Inc.

That's why I'm so important to the tech world. I provide balance. The iPhone is a perfect example...even though I've already written more about the iPhone than anyone else on the Internet, I haven't posted an "official" review yet. That's because these things take time. I must first put my finger in the wind,* read what everyone else has to say, damn the unit with faint praise, then key in on any minor shortcomings with laser beam-like focus, proclaiming that Apple missed the mark. It helps if I can compare it unfavorably to a Microsoft product.

It's an important service that I offer. After all, I wouldn't want to be like these hacks:

Michael DeAgonia (Computerworld.com) proclaims the iPhone worthy of Star Trek: "Forget communicators and phasers. I have something better and seemingly more advanced. I have an iPhone..."

This dweeb conveniently omits the fact that the iPhone does not serve as a Tricorder, leaving you without the ability to gather critical medical information in the event of an emergency. It's stunning that Apple would leave out this critical feature.

Lev Grossman at TIME magazine needs a towel: "Whoever managed this project at Apple will be hailed as a Michelangelo, and the iPhone his or her Sistine Chapel..."

How ridiculous. The iPhone doesn't even include the most rudimentary version of Paint. What's the point of a touchscreen if you can't treat it like a tablet? Pathetic.

And speaking of towels, the folks over at "stuff.tv" have this to say: "...if you’re concerned about a smudged screen...heck, that’s what sleeves are for – or if you’re fussy, you could always use the included cloth. In fact, you might need to keep it to hand – a few hours with the iPhone is guaranteed to be a very steamy experience."

Aside from the obvious--ick--this one is a no-brainer. There is no porn included on the iPhone. With all those bundled apps, you'd think they'd throw the early-adopter geeks a bone, so to speak.

It just goes on and on, folks. Seriously, someone needs to serve as a glass of ice water in this Hell of congratulatory back-slapping. That's what I'm here for. Balance.

Plus, let's be honest...it takes time to do a thorough review of a product like this. First, I have to try almost singlehandedly to quell the hype. Then, I'll write a few kind words about how the product is good, but ultimately flawed. Then, I'll mercilessly mock it over on my WinInfo "news" site (in both regular articles and as part of a future "Short Takes"), while simultaneously praising it in a "Connected Home" article. Finally, I'll write up a 30,000-word essay over on the Windows Supersite (the most popular Windows website on this or any other planet), where I'll give it four or so "Paul Heads", and call it a day.

THAT is how you do a review.


*After pulling it out of my arse, of course.

Sprint Sense

So now it seems that Sprint is preparing for Friday's introduction of the overpriced keyboard-less (see my exclusive write-up on the Windows Supersite!) Apple iPhone by preparing the following excellent list of talking points for their retail staff:

• "Using the iPhone on the GSM/EDGE network may be like having a really powerful computer on dial up."


• "Whether you want music, email, web surfing or business files, our phones will download everything faster."


• "Concerned about coverage? I think you’ll see that we are comparable or better than all other carriers. Let me show you the map on our Power Network Coverage Tool to verify your coverage area."


• "We have many handsets that are MP3 players."


• "You want to have music with your phone? Let me show you the new Upstage or the Fusic II."


• "Any music phone from Sprint lets you download songs instantly – out of thin air."


• "Are you sure 4G or 8G is enough storage for you? To give you a comparison, most iPods/MP3 players hold 40 to 60Gigs or more."


• "The Upstage takes external mini-disks for unlimited storage."


• "Sure we have less expensive phones than the iPhone. The MotoQ, for example, is only $79 and is an MP3 player, PDA, camera, mobile internet device, and of course, a phone."


• "Most current Smartphones have secure email necessary for business functionality. "


• "The iPhone uses Yahoo and Mac email which is not secure. "


• "[iPhone] has a non-replaceable battery. "


• "[iPhone] offers no external storage. "


• "The iPhone is an Apple product and has some nice features. It also has a nice price. Do you really need all those features in one device?"

Good stuff. But they forgot to mention the number one reason to not buy an iPhone, offered up by my good friend Rob Enderle:

"I think dropping it is likely."

"A lot of kids are going to get this phone. Kids do a lot of 'blind' texting on their phones" without looking at the screen, sometimes while they're driving, Enderle said. "With a touch screen phone, you have to look at the screen."

"One of these children is going to end up in someone's trunk," he said. "Often it's the vendor that's held accountable."

Of course, Rob will take a lot of heat from Macintosh zealots for pointing out what everyone already knows--if your kid buys an iPhone he'll die. Obviously.

Baby You Can Drive My CARS

Once again, the MacWeb rises to the occasion and, through the indisputably brilliant CARS website, recognizes my brilliance, putting me ahead of Rob Enderle in their rundown of the greatest tech sites on the web.

And they didn't even mention Mary Jo Foley.

Or Walt Mossberg.

Take that, David Pogue!

I Have More Class Than That

John Gruber is at it again.

I have more class than to call someone a jackass (well, actually, I don't), but Gruber is once again picking on the second most influential and intelligent writer in the tech industry, my good friend and pundit, leader of the heavily-staffed Enderle Group, Rob Enderle.

I don't know what's up with guys like Gruber. This long-winded T-shirt salesman needs to go back to work. Get a real job, hippie. Maybe you could write a tech site like mine...the most popular Windows Site in the Known Universe. Seriously.