Sunday, January 30, 2011

I Am A Diet Expert

Trust me:

"If eating less made you lose weight, we wouldn't be fat."

"Fitness is good but it will not help you lose weight."

That's how you do it. Eat more bacon. You can trust me on this just like you can trust me on everything else I've ever said, particularly when I predicted the demise of iTunes, the iPhone, and the iPad. Obviously. No one could say it better: "You're welcome to your beliefs, but you're wrong."

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Thus Spake The God Of All Tech

One year ago:

"Apple ... has unveiled its iPad, an iPod touch like tablet computer that, so far at least, doesn't seem impressive at all."

"It's actually ... can I say this about an Apple product? ... ugly."

"OK, this has to be a joke. He can't really be this excited about this device."

"This stuff is just boring. If Apple wanted this to be a game machine, they should have built hardware controls into that huge bezel."

"I can almost hear Apple's stock price dropping every second this demo goes on."

"Overall, this is a letdown. I'd be surprised to see anyone try to claim otherwise."

You know, for the life of me I can't figure out why anyone would call Paul Thurrott a partisan hack. It's clear that I was 100% right about this silly product. Obviously.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Gruber Gets One Right. Almost.

So even the overrated t-shirt salesmen got it half-right. When it comes to the operation of the company, Steve Jobs doesn't matter to Apple. But Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs. Trust me, they'll have to prop him up in a lobby display like Jeremy Bentham in order for the place to survive without him.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Stating The Obvious

A few bullet points based on today's news about Steve Jobs and his leave of absence from Apple Inc.:

  • Steve Jobs is a marketing genius, but a failure as a human being.
  • Steve Jobs has nothing to do with the great products Apple makes, but hawks them well to unsuspecting rubes who fawn at his feet.
  • Without the designers at Apple around him, Steve Jobs would be nothing more than a whiny little wannabe artist and college dropout, consigned to the dustbin of history.
  • Steve Jobs has lied about his health repeatedly, both to his shareholders and his customers. His illness has clearly kept him from participating in the day-to-day operations of Apple for some time now.
  • Steve Jobs contributes very little to the actual design of Apple products, the programming of their software, or the implementation of their marketing plans.

Therefore, Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs.


Monday, January 10, 2011

iPhone on Verizon: A Nation Yawns

So it's unclear as to why this is big news, when the magical tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone is already widely available elsewhere on faster networks. But if Verizon wants to swim in the gutter, I say let them have at it. It won't make one bit of difference to the Windows Phone 7 Phone market share*. Obviously.

*Because it's immeasurably small now, just in case you needed this footnote to clarify the point.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Sign of the Apocalypse

That little pussy David Pogue now has his own TV show called "Making Stuff: Stronger".

He probably got the idea from lifting his heavy, overpriced, expensive toy, the iPad.

What is this world coming to?

In a related story, I'm going to be interviewed by the Eyewitness News Team sometime in the near future regarding my opinions on the greatness of the Amazon Kindle, which is the greatest product ever invented except for Windows. Obviously. Oh, and the nook is a joke.

Stay tuned.