Monday, July 2, 2012

Why Not Apple

Ever since I made the momentous decision to purge products from Apple, Inc. from my life, I've been asked the simple question, "why"?

The answer is equally simple. David Pogue.

Now I realize that for the uninitiated, that may not make much sense. But let me connect the dots for you.

As you all know, I am the only objective technology writer on the planet. The only one that even comes close to me is Rob Enderle from "The Enderle Group" (where by "group" I mean, "Rob and his wife"). I have spent my life immersed in technology, from the very first gaming system ever invented to the awesome DELL (the finest computer builder in the known universe) that sits on my desk today. I am an expert without peer. Literally. Obviously.

And yet, while I toil away daily shilling for writing about Microsoft and all the amazing, tear-inducing products that come from The Software Giant™, I get no respect from the mainstream press. They routinely ignore me, or worse, vilify me as nothing more than a glorified cheerleader for Microsoft. Believe me, I am anything but a cheerleader for Microsoft. I once criticized them back in 1996 in an article I wrote, saying, "Microsoft may have stumbled here, but they're sure to come roaring back as they always do, vanquishing their opponents and regaining their rightful place on the top of the tech world heap." That's some pretty biting criticism right there. I don't know how anyone can call me a shill.

As The World's Only Objective Technology Writer, my obvious place is in writing for the top newspapers and magazines out there. To showcase my work, I created PAUL THURROTT'S SUPERSITE! FOR! WINDOWS! which demonstrates—daily—my propensity for verbal diarrhea and superlatives directed towards Microsoft and their partners. This stunning work has, unfortunately, gone largely unnoticed by the so-called mainstream press.  Bloggers ignore or deride me. My television appearances are limited to one-minute fluff pieces on the local 6:00 news. Legions of drooling Microsofties criticize me for owning Apple products. And that fucking David Pogue is writing for the New York Times.

For those of you who don't know who David Pogue is, here's a quick bio from his Wikipedia page:

David Welch Pogue (born March 9, 1963) is an American technology writer and TV science host. He is a personal technology columnist for the New York Times, an Emmy-winning tech correspondent for CBS News Sunday Morning, and a columnist for Scientific American. He is also the host of NOVA ScienceNow on PBS and was the host of the NOVA specials Making Stuff in 2011[1] and Hunting the Elements in 2012.[2] Pogue has written or co-written seven books in the For Dummies series (including Macintosh computers, magicopera, and classical music). In 1999, he launched his own series of computer how-to books called the Missing Manual series, which now includes over 100 titles covering a variety of Macintosh and Windowsoperating systems and applications. Among the dozens of books Pogue has authored is The World According to Twitter (2009), written in collaboration with around 500,000 of his Twitter followers.

What this article doesn't mention is that David Pogue is an Apple lackey, pure and simple. He made a name for himself by writing "For Dummies" books about Apple, penning Apple columns, writing other Apple books, speaking at Apple conferences...you get the idea. The guy had his nose so far up Steve Jobs' ass, he couldn't see daylight. It wasn't until he wrote a couple cheesy Microsoft books that he was able to claim he was an "objective journalist" and got the NY Times gig. Now this singing, dancing, magician—basically a one-man walking minstrel show—gets all the attention while I write for "Connected Home" magazine.

My gorilla-sized hands are shaking in anger just thinking about it.

I hate this little sleazeball so much that I've decided to double-down on Microsoft. Yes, this means I give up a lot of ease-of-use and that I'll be even more out of touch than ever with the tech mainstream, but I can't stand to use the same products that this obsequious twit sings about (yes, sings about!) on his web page. The thought of touching a product that David Pogue wrote about makes me want to vomit all over my beautiful Microsoft Natural Ergonomic Keyboard 4000*.

So thus begins the purge (see what I did there? Nice literary transition, right? You don't get that with Pogue) of Apple from my life. No more AppleTV. No more iPad, iMac, iPod, or anything else beginning with "i". In fact, I don't even allow my wife to buy apples when she's shopping for fruit. I'm serious here, folks. Not even applesauce.

One day I will be noticed for my brilliance. And when I am, I promise you I will not sing. I will not perform magic tricks. I will not conduct the Boston Philharmonic. I will simply do what I do best: lie about write about Microsoft and how its magical tear-inducing products are changing our world for the better. It's what I do best.

It may make me less "interesting" in the eyes of the tech press, but everyone's got a schtick. This is mine. I am Paul Thurrott, Microsoft lackey. Obviously.


* See, that's something else Microsoft does right. They really know how to name a product!

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

still being a total dickhead i see.
Just give it up. It's not funny.

Anonymous said...

Fucking crap.

Anonymous said...

paul wrote the last two comments - lol...

Anonymous said...

Are there fake Paul tweets? I'll have to have a look. Real Paul shows his true colours on there. It ain't pretty.

Anonymous said...


Really wanting a new post...these are just great.

Anonymous said...

MORE FPT please!!!

There is a gold mine of material in his recent comments section where he basically tells his readers to get lost.

Anonymous said...

Please write more of these. So awesome.

Anonymous said...

I just found out who you were, Pogue, and I already hate you.