Monday, July 2, 2007

Thurrott-le Down The Hype

A lot of Mac fans (translation: zealots) don't "get" guys like me and the esteemed Rob Enderle. To these flavor-aid swilling devotees of Cupertino, Apple can do no wrong, and anyone who says otherwise is either a Microsoft shill, or just plain delusional. They don't realize there's a whole world outside the walled garden that is Apple Inc.

That's why I'm so important to the tech world. I provide balance. The iPhone is a perfect example...even though I've already written more about the iPhone than anyone else on the Internet, I haven't posted an "official" review yet. That's because these things take time. I must first put my finger in the wind,* read what everyone else has to say, damn the unit with faint praise, then key in on any minor shortcomings with laser beam-like focus, proclaiming that Apple missed the mark. It helps if I can compare it unfavorably to a Microsoft product.

It's an important service that I offer. After all, I wouldn't want to be like these hacks:

Michael DeAgonia (Computerworld.com) proclaims the iPhone worthy of Star Trek: "Forget communicators and phasers. I have something better and seemingly more advanced. I have an iPhone..."

This dweeb conveniently omits the fact that the iPhone does not serve as a Tricorder, leaving you without the ability to gather critical medical information in the event of an emergency. It's stunning that Apple would leave out this critical feature.

Lev Grossman at TIME magazine needs a towel: "Whoever managed this project at Apple will be hailed as a Michelangelo, and the iPhone his or her Sistine Chapel..."

How ridiculous. The iPhone doesn't even include the most rudimentary version of Paint. What's the point of a touchscreen if you can't treat it like a tablet? Pathetic.

And speaking of towels, the folks over at "stuff.tv" have this to say: "...if you’re concerned about a smudged screen...heck, that’s what sleeves are for – or if you’re fussy, you could always use the included cloth. In fact, you might need to keep it to hand – a few hours with the iPhone is guaranteed to be a very steamy experience."

Aside from the obvious--ick--this one is a no-brainer. There is no porn included on the iPhone. With all those bundled apps, you'd think they'd throw the early-adopter geeks a bone, so to speak.

It just goes on and on, folks. Seriously, someone needs to serve as a glass of ice water in this Hell of congratulatory back-slapping. That's what I'm here for. Balance.

Plus, let's be honest...it takes time to do a thorough review of a product like this. First, I have to try almost singlehandedly to quell the hype. Then, I'll write a few kind words about how the product is good, but ultimately flawed. Then, I'll mercilessly mock it over on my WinInfo "news" site (in both regular articles and as part of a future "Short Takes"), while simultaneously praising it in a "Connected Home" article. Finally, I'll write up a 30,000-word essay over on the Windows Supersite (the most popular Windows website on this or any other planet), where I'll give it four or so "Paul Heads", and call it a day.

THAT is how you do a review.


*After pulling it out of my arse, of course.

2 comments:

Steve Ballmer said...

Paul, if you realllyy want to get back on my good side post a review of my blog.


http://fakesteveballmer.blogspot.com

Mike said...

Thank goodness you are around to restore the balance, Paul. Your good friend Leo has been gushing in a disgusting manner over this gadget. Every time he talks about his iPhone on one of his "netcasts" he throws in a few negatives to show he's on the ball, but you can tell he's tickled pink to be using the thing.

I think Rob Enderle had it right in his review where he describes the iPhone as a "complete failure" says it "sucks at texting and email" and is "nearly as fragile as fine china".

http://news.digitaltrends.com/talkback195.html

Admittedly he doesn't actually say he actually has one and has used it, so it's possible he's never even seen one. But this is Rob, and Rob's opinions have to be taken seriously. Only people who think Steve Jobs is the Messiah and a few weirdos at Groklaw don't respect that great man.