Cleanup on Aisle Five

Does anyone have a towel? I need one, obviously, after my latest column. In it, I used up all my adjectives to describe the orgasm-inducing thrill I feel running up and down my leg every time someone mentions Microsoft. If anyone doubts my status as chief cheerleader for The Software Giant™, please put those fears aside and check out the list of superlatives I laid on Mr. Ballmer's company:

"a revolution" .. “most exciting company in tech, hands down.” ... "amazing" ... “Microsoft is suddenly riding a wave of excitement and enthusiasm."..."It’s breathtaking" ..."incredible" ... "delivering a solid vision" ... "amazing" (again)" ... "decidedly positive" ... "this is huge year for Microsoft" ... "not evolutionarily but ... fairly dramatic" ... "The most exciting company in tech, hands down? I think the case can be made, yes."

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find my pom-pons. Obviously.

Not A Tech Enthusiast

I have repeatedly told you people that Paul Thurrott is not a Microsoft shill. Or a Microsoft Zealot. Or a Microsoft lackey. I am a Tech Enthusiast.

BWAHAHAHAHA. Good one, right?

I'm such a Tech Enthiusiast, in fact, that I have purged products from Apple Inc. from my life. Yeah, there's no sense in burdening myself with the most popular and well-designed products on the market. They're just not EXCITING! ENOUGH! FOR! PAUL! THURROTT!

God, I can't wait for Surface to surface. In the meantime, I'll be enjoying my Yugo Kindle Fire instead of that pesky iPad, and anything with the name "Windows" or "XBox" for virtually everything else. I just can't be bothered with quality any more. I'm "all in" on second-rate technology. My readers expect nothing less.

Obviously.

Broken Watch

Every now and again, I get a column exactly right.

This is one of those times.

Even a broken watch is right once a day.

This Doesn't Apply To Me Either

Because, you know, I have huge gorilla-like hands. And we all know what that translates to. Here's the skinny (That's a diet joke. Get it?) from some rag named "Geek Wire".

"A techno-dance routine that preceded Microsoft’s Windows Azure presentation at the Norwegian Developers Conference this week featured a group of women jumping around on stage to a song that included several drug references and this line: “The words MICRO and SOFT don’t apply to my penis.” 

In a strange effort to be inclusive, a monitor displaying the lyrics added, “or vagina.”

It's good to see Microsoft's partners being so inclusive, isn't it?

Just in case you were wondering...

...this, boys and girls, is what real analysis looks like. You won't hear this from me (obviously, because I have a vested interest in Windows 8 succeeding), but if you want truth, here are a few nuggets you won't read over on Paul Thurrott's SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS by Paul Thurrott, courtesy of some hack named "Michael Mace" (who obviously doesn't write for the prestigious "Connected Home" magazine, so therefore he's irrelevant):

Windows 8 in its current form is very different; attractive in some ways, and disturbing in others.  It combines an interesting new interface with baffling changes to Windows compatibility, and amateur mistakes in customer messaging.  Add up all the changes, and I am very worried that Microsoft may be about to shoot itself in the foot spectacularly.  Even the plain colorful graphics in Windows 8 that looked so cool when I first saw them are starting to look ominous to me, like the hotel decor in "The Shining".

...shutdown requires five actions: a hover, a sweep, and three clicks.  Plus the command is hidden in a very non-intuitive place.  People used to joke that only Microsoft could think it was intuitive to have the Shut Down command hidden under the Start button.  I think it's sooooo much more intuitive to have it hidden under Settings 

If you're not a Windows user, it is hard to describe how disorienting this is.  It's roughly equivalent to giving someone a car in which the steering wheel has been replaced by a joystick.  Not only do you need to learn how to steer with a joystick, but all of the controls formerly attached to the steering column are now scattered in various spots on the dashboard.  The wiper control is a lever above the radio, the high beam lights are a switch on the rearview mirror, the turn signal is a set of buttons under the speedometer, and the cruise control is a dial hidden inside the ashtray.  Oh, and you honk the horn by bouncing up and down in your seat. 

Unfortunately, although Windows 8 may have a light hardware footprint, it has compatibility problems with some existing hardware, including some Windows 7 computers.  Computers designed for Vista can have much more serious problems.  This became very clear to me when I installed Windows 8 on my Vista-based mini tablet PC.  Windows 8 is not compatible with the wireless network chips in my tablet PC, so it can no longer connect to the Internet.  

If you're a productivity worker, Windows 8 does very little for you, and in fact probably makes your life harder.   

It goes on, and on, and on (this guy has diarrhea of the keyboard worse than even me), but you get the idea. We're looking at a forthcoming disaster folks, and no amount of cheerleading on my part is going to make it better. But I'm doing my damndest despite that. Obviously.