Saturday, November 20, 2010

Lies! Lies, I Tell You!

So it's garbage like this that really makes the skin on my overly-large hands crawl:

"The Microsoft Windows Phone 7 has been on sale for close to two weeks and other than first days sales of 40,000 units, we have not heard any other information about the success of the phone. Steve Balmer keeps saying it is off to a great start. Without providing number to back up those claims, one has to wonder whether it is selling even close to the internal predictions they had."

First, as I told you on the SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS!, that "40,000" number is complete bullshit, sorry. Someone pulled a number out of their ass, and the rest of the tech industry, which can't get anything right because Microsoft doesn't feed them press releases they don't do their research, reports it as if it's a fact. It's not.

Second, the author of this "news" story can't even spell "Ballmer" right. It's not "BALMER". It's spelled B-A-L-L-M-E-R. Or, if you need a helpful mnemonic device, "Bad-Ass Lame Loser Monkey-Eating Reject". Obviously. Ballmer isn't releasing numbers because he's a humble guy. Not everyone knows this about him, but it's true. Microsoft has more class than any other company on the planet and they don't want to gloat.

Third, the magical tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone is perfect in every way. It's a game-changer. All you druid-using iPhoneys will eventually come to see this, particularly when Microsoft reclaims the tablet market when it introduces its iPad killer with this fantastic software.

Just you wait. Prosperity is just around the corner. Obviously.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

By the numbers

Microsoft Sells 1 Million Kinect Devices in First 10 Days

So it's unclear why this number isn't higher, but it's still fantastic. To put it in perspective, it's about 999,999 more than the number of Windows Phone 7 Phones sold in the same period.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Just To Be Clear...

...this isn't Microsoft's fault either.

Everything Is Someone Else's Fault

So it's unclear why the Tear-Inducing Magical Windows Phone 7 Phone isn't selling particularly well, but then again, I take comfort in knowing it's not Microsoft's fault. Obviously. Mr. Ballmer has been busy planting stories informing journalists about the real reasons:

It's AT&T's Fault

It's the fault of the partners

It's a manufacturing problem

It doesn't matter anyway, because Microsoft is being chased by a bear. Whatever the hell that means.

So rest easy, dear reader. All is well in Microsoft-land, and the Tear-Inducing Magical Windows Phone 7 Phone will be just fine. Obviously.

Monday, November 8, 2010

An Amazing Day

Today is clearly an amazing day as the Magical Tear Inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone goes on sale at AT&T. As you can see, the lines are nothing short of remarkable, obviously. It's unclear why anyone wouldn't trade in their Druid or iPhoney today for the Windows Phone 7 Phone, along with a copy of my latest book, "Paul Thurrott's Windows Phone 7 Secrets by Paul Thurrott".

Look again! See those lines? Amazing!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Being a Dickhead: Then and Now

What I said then:
"While the Apple-loving press holds its collective breath for what is expected to be an early 2010 announcement of an iPod touch-based tablet computer, the real deal is coming from a company with almost of a decade of tablet PC experience. Microsoft is now in the final stages of developing a book-like tablet device (code-named Courier) that completely rethinks the concept of personal computing."

What I say now:
"I was amused to see the headline 'Apple Takes 95% of Tablet Market,' since another way to say that is, 'Apple Takes 95% of iPad Market,' as there are no other products actually competing in the tablet market. ... I have to wonder. When Apple has a market all to themselves and somehow instantly cedes 5 percent of that market, why is that less newsworthy than Apple being unable to crack 5 percent of the worldwide PC market after over 12 years of steady gains?"
Or better yet, why has Microsoft given up 95% of a market it had all to itself until about seven months ago? It doesn't matter, obviously. The iPad isn't a "real" table, it's an overpriced toy. In that segment, Apple owns everything.