Showing posts with label Microsoft Innovation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Microsoft Innovation. Show all posts

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Not A Tech Enthusiast

I have repeatedly told you people that Paul Thurrott is not a Microsoft shill. Or a Microsoft Zealot. Or a Microsoft lackey. I am a Tech Enthusiast.

BWAHAHAHAHA. Good one, right?

I'm such a Tech Enthiusiast, in fact, that I have purged products from Apple Inc. from my life. Yeah, there's no sense in burdening myself with the most popular and well-designed products on the market. They're just not EXCITING! ENOUGH! FOR! PAUL! THURROTT!

God, I can't wait for Surface to surface. In the meantime, I'll be enjoying my Yugo Kindle Fire instead of that pesky iPad, and anything with the name "Windows" or "XBox" for virtually everything else. I just can't be bothered with quality any more. I'm "all in" on second-rate technology. My readers expect nothing less.

Obviously.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Broken Watch

Every now and again, I get a column exactly right.

This is one of those times.

Even a broken watch is right once a day.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Just in case you were wondering...

...this, boys and girls, is what real analysis looks like. You won't hear this from me (obviously, because I have a vested interest in Windows 8 succeeding), but if you want truth, here are a few nuggets you won't read over on Paul Thurrott's SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS by Paul Thurrott, courtesy of some hack named "Michael Mace" (who obviously doesn't write for the prestigious "Connected Home" magazine, so therefore he's irrelevant):

Windows 8 in its current form is very different; attractive in some ways, and disturbing in others.  It combines an interesting new interface with baffling changes to Windows compatibility, and amateur mistakes in customer messaging.  Add up all the changes, and I am very worried that Microsoft may be about to shoot itself in the foot spectacularly.  Even the plain colorful graphics in Windows 8 that looked so cool when I first saw them are starting to look ominous to me, like the hotel decor in "The Shining".
...shutdown requires five actions: a hover, a sweep, and three clicks.  Plus the command is hidden in a very non-intuitive place.  People used to joke that only Microsoft could think it was intuitive to have the Shut Down command hidden under the Start button.  I think it's sooooo much more intuitive to have it hidden under Settings 
If you're not a Windows user, it is hard to describe how disorienting this is.  It's roughly equivalent to giving someone a car in which the steering wheel has been replaced by a joystick.  Not only do you need to learn how to steer with a joystick, but all of the controls formerly attached to the steering column are now scattered in various spots on the dashboard.  The wiper control is a lever above the radio, the high beam lights are a switch on the rearview mirror, the turn signal is a set of buttons under the speedometer, and the cruise control is a dial hidden inside the ashtray.  Oh, and you honk the horn by bouncing up and down in your seat. 
Unfortunately, although Windows 8 may have a light hardware footprint, it has compatibility problems with some existing hardware, including some Windows 7 computers.  Computers designed for Vista can have much more serious problems.  This became very clear to me when I installed Windows 8 on my Vista-based mini tablet PC.  Windows 8 is not compatible with the wireless network chips in my tablet PC, so it can no longer connect to the Internet.  
If you're a productivity worker, Windows 8 does very little for you, and in fact probably makes your life harder.   

It goes on, and on, and on (this guy has diarrhea of the keyboard worse than even me), but you get the idea. We're looking at a forthcoming disaster folks, and no amount of cheerleading on my part is going to make it better. But I'm doing my damndest despite that. Obviously.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

How to REALLY Fix Microsoft

If you're a regular reader of THE SUPERSITE! FOR WINDOWS! then you'll already have read the multi-page tome "How Microsoft can fix Microsoft." Here are a few ideas that weren't in the article. Microsoft, are you listening?

  • Rename Microsoft. Henceforth you shall be called, "The Software Giant," a term I coined in reference to The Software Giant long ago. This not only reflects the nature of the company, but is in homage to me, which is just obvious.

  • Dump the Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone. Seriously. You jumped the shark on that thing when you hard-coded facebook into it. Can you imagine walking around with a device that featured MySpace AND YOU COULDN'T GET RID OF IT? Seriously, Software Giant, WTF were you thinking?

  • All Software Giant Press Releases should be written by Tech Genius and Weight Loss Expert Paul Thurrott. Obviously.

  • Give Steve Ballmer a new title. The original article said to fire him, but in retrospect, that's a bad idea. I've thought long and hard about this, and I now realize that every successful company has its court jester. Ballmer can be to The Software Giant what Steve Wozniak is to Apple...a formerly great employee who pops up now and again to make an amusing comment about the company or the competition, gets some press, and then goes back quietly to his office to play with whatever gadget he bought that week. Ballmer would be perfect for this effort.

  • Buy DELL and sell it for parts. Just because. Those bastard are weighing you down by slapping the Software Giant logo on cheap commodity garbage. You need to put an end to it now.

  • Hire Michael Dell to replace Steve Ballmer. I know this seems to fly in the face of all logic based on my previous recommendation, but hey, I'm a professional critic. I don't get paid to make this work.

  • Develop for Apple products so you can make the best damn software in the world again. Microsoft Word? Originally written for the Mac. Excel? Ditto. PowerPoint? Originally a Mac-only program before y'all bought it and slapped it together with Office. My point here is that all the really good Microsoft stuff was originally coded for Apple (with the exception of Windows, which was a lame attempt to rip off Apple until you came close with XP). Start writing for iOS and MacOS, and see what happens.

So that's it. If you follow my stellar recommendations, The Software Giant can once again regain its crown and be the amazing company it once was. Or you can ignore me and be the Rob Enderle of the tech world...a loser clown that gets it right once every 10 years or so. Your choice.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Everything Is Someone Else's Fault

So it's unclear why the Tear-Inducing Magical Windows Phone 7 Phone isn't selling particularly well, but then again, I take comfort in knowing it's not Microsoft's fault. Obviously. Mr. Ballmer has been busy planting stories informing journalists about the real reasons:

It's AT&T's Fault

It's the fault of the partners

It's a manufacturing problem

It doesn't matter anyway, because Microsoft is being chased by a bear. Whatever the hell that means.

So rest easy, dear reader. All is well in Microsoft-land, and the Tear-Inducing Magical Windows Phone 7 Phone will be just fine. Obviously.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Fantasy Versus Reality

What I wrote:

"Something unusual happened Monday in New York: Microsoft launched a new smartphone platform and no one hated it. And no, I'm not joking"


What they said:

"Windows Phone 7 is the slickest, most impressive version of Windows on a mobile phone that Microsoft has yet produced. But that’s not saying much – and even if the actual quality of the operating system has much to recommend it, it offers little that will revolutionise the very crowded smartphone market."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/microsoft/8056190/Windows-Phone-7-first-review.html

"Best I can tell, there's nothing you can do on Windows Phone 7 devices that you can't do on an iPhone, BlackBerry or Google Android device."

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/wireless/phones/2010-10-12-windowsphonelook12_ST_N.htm

"No caveats now: Windows Phone 7 is a waste of time and money. It’s a platform that no carrier, device maker, developer, or user should bother with. Microsoft should kill it before it ships and admit that it’s out of the mobile game for good...anyone who gets one will prefer a lump of coal. I really mean that."

http://www.infoworld.com/d/mobilize/windows-phone-7-dont-bother-disaster-211

"Windows Phone 7 already has been declared a "disaster" and a "doomed" enterprise with a failed business model. It's a "step back" according to some number of developers and users of the older, and now incompatible, Windows Mobile OS."
http://www.cio.com/article/623227/Microsoft_s_Mobile_Ambitions_Ride_on_New_Windows_Phone_7_Handsets

"But good is not enough. I'm not talking about a couple of missing feature like copy and paste, which the company promises will arrive shortly. Can Microsoft create a platform that stands out enough to compete with Android and Apple? Will it be different enough that consumers are hungry for it? Will it be pervasive enough that developers want to invest limited resources in making apps for it?

If there is a company that has the heft to launch a competitive offering, it's Microsoft. Ballmer has spent a reported $400 million to advertise its new operating system, and he has the necessary partnerships with carriers to be taken seriously. But if that's not enough, the company won't get another "do-over." It might be time for Ballmer to set his sights on an external acquisition like the engineering powerhouse Research in Motion."

http://tech.fortune.cnn.com/2010/10/11/microsoft-windows-phone-7-simply-not-that-different/


No, I'm not joking. I'm just full of shit. Obviously.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Reviews Are In

The Magical Windows Phone 7 reviews are in, and the word is good. First up: Infoworld:

"There's no kind way to say it: Windows Phone 7 will be a failure. Windows Phone 7 is a pale imitation of the 2007-era iPhone. Microsoft has not only just made an imperfect copy of an old iPhone, it has not kept up with the current mobile OS crop nor moved ahead of any of them. I can't tell you how much Windows Phone 7 feels like the early 1990s' Windows 3.1, a clunky attempt to copy that era's Apple System 7.

"Microsoft needs to kill Windows Phone 7 and avoid further embarrassing itself by shipping this throwback. It's not a question of whether Windows Phone 7 will fail -- it will -- but how long it will take Microsoft to admit the failure. For the company's sake, the earlier it fesses up, the better." - Galen Gruman, Infoworld


This beauty comes from "Tech Radar":

"The best way to describe Windows Phone 7 is as another dimension to the smartphone market - it doesn't offer anything new... playing catch-up."


Next, Engadget weighs in:

"Overall, the mail experience is solid, but not best in class. There's a lot here that is laudable (like the sheer snappiness of it), but there's also a fair amount that's missing. We'd really like to see Microsoft strive for threaded messaging, joined inboxes, and an improved server-side search by the time this hits the market, but we're guessing that's asking a lot.

"We know this is still unfinished software, but this feels like something that should be already squared away.

"Zooming out to see as much of the page as possible isn't ... pretty; in its current incarnation, the browser seems to be using a pretty awful scaling algorithm, and small text looks like a jumble of jaggy, meaningless blocks without a hint of anti-aliasing. We'll admit, it makes browsing just a little less fun.

"If you've got a lot of Facebook friends, this renders your People app all but useless as a traditional phone contact list. Currently, Windows Phone 7 has no dedicated Facebook app, so that's part of the problem -- your Facebook friends simply have no place to live other than your primary contact list. What's strangest about all of this, though, is that as socially-aware as Windows Phone 7 seeks to be, there's not a lick of Twitter integration to be found.

"...putting out a product that's half-baked risks alienating early adopters at the worst possible time..." - Joshua Topolsky, Engadget

And finally, my own thoughts:

"...functionally retarded". -Paul Thurrott


Yes, it's going to be a great fall for Windows. I can't wait to start shedding more tears of joy.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Better Than Van Halen? Obviously!

So I attended a virtual meeting on the Microsoft Campus yesterday (using the amazing Windows Meeting Space, natch) where I was asked for my opinion about a new Bing jingle.* It's good to see Microsoft took my advice. Their innovative work with Soundsmith is paying off, obviously.



Lyrics:

Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet,
Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet,
Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet
Bing Goes the Internet…

If you’re looking to learn how to dance like me – Bing goes the Internet
If you want to find some pants like me – Bing goes the Internet
If you’re looking for answers to all of life’s questions – Bing goes the Internet
If you’re looking for fixes to all of life’s messes – Bing goes the Internet

Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet
Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet
Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet
Bing Goes the Internet…

* Longtime readers are familiar with my cutting-edge musical tastes.

Friday, July 31, 2009

I'm a Busy Guy

So, now that Windows Vista 2.0 is complete, I've been traveling across the globe, visiting yet another hidden corner of my beloved Europe. Silly antitrust suits nothwithstanding, Europe has the most amazing food, people, culture and coffee on the planet. Seriously, you should go there some time. Obviously.

This time I was in Amsterdam, and after letting the kids explore the red-light district, I figured it was time to put down some thoughts that didn't quite fit into Paul Thurrott's Supersite for Windows, Paul Thurrott's WinInfo Daily News, Paul Thurrott's Twitter page or Paul Thurrott's Friend Feed. Let's call this "Short Takes for The Secret Diary of Paul Thurrott".

Apple iPod Sales Tank in Anticipation of New Zune
Beleaguered consumer products company Apple Inc. released their quarterly results, and showed a shocking dip in iPod sales, which confirms something I've been saying all along: Microsoft has a real chance here to make inroads with its superior Zune Media Player and its superior software. Once the new Zune phone makes its appearance and Windows Mobile is unleashed, you'll see the end of the iPod's dominance. Obviously.

Microsoft Experiences Brief Sales Dip in Anticipation of Windows 7
The iCabal tried to draw a comparison between Apple's quarterly results and the numbers from the Redmond, WA Software Giant, but these people are just blind to reality. Folks, for every three Apple computers sold, 97 copies of Windows go out the door. It's not even close. It's unclear why the Apple zealots can't see this, but it's obvious that this temporary dip reflects the market's anticipation of the release of Vista 2.0. Besides, as the Software Giant put it in a press release, "it was an excellent achievement to deliver over $750 million of operational savings compared to the prior year quarter." Let's see Apple match those numbers. They can't. Obviously.

The EU Still Sucks Ass
I can't believe I still have to write about this, but here we go again. It's unclear why, but for all the beauty and wonder of my beloved Europe, the EU is still forcing everyone's favorite monopolist to not only remove Internet Explorer from Vista 2.0, but to actually suggest that an inferior browser such as Opera might fit the needs of this extremely intelligent population. With all due respect to my favorite region of the world, what the fuck are you people thinking? You're acting like a bunch of stupid hicks from Alabama. Y'all must be smoking too much Amsterdam weed. Obviously.

That Reminds Me
I have other responsibilities besides this blog. I don't have much time left here in Amsterdam, and there's a lot left to do, if you know what I mean. Thanks to all of you for hanging in there with me while this blog went on hiatus for a while. I'll do my best to post more regularly, but it's unclear when I'll be able to write again. I'm a busy guy. Obviously.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Microsoft Innovation

So a lot of people are looking forward to using Microsoft's Soundsmith application. I've been testing this innovative software for a while, and I'm nearly ready to post my review over on the Supersite For Windows. 

But until then, here's a teaser of the greatness to come. It's unclear why more people don't appreciate the work being done at Microsoft Research, because this is just smoking hot.