Thursday, November 5, 2009

Time to Celebrate

The latest bug fix version of Microsoft's superior operating system has been unleashed just in time for the upcoming holiday shopping season. I can only imagine the joy of little children everywhere as they unbox their copies of Windows Vista 2 7 so they can fix the pictures of their fish.

And on a related note, Merry Christmas Microsoft Employees! Thanks for making it such a great year for everyone. Microsoft appreciates your contributions, obviously.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Your Tax Dollars At Work

So I'm not usually an emotional guy, obviously. But I cried* a little when I saw this. The next generation is in good hands under the leadership of Steve Ballmer and his glorious marketing crew. God bless you, Microsoft. God Bless You.

* Tears of joy. Obviously.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Invitations Are In The Mail

Windows 7 will be the honored guest, obviously, but you're welcome to attend the launch party I'll be holding at my house. Be sure to RSVP in the comments section.

Sunday, September 20, 2009


A look at some of the lines forming as people froth at the mouth for an opportunity to buy a new Zune. Microsoft has a huge hit on their hands. Obviously.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Better Than Van Halen? Obviously!

So I attended a virtual meeting on the Microsoft Campus yesterday (using the amazing Windows Meeting Space, natch) where I was asked for my opinion about a new Bing jingle.* It's good to see Microsoft took my advice. Their innovative work with Soundsmith is paying off, obviously.


Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet,
Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet,
Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet
Bing Goes the Internet…

If you’re looking to learn how to dance like me – Bing goes the Internet
If you want to find some pants like me – Bing goes the Internet
If you’re looking for answers to all of life’s questions – Bing goes the Internet
If you’re looking for fixes to all of life’s messes – Bing goes the Internet

Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet
Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet
Bing, Bing, Bing Goes the Internet
Bing Goes the Internet…

* Longtime readers are familiar with my cutting-edge musical tastes.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Where In The World Is Paul Thurrott?

In case you haven't noticed, I'm back in my beloved Paris.

Have I mentioned I love Europe? Obviously. No more shitty American "coffee". No more stupid Americans everywhere I go. Just brilliant Europeans and smart people like myself.

This is the life. If it weren't for the friggin' European Union and their hatred for Microsoft, I'd move here.

Friday, July 31, 2009

I'm a Busy Guy

So, now that Windows Vista 2.0 is complete, I've been traveling across the globe, visiting yet another hidden corner of my beloved Europe. Silly antitrust suits nothwithstanding, Europe has the most amazing food, people, culture and coffee on the planet. Seriously, you should go there some time. Obviously.

This time I was in Amsterdam, and after letting the kids explore the red-light district, I figured it was time to put down some thoughts that didn't quite fit into Paul Thurrott's Supersite for Windows, Paul Thurrott's WinInfo Daily News, Paul Thurrott's Twitter page or Paul Thurrott's Friend Feed. Let's call this "Short Takes for The Secret Diary of Paul Thurrott".

Apple iPod Sales Tank in Anticipation of New Zune
Beleaguered consumer products company Apple Inc. released their quarterly results, and showed a shocking dip in iPod sales, which confirms something I've been saying all along: Microsoft has a real chance here to make inroads with its superior Zune Media Player and its superior software. Once the new Zune phone makes its appearance and Windows Mobile is unleashed, you'll see the end of the iPod's dominance. Obviously.

Microsoft Experiences Brief Sales Dip in Anticipation of Windows 7
The iCabal tried to draw a comparison between Apple's quarterly results and the numbers from the Redmond, WA Software Giant, but these people are just blind to reality. Folks, for every three Apple computers sold, 97 copies of Windows go out the door. It's not even close. It's unclear why the Apple zealots can't see this, but it's obvious that this temporary dip reflects the market's anticipation of the release of Vista 2.0. Besides, as the Software Giant put it in a press release, "it was an excellent achievement to deliver over $750 million of operational savings compared to the prior year quarter." Let's see Apple match those numbers. They can't. Obviously.

The EU Still Sucks Ass
I can't believe I still have to write about this, but here we go again. It's unclear why, but for all the beauty and wonder of my beloved Europe, the EU is still forcing everyone's favorite monopolist to not only remove Internet Explorer from Vista 2.0, but to actually suggest that an inferior browser such as Opera might fit the needs of this extremely intelligent population. With all due respect to my favorite region of the world, what the fuck are you people thinking? You're acting like a bunch of stupid hicks from Alabama. Y'all must be smoking too much Amsterdam weed. Obviously.

That Reminds Me
I have other responsibilities besides this blog. I don't have much time left here in Amsterdam, and there's a lot left to do, if you know what I mean. Thanks to all of you for hanging in there with me while this blog went on hiatus for a while. I'll do my best to post more regularly, but it's unclear when I'll be able to write again. I'm a busy guy. Obviously.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I Told You So

I was right again. I just didn't think it would happen so soon.

In my last post on this site, I promised to have some fun with the Mac fanatics that love to pick apart my work looking for any opportunity to strike at what they perceive to be criticism of their precious platform.

So over on Paul Thurrott's Supersite For Windows, I posted a quick blurb about the exciting soon-to-be-in-production Windows 8. In that post, I cleverly hid a little tidbit for the iCabal:

"You must be spending too much time wondering why Apple can't release its not-upgrade, Snow Leopard, in a reasonable amount of time, or for free."

So, obviously, it didn't take much time before the iGoons struck. The story has been completely overtaken by space aliens, Arby's restaurant managers, moms, and heaven knows who else. I've been watching the comments come in all day. It's better than sex. The best part is, my click rate is through the proverbial roof. The iGoons are financing my next trip to France.

Thanks for proving my point. You people are nuts, sorry.

Friday, April 17, 2009

It's fun to watch them squirm

Longtime readers of Paul Thurrott's Various Websites will note that not only am I the only unbiased observer of the Apple universe, I also own and use many Apple products.

Or at least I used to. I haven't been able to find a way to make a penny off Apple. They've shut me out of their campus. The best I can do is hang out at the new Apple store on Boylston street and drool on the Ikea-inspired tables.

So I've had enough.

I've been slowly divesting myself of any Apple products. The iPhone will soon be replaced with a Windows Mobile phone running software version 6.5. My iPod sits in a drawer with my Timex Sinclair 2000 while I use my beautiful brown Zune. My iBook is no match for my beloved Lenovo, my Apple TV goes largely unused since I have much more capable Media Extenders in the house, and I dropped my dot-mac service despite being a longtime user and onetime advocate.

So now the fun begins.

Since I no longer have to maintain the appearance of objectivity, I can now drop the curtain and reveal myself as the Microsoft- and Windows-loving (and I mean week I'm getting a Windows logo tatooed on my ass) guy I've always been. But not before I have some fun with the iCabal. They make it so easy.

I've been writing positive things about the Microsoft ads for a while now. Over the next couple of weeks, I'll make snide comments about Apple's pricing. I'll point out that their market share is insignificant. I'll do whatever it takes to help poor lowly Microsoft succeed against this brutal enemy. I'll be applying my insightful analysis all across the web, and kicking the living crap out of Apple at the same time.

Nothing gives me more pleasure than watching my credibility go up in direct proportion to the blood pressure of the iCabal when I poke them with a big stick on my various websites. Be sure to follow along, folks. This is going to be a lot of fun. Almost as much fun as running Paul Thurrott's Garage Sale.


Sunday, April 12, 2009

How I Do It

So it's not easy being the pre-eminent Windows tech columnist in the known universe. Obviously. Paul Thurrot's Windows Supersite remains the only reliable source for information about anything that really matters in technology (that is, anything from Microsoft). My competition just can't keep up, sorry (cough) Mary-Jo Foley and my good friend Rob Enderle.

So how do I do it? Normally I wouldn't tell you, but I'm on something of a Microsoft high after watching the latest round of "I'm a PC commercials", so I'm going to spill the beans here. Pay attention, you tech hacks (I'm looking at you, T-Shirt salesman). You could all learn something from me.

First, you have to have a deep and abiding relationship with insiders within Microsoft. How many times a year do you think I get wined and dined by these jokers? Answer: A lot. A hell of a lot, obviously. They clue me in to what's coming up down the road and I sign a NDA while laughing all the way to the bank.

Next, I write some kind of forward-looking piece of commentary on The Supersite For Windows where I advise Microsoft, telling them what direction I think they should go in. For instance, you'll notice that many months ago, I advised Microsoft to actively attack their most hated competitor (Apple, obviously) with some hard-hitting advertising. Of course I knew what was coming down the pipe. A 3% market share for Apple would be dangerous, and as a marketing guy, Steve Ballmer knows this better than anyone. So he had his lieutenants give me a preview of the new ads. (I've had them on my beloved Lenovo for months now, waiting for them to run through that contractual obligation they had with Seinfeld and Gates. I cannot tell you how much I hate Gates, by the way. The man rolled over and caved to Apple so many times, and his toxic influence is still being felt on the Redmond campus. Ballmer seems to have finally grown a pair, so maybe the Gates years are finally over, and none to soon.) But that aside, the point is I always know what's coming up before any other writer. So it's easy to prognosticate on this stuff, obviously.

Next, I expand on the point I made in several blog posts and commentary pieces (many cleverly disguised as "news" stories).

Soon, Microsoft implements their plans, and I gleefully write that they're finally listening to me. I look like a prophet of success, my reputation soars, and Mary Jo Foley gets to sweep up my droppings and spread them all over her "Inside Microsoft" blog, or whatever she's calling it these days. My brilliance leaves the rest of them eating my dust.

It's a business plan that reaps huge rewards. And only I can do it. Because I am the master.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Stirring Prose From The Master

I'm not prone to sudden outbursts of tears, but my good friend Rob Enderle made me cry with his beautiful prose about the stunning new Dell Adamo. Please allow me a moment to personally address this fine human being. Rob: I love you, man. You've always been my favorite Apple-baiter. With this piece, you have risen to the level of master baiter. I salute you with my unnaturally large hands.

Just look at this glorious wordsmith in action:

But the Dell Adamo is the first notebook in a long time that is as much a statement as it is a PC. It stands as a counterpoint to the doom and gloom that surrounds us.

While few will probably buy the Adamo, the times are the times; it is great that Dell came out with something some of us could aspire to.

Seriously, the Adamo reminds us the economy will come back giving us a little hope and something to look forward to.
Some will say that Rob sounds like an Apple fanatic. But he's not. Obviously. Rob is just a beautiful, beautiful man, and the tech world is a better place because he's in it. Rob, I salute you with every appendage in my body. You magnificent wordsmith!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Honored Again, Obviously

So, I have been honored once again by members of the PC Press for the important service I provide to the Windows Community through my various blogs, books, webcasts, magazine articles and general evangelizing. The smart people over at Ziff Davis have named me one of the Ten Best Techies Worth Following on Twitter. You'll find me right on top of my good friend Rob Enderle.

Author Jason Hiner called me a "Terrific source for information on the Microsoft product ecosystem". As I've said many times on The Windows Supersite, I'm usually the first to point out emerging trends in Windows, and you won't find analysis like this anywhere else on the web.


The only mystery is how anyone from Macworld could have beaten me out for one of the top five spots. I guess it just goes to show you that when it comes to evangelizing for Windows, my work is never done.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Microsoft Innovation

So a lot of people are looking forward to using Microsoft's Soundsmith application. I've been testing this innovative software for a while, and I'm nearly ready to post my review over on the Supersite For Windows. 

But until then, here's a teaser of the greatness to come. It's unclear why more people don't appreciate the work being done at Microsoft Research, because this is just smoking hot.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Major Recognition

So I'm not one to normally talk about myself. Obviously I won't write about this on Paul Thurrott's Supersite For Windows, but you should all know that I've been recognized with a feature-length article in the well-respected technical Journal "Roughly Drafted". The authors of this prestigious publication finally recognized something I've been saying all along: The lying liars at Apple need to be called what they are: Lying Liars. The liars.

Thurrott isn’t the only one to happen upon this vast conspiracy of liberal media elitism. He was recently delighted to find a similar mindset emanating from Fake Steve Jobs blogger Dan Lyons, the man who for years defended Microsoft and SCO and vilified open source, Linux, and IBM’s support for the otherwise defenseless volunteers who wrote the open code that dared compete against the Redmond monopolist. Lyon’s support for SCO and contempt for Linux was so intense that he found new adoration from the equally phony Rob Enderle.
And finally, I'm recognized for my years of stellar reporting.

Fair and balanced reporting is not the art of making the world appear equal and non-controversial. It is reporting things that are wrong, and reporting things that are right. It is not done by comparing events to a list of ideological concepts to determine which events should be reported and for how long, but rather in presenting all the facts without an agenda.

So it's always good to be mentioned in the same breath as giants such as Lyons and Enderle, but it's more important that the mainstream tech press is finally discussing this, as I have been for years. Welcome to the party, guys. Once again I'm ahead of the curve, obviously.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

You Can't Trick Me

So Apple's trying to distract us from the much larger issue of Steve Jobs' health problems by making a big deal out of 500,000 applications downloaded from their so-called "app store".

It's unclear why anyone should get excited about this when faced with the obvious problem of Jobs' rapidly deteriorating health. The liars at Apple are simply trying to distract you all, sorry. After a boring Macworld that didn't introduce anything new (including a shockingly dull presentation by Phil Schiller) and pending lawsuits over the lies regarding their clearly sick CEO's health issues, they have to do something to distract the iCabal-friendly press. Their most rabid fans will eat this right up and you can expect their friends in the media, led by the usual suspects (I'm looking at you Walt Mossberg) to fall right in line.

I've got the feeling you can expect a lot more of this kind of silliness out of Cupertino for the next six months, or until a permanent replacement is named for His Holiness Mr. Jobs.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Rumors In The Cloud

It's been a rough week around here. But now that my Zune is finally up and running and I can listen to VanHalen once more, I'm ready to start thinking about MacWorld again.


There. I'm done.

I won't give credence to any of the rumors being passed around the by the iCabal: You know them already: New Mac Mini. An expansion of the failed MobileMe program to include more programs in "the cloud". A new hobbled laptop that doesn't even include 23 different memory card readers like my beloved Lenovo. A netbook. An iPhone nano. Oh, and a pony.

None of this is going to happen, obviously*. Even if it does, it will pale in comparison to anything Microsoft has available, or will have available soon with Windows Vista 2.5 Windows 7.

* You might notice that I've tried to break myself of the habit of using the word "obviously". Obviously** it's not as easy as it looks.

** D'Oh!

Friday, January 2, 2009

I'm Back!

I'm back from my extended absence. Many of you have called, written, stopped by my door offering gifts, and some of you have even expressed concern for my health. I won't say where I've been except to offer this hint: Writing a book is hard!

So where were we?