Thursday, December 23, 2010

App of the Month

Finally, the amazing magical tear-inducing Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone has an application worthy of this all-new game-changing platform.

Finally the "I Am Rich" application is available for the broad range of flawless handsets made by Microsoft partners. It's the perfect Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone application: It does nothing of interest, it's expensive, the graphics are subpar, and no one will buy it.

I'm so happy my overly-large hands are shaking and my eyes are watering. Excuse me, I need to take a moment. This may be a whole chapter in my next book, "Killer Apps For The Magical Tear-Inducing Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone And Other Secrets".

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

This Is Not Me Quoting Myself

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that someone has kidnapped The World's Only Objective Tech Reporter, my (former?) hero Paul Thurrott. Look at what he has to say in his latest epic post over on The Supersite For Windows:

"By all accounts, in fact, Windows Phone 7 is careening toward inevitable disaster."(editor's note: obviously)

"Indeed, for businesses, Windows Phone is a mixed bag right now."

"It's OK, Microsoft, I can take a hint. You don't want to talk about Windows Phone's problems. Message received." (editor's note: If Microsoft won't even talk to their back-pocket lackey and author of the only Windows Phone 7 Phone book on the market, it must be beyond bad. We're talking about an epic fail.)

"I just wish the company would show some signs of life."

But the kicker is when he compares the beautiful tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone to the last Microsoft disaster (well, not counting Kin):

The last time Microsoft tried this tactic was with Windows Vista. And we all know how that turned out.
Et tu, Mr. Thurrott? Et tu?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Lies! Lies, I Tell You!

So it's garbage like this that really makes the skin on my overly-large hands crawl:

"The Microsoft Windows Phone 7 has been on sale for close to two weeks and other than first days sales of 40,000 units, we have not heard any other information about the success of the phone. Steve Balmer keeps saying it is off to a great start. Without providing number to back up those claims, one has to wonder whether it is selling even close to the internal predictions they had."

First, as I told you on the SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS!, that "40,000" number is complete bullshit, sorry. Someone pulled a number out of their ass, and the rest of the tech industry, which can't get anything right because Microsoft doesn't feed them press releases they don't do their research, reports it as if it's a fact. It's not.

Second, the author of this "news" story can't even spell "Ballmer" right. It's not "BALMER". It's spelled B-A-L-L-M-E-R. Or, if you need a helpful mnemonic device, "Bad-Ass Lame Loser Monkey-Eating Reject". Obviously. Ballmer isn't releasing numbers because he's a humble guy. Not everyone knows this about him, but it's true. Microsoft has more class than any other company on the planet and they don't want to gloat.

Third, the magical tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone is perfect in every way. It's a game-changer. All you druid-using iPhoneys will eventually come to see this, particularly when Microsoft reclaims the tablet market when it introduces its iPad killer with this fantastic software.

Just you wait. Prosperity is just around the corner. Obviously.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

By the numbers

Microsoft Sells 1 Million Kinect Devices in First 10 Days

So it's unclear why this number isn't higher, but it's still fantastic. To put it in perspective, it's about 999,999 more than the number of Windows Phone 7 Phones sold in the same period.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Just To Be Clear...

...this isn't Microsoft's fault either.

Everything Is Someone Else's Fault

So it's unclear why the Tear-Inducing Magical Windows Phone 7 Phone isn't selling particularly well, but then again, I take comfort in knowing it's not Microsoft's fault. Obviously. Mr. Ballmer has been busy planting stories informing journalists about the real reasons:

It's AT&T's Fault

It's the fault of the partners

It's a manufacturing problem

It doesn't matter anyway, because Microsoft is being chased by a bear. Whatever the hell that means.

So rest easy, dear reader. All is well in Microsoft-land, and the Tear-Inducing Magical Windows Phone 7 Phone will be just fine. Obviously.

Monday, November 8, 2010

An Amazing Day

Today is clearly an amazing day as the Magical Tear Inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone goes on sale at AT&T. As you can see, the lines are nothing short of remarkable, obviously. It's unclear why anyone wouldn't trade in their Druid or iPhoney today for the Windows Phone 7 Phone, along with a copy of my latest book, "Paul Thurrott's Windows Phone 7 Secrets by Paul Thurrott".

Look again! See those lines? Amazing!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Being a Dickhead: Then and Now

What I said then:
"While the Apple-loving press holds its collective breath for what is expected to be an early 2010 announcement of an iPod touch-based tablet computer, the real deal is coming from a company with almost of a decade of tablet PC experience. Microsoft is now in the final stages of developing a book-like tablet device (code-named Courier) that completely rethinks the concept of personal computing."

What I say now:
"I was amused to see the headline 'Apple Takes 95% of Tablet Market,' since another way to say that is, 'Apple Takes 95% of iPad Market,' as there are no other products actually competing in the tablet market. ... I have to wonder. When Apple has a market all to themselves and somehow instantly cedes 5 percent of that market, why is that less newsworthy than Apple being unable to crack 5 percent of the worldwide PC market after over 12 years of steady gains?"
Or better yet, why has Microsoft given up 95% of a market it had all to itself until about seven months ago? It doesn't matter, obviously. The iPad isn't a "real" table, it's an overpriced toy. In that segment, Apple owns everything.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Amazing New App

While the rest of you iDiots and Druids are playing on your silly little so-called "smartphones", I'm going to be drooling over the amazing array of applications available for my magical, special and tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 phone.

Be sure to read my EXCLUSIVE! review here of the latest amazing app available for this all-new platform. It's called "Flowerz". Isn't that clever? The brilliant engineers at Microsoft spelled flowers with a Z. Magical. A sure sign of the wonders yet to come.

Take that, Apple and Google. Nothing you ofer can possibly compare to my magical, special, tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 phone. Obviously.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Fantasy Versus Reality

What I wrote:

"Something unusual happened Monday in New York: Microsoft launched a new smartphone platform and no one hated it. And no, I'm not joking"

What they said:

"Windows Phone 7 is the slickest, most impressive version of Windows on a mobile phone that Microsoft has yet produced. But that’s not saying much – and even if the actual quality of the operating system has much to recommend it, it offers little that will revolutionise the very crowded smartphone market."

"Best I can tell, there's nothing you can do on Windows Phone 7 devices that you can't do on an iPhone, BlackBerry or Google Android device."

"No caveats now: Windows Phone 7 is a waste of time and money. It’s a platform that no carrier, device maker, developer, or user should bother with. Microsoft should kill it before it ships and admit that it’s out of the mobile game for good...anyone who gets one will prefer a lump of coal. I really mean that."

"Windows Phone 7 already has been declared a "disaster" and a "doomed" enterprise with a failed business model. It's a "step back" according to some number of developers and users of the older, and now incompatible, Windows Mobile OS."

"But good is not enough. I'm not talking about a couple of missing feature like copy and paste, which the company promises will arrive shortly. Can Microsoft create a platform that stands out enough to compete with Android and Apple? Will it be different enough that consumers are hungry for it? Will it be pervasive enough that developers want to invest limited resources in making apps for it?

If there is a company that has the heft to launch a competitive offering, it's Microsoft. Ballmer has spent a reported $400 million to advertise its new operating system, and he has the necessary partnerships with carriers to be taken seriously. But if that's not enough, the company won't get another "do-over." It might be time for Ballmer to set his sights on an external acquisition like the engineering powerhouse Research in Motion."

No, I'm not joking. I'm just full of shit. Obviously.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Reviews Are In

The Magical Windows Phone 7 reviews are in, and the word is good. First up: Infoworld:

"There's no kind way to say it: Windows Phone 7 will be a failure. Windows Phone 7 is a pale imitation of the 2007-era iPhone. Microsoft has not only just made an imperfect copy of an old iPhone, it has not kept up with the current mobile OS crop nor moved ahead of any of them. I can't tell you how much Windows Phone 7 feels like the early 1990s' Windows 3.1, a clunky attempt to copy that era's Apple System 7.

"Microsoft needs to kill Windows Phone 7 and avoid further embarrassing itself by shipping this throwback. It's not a question of whether Windows Phone 7 will fail -- it will -- but how long it will take Microsoft to admit the failure. For the company's sake, the earlier it fesses up, the better." - Galen Gruman, Infoworld

This beauty comes from "Tech Radar":

"The best way to describe Windows Phone 7 is as another dimension to the smartphone market - it doesn't offer anything new... playing catch-up."

Next, Engadget weighs in:

"Overall, the mail experience is solid, but not best in class. There's a lot here that is laudable (like the sheer snappiness of it), but there's also a fair amount that's missing. We'd really like to see Microsoft strive for threaded messaging, joined inboxes, and an improved server-side search by the time this hits the market, but we're guessing that's asking a lot.

"We know this is still unfinished software, but this feels like something that should be already squared away.

"Zooming out to see as much of the page as possible isn't ... pretty; in its current incarnation, the browser seems to be using a pretty awful scaling algorithm, and small text looks like a jumble of jaggy, meaningless blocks without a hint of anti-aliasing. We'll admit, it makes browsing just a little less fun.

"If you've got a lot of Facebook friends, this renders your People app all but useless as a traditional phone contact list. Currently, Windows Phone 7 has no dedicated Facebook app, so that's part of the problem -- your Facebook friends simply have no place to live other than your primary contact list. What's strangest about all of this, though, is that as socially-aware as Windows Phone 7 seeks to be, there's not a lick of Twitter integration to be found.

"...putting out a product that's half-baked risks alienating early adopters at the worst possible time..." - Joshua Topolsky, Engadget

And finally, my own thoughts:

"...functionally retarded". -Paul Thurrott

Yes, it's going to be a great fall for Windows. I can't wait to start shedding more tears of joy.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Financial Results That Don't Matter

So I'll have more to say about this over on The Supersite! For! Windows! later, obviously, but let me point out that just because Apple had a profitable quarter, it doesn't mean anything. The rest of the tech blogosphere won't report this, because they're all in Apple's back pocket, but since I'm the only objective journalist in all of technology, I will.

Financial results are only one way to measure a company's success.

It's more important that you have amazing magical products like the upcoming Windows Phone (which is the subject of my next book, which is being finalized as I write this) that bring tears of joy to they eyes of everyone who uses it.

Apple's VistaPhone can't do that. Just remember that when you read how "successful" Apple supposedly is, just because their sales are up and they're raking in billions. It doesn't matter. Obviously.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Magical Windows Phone Is Perfect

Apple zealots are touting this page, which purports to show that many cell phones have problems with signal coverage, depending on how you hold them.

Guess which company does NOT have a phone on this page?

That's right. Microsoft.

That's because the magical Windows Phone does not and will not have any of these problems (nor will it have cut and paste, multitasking, and a host of other "me too" features that don't matter anyway, because this is a magical device that will make you cry tears of joy when you use it.).

Thanks to John Gruber for sending this on to me. I love you, John. Not as much as my Magical Windows Phone, but almost.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Oh, oh, oh, it's magic

I've been a way for a while, obviously.

The truth is, I was getting kind of depressed for a while there. Apple's unnecessary and expensive iPhone had been getting a lot of attention, and then there was the whole misleading "Apple overtakes Microsoft in capitalization" issue, which was totally misreported by the clueless bloggers in the tech industry, which get everything wrong anyway. Then Microsoft had a massive layoff, and they killed my beloved Kin.

But now? I'm back. What brought me back?

It was the crocodile tears I shed when I realized that the magical upcoming Windows Phone is going to change the world with its magical integration with the equally magical Windows Live.

Seriously, this is going to change the world. Even more than the Zune, if that's possible. Trust me, you've never seen anything like it. You have to go all the way back to Microsoft Bob to find something this magical and amazing from Microsoft.

In the meantime, the Steve Jobs VistaPhone is finally turning into the disaster I predicted years ago, Apple is under antitrust investigation, and Windows Vista 2.0 7 is setting sales records that would make Michael Jackson blush.

So I'm back. It's a good time to be a Microsoft toadie.