Why Not Apple

Ever since I made the momentous decision to purge products from Apple, Inc. from my life, I've been asked the simple question, "why"?

The answer is equally simple. David Pogue.

Now I realize that for the uninitiated, that may not make much sense. But let me connect the dots for you.

As you all know, I am the only objective technology writer on the planet. The only one that even comes close to me is Rob Enderle from "The Enderle Group" (where by "group" I mean, "Rob and his wife"). I have spent my life immersed in technology, from the very first gaming system ever invented to the awesome DELL (the finest computer builder in the known universe) that sits on my desk today. I am an expert without peer. Literally. Obviously.

And yet, while I toil away daily shilling for writing about Microsoft and all the amazing, tear-inducing products that come from The Software Giant™, I get no respect from the mainstream press. They routinely ignore me, or worse, vilify me as nothing more than a glorified cheerleader for Microsoft. Believe me, I am anything but a cheerleader for Microsoft. I once criticized them back in 1996 in an article I wrote, saying, "Microsoft may have stumbled here, but they're sure to come roaring back as they always do, vanquishing their opponents and regaining their rightful place on the top of the tech world heap." That's some pretty biting criticism right there. I don't know how anyone can call me a shill.

As The World's Only Objective Technology Writer, my obvious place is in writing for the top newspapers and magazines out there. To showcase my work, I created PAUL THURROTT'S SUPERSITE! FOR! WINDOWS! which demonstrates—daily—my propensity for verbal diarrhea and superlatives directed towards Microsoft and their partners. This stunning work has, unfortunately, gone largely unnoticed by the so-called mainstream press.  Bloggers ignore or deride me. My television appearances are limited to one-minute fluff pieces on the local 6:00 news. Legions of drooling Microsofties criticize me for owning Apple products. And that fucking David Pogue is writing for the New York Times.

For those of you who don't know who David Pogue is, here's a quick bio from his Wikipedia page:

David Welch Pogue (born March 9, 1963) is an American technology writer and TV science host. He is a personal technology columnist for the New York Times, an Emmy-winning tech correspondent for CBS News Sunday Morning, and a columnist for Scientific American. He is also the host of NOVA ScienceNow on PBS and was the host of the NOVA specials Making Stuff in 2011^[1] and Hunting the Elements in 2012.^[2] Pogue has written or co-written seven books in the For Dummies series (including Macintosh computers, magic, opera, and classical music). In 1999, he launched his own series of computer how-to books called the Missing Manual series, which now includes over 100 titles covering a variety of Macintosh and Windowsoperating systems and applications. Among the dozens of books Pogue has authored is The World According to Twitter (2009), written in collaboration with around 500,000 of his Twitter followers.

What this article doesn't mention is that David Pogue is an Apple lackey, pure and simple. He made a name for himself by writing "For Dummies" books about Apple, penning Apple columns, writing other Apple books, speaking at Apple conferences...you get the idea. The guy had his nose so far up Steve Jobs' ass, he couldn't see daylight. It wasn't until he wrote a couple cheesy Microsoft books that he was able to claim he was an "objective journalist" and got the NY Times gig. Now this singing, dancing, magician—basically a one-man walking minstrel show—gets all the attention while I write for "Connected Home" magazine.

My gorilla-sized hands are shaking in anger just thinking about it.

I hate this little sleazeball so much that I've decided to double-down on Microsoft. Yes, this means I give up a lot of ease-of-use and that I'll be even more out of touch than ever with the tech mainstream, but I can't stand to use the same products that this obsequious twit sings about (yes, sings about!) on his web page. The thought of touching a product that David Pogue wrote about makes me want to vomit all over my beautiful Microsoft Natural Ergonomic Keyboard 4000*.

So thus begins the purge (see what I did there? Nice literary transition, right? You don't get that with Pogue) of Apple from my life. No more AppleTV. No more iPad, iMac, iPod, or anything else beginning with "i". In fact, I don't even allow my wife to buy apples when she's shopping for fruit. I'm serious here, folks. Not even applesauce.

One day I will be noticed for my brilliance. And when I am, I promise you I will not sing. I will not perform magic tricks. I will not conduct the Boston Philharmonic. I will simply do what I do best: lie about write about Microsoft and how its magical tear-inducing products are changing our world for the better. It's what I do best.

It may make me less "interesting" in the eyes of the tech press, but everyone's got a schtick. This is mine. I am Paul Thurrott, Microsoft lackey. Obviously.


* See, that's something else Microsoft does right. They really know how to name a product!

Just in case you were wondering...

...this, boys and girls, is what real analysis looks like. You won't hear this from me (obviously, because I have a vested interest in Windows 8 succeeding), but if you want truth, here are a few nuggets you won't read over on Paul Thurrott's SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS by Paul Thurrott, courtesy of some hack named "Michael Mace" (who obviously doesn't write for the prestigious "Connected Home" magazine, so therefore he's irrelevant):

Windows 8 in its current form is very different; attractive in some ways, and disturbing in others.  It combines an interesting new interface with baffling changes to Windows compatibility, and amateur mistakes in customer messaging.  Add up all the changes, and I am very worried that Microsoft may be about to shoot itself in the foot spectacularly.  Even the plain colorful graphics in Windows 8 that looked so cool when I first saw them are starting to look ominous to me, like the hotel decor in "The Shining".

...shutdown requires five actions: a hover, a sweep, and three clicks.  Plus the command is hidden in a very non-intuitive place.  People used to joke that only Microsoft could think it was intuitive to have the Shut Down command hidden under the Start button.  I think it's sooooo much more intuitive to have it hidden under Settings 

If you're not a Windows user, it is hard to describe how disorienting this is.  It's roughly equivalent to giving someone a car in which the steering wheel has been replaced by a joystick.  Not only do you need to learn how to steer with a joystick, but all of the controls formerly attached to the steering column are now scattered in various spots on the dashboard.  The wiper control is a lever above the radio, the high beam lights are a switch on the rearview mirror, the turn signal is a set of buttons under the speedometer, and the cruise control is a dial hidden inside the ashtray.  Oh, and you honk the horn by bouncing up and down in your seat. 

Unfortunately, although Windows 8 may have a light hardware footprint, it has compatibility problems with some existing hardware, including some Windows 7 computers.  Computers designed for Vista can have much more serious problems.  This became very clear to me when I installed Windows 8 on my Vista-based mini tablet PC.  Windows 8 is not compatible with the wireless network chips in my tablet PC, so it can no longer connect to the Internet.  

If you're a productivity worker, Windows 8 does very little for you, and in fact probably makes your life harder.   

It goes on, and on, and on (this guy has diarrhea of the keyboard worse than even me), but you get the idea. We're looking at a forthcoming disaster folks, and no amount of cheerleading on my part is going to make it better. But I'm doing my damndest despite that. Obviously.

The Difference Between an Expert and a Hack

Experts write books.

Hacks sell T-shirts.

Any questions?

How to REALLY Fix Microsoft

If you're a regular reader of THE SUPERSITE! FOR WINDOWS! then you'll already have read the multi-page tome "How Microsoft can fix Microsoft." Here are a few ideas that weren't in the article. Microsoft, are you listening?

• Rename Microsoft. Henceforth you shall be called, "The Software Giant," a term I coined in reference to The Software Giant long ago. This not only reflects the nature of the company, but is in homage to me, which is just obvious.
  
  
• Dump the Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone. Seriously. You jumped the shark on that thing when you hard-coded facebook into it. Can you imagine walking around with a device that featured MySpace AND YOU COULDN'T GET RID OF IT? Seriously, Software Giant, WTF were you thinking?
  
  
• All Software Giant Press Releases should be written by Tech Genius and Weight Loss Expert Paul Thurrott. Obviously.
  
  
• Give Steve Ballmer a new title. The original article said to fire him, but in retrospect, that's a bad idea. I've thought long and hard about this, and I now realize that every successful company has its court jester. Ballmer can be to The Software Giant what Steve Wozniak is to Apple...a formerly great employee who pops up now and again to make an amusing comment about the company or the competition, gets some press, and then goes back quietly to his office to play with whatever gadget he bought that week. Ballmer would be perfect for this effort.
  
  
• Buy DELL and sell it for parts. Just because. Those bastard are weighing you down by slapping the Software Giant logo on cheap commodity garbage. You need to put an end to it now.
  
  
• Hire Michael Dell to replace Steve Ballmer. I know this seems to fly in the face of all logic based on my previous recommendation, but hey, I'm a professional critic. I don't get paid to make this work.
  
  
• Develop for Apple products so you can make the best damn software in the world again. Microsoft Word? Originally written for the Mac. Excel? Ditto. PowerPoint? Originally a Mac-only program before y'all bought it and slapped it together with Office. My point here is that all the really good Microsoft stuff was originally coded for Apple (with the exception of Windows, which was a lame attempt to rip off Apple until you came close with XP). Start writing for iOS and MacOS, and see what happens.

So that's it. If you follow my stellar recommendations, The Software Giant can once again regain its crown and be the amazing company it once was. Or you can ignore me and be the Rob Enderle of the tech world...a loser clown that gets it right once every 10 years or so. Your choice.

Support Your Local Pundit

You can have it in any color you like, as long as it's a shade of black.

(No, I haven't gone soft, but Gruber said something nice about me a while back, so I'm helping him out. Don't get used to it, because he's still a jackass.)

I'm So F*&%ing Clever

Remember, kiddies: When you're writing a review of an Apple product, it's important to hit all the right notes if you want to be taken seriously as The Most Important Windows Tech Analyst In The Free Word™:

Ailing Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who is currently on a mysterious medical leave of absence, returned temporarily to kick off the evolutionary product.

...Jobs said, opening the iPad announcement event, after receiving a standing ovation from the Apple-centric press in attendance.

Jobs and his Apple cohorts then went on to step through the expected product news: a thinner, slightly lighter new iPad that Apple claims offers better CPU performance and "nine times" the graphics performance of its predecessor.

Battery life is identical to that of its predecessor, as is pricing, which again ranges from $500 to a whopping $829. There are an incredible 18 different models of iPad 2, which comes in 16GB, 32GB, and 64GB variants, as before, and in models that work with Wi-Fi only, AT&T 3G wireless networks, and Verizon Wireless 3G. Good luck figuring out which one you want.

Basically, what we have here is a decidedly evolutionary update that simply maintains the status quo, technically and from a pricing perspective.

Problematically, the Android competition is just as expensive as the iPad lineup, so Apple obviously feels free to continue gouging consumers <----Note: I know this makes no sense whatsoever, but what the hell. It was fun to write. Never mind that if competitor pricing is at par or higher, Apple can't be "gouging". It sure sounds good. on iPad pricing. Those consumers show no sign of resisting this gouging, either: Apple is forecasted <----Note: not a real word to sell roughly 35 million iPads this year alone.

...if you do want to purchase a tablet device—virtually no one needs such a thing, remember—

Apple says the iPad 2 will begin shipping March 11 in the United States, but customers aren't able to preorder the device: Instead, you'll need to line up like a lemming at an Apple Store that day if you want one immediately. International sales start March 25.

I'll say it again. I am So. F&%#ing. Brilliant.

That Fracking Weasel

God, I hate David Pogue.

My obsession with him is almost as bad as my Steve Jobs obsession. What is it about Apple that draws such obnoxious, obsequious little twerps into its orbit? Seriously, I've spilled more ink over Pogue than any other columnist, and it infuriates me that he not only has his own column, but his own TV show, regularly appears on CNBC, has authored a series of books for both the Mac and Windows platforms that probably far outsell my own superior efforts, a blog, and God knows what else.

And he doesn't know a damn thing about tech. I'm the only one that does. Well, me and Rob Enderle. And sometimes Mary Jo Foley (who still rebuffs my drunken advances). I've been screaming this from the rooftops for years, and no one will listen. It sickens me. My overly-large gorilla hands are shaking as I write this, that's how angry I am.

It's a messed up world. Maybe once I lose all the weight I'm going to lose this year on my new diet that consists of fatty foods and not exercising, I'll be able to compete with this jerk.

Oh, and John Gruber doesn't know a damn thing, either, especially when it comes to the iPhone. Obviously.

Gruber Gets One Right. Almost.

So even the overrated t-shirt salesmen got it half-right. When it comes to the operation of the company, Steve Jobs doesn't matter to Apple. But Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs. Trust me, they'll have to prop him up in a lobby display like Jeremy Bentham in order for the place to survive without him.

Sign of the Apocalypse

That little pussy David Pogue now has his own TV show called "Making Stuff: Stronger".

He probably got the idea from lifting his heavy, overpriced, expensive toy, the iPad.

What is this world coming to?

In a related story, I'm going to be interviewed by the Eyewitness News Team sometime in the near future regarding my opinions on the greatness of the Amazon Kindle, which is the greatest product ever invented except for Windows. Obviously. Oh, and the nook is a joke.

Stay tuned.

Lies! Lies, I Tell You!

So it's garbage like this that really makes the skin on my overly-large hands crawl:

"The Microsoft Windows Phone 7 has been on sale for close to two weeks and other than first days sales of 40,000 units, we have not heard any other information about the success of the phone. Steve Balmer keeps saying it is off to a great start. Without providing number to back up those claims, one has to wonder whether it is selling even close to the internal predictions they had."

First, as I told you on the SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS!, that "40,000" number is complete bullshit, sorry. Someone pulled a number out of their ass, and the rest of the tech industry, which can't get anything right because Microsoft doesn't feed them press releases they don't do their research, reports it as if it's a fact. It's not.

Second, the author of this "news" story can't even spell "Ballmer" right. It's not "BALMER". It's spelled B-A-L-L-M-E-R. Or, if you need a helpful mnemonic device, "Bad-Ass Lame Loser Monkey-Eating Reject". Obviously. Ballmer isn't releasing numbers because he's a humble guy. Not everyone knows this about him, but it's true. Microsoft has more class than any other company on the planet and they don't want to gloat.

Third, the magical tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone is perfect in every way. It's a game-changer. All you druid-using iPhoneys will eventually come to see this, particularly when Microsoft reclaims the tablet market when it introduces its iPad killer with this fantastic software.

Just you wait. Prosperity is just around the corner. Obviously.

Fantasy Versus Reality

What I wrote:

"Something unusual happened Monday in New York: Microsoft launched a new smartphone platform and no one hated it. And no, I'm not joking"

What they said:

"Windows Phone 7 is the slickest, most impressive version of Windows on a mobile phone that Microsoft has yet produced. But that’s not saying much – and even if the actual quality of the operating system has much to recommend it, it offers little that will revolutionise the very crowded smartphone market."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/microsoft/8056190/Windows-Phone-7-first-review.html

"Best I can tell, there's nothing you can do on Windows Phone 7 devices that you can't do on an iPhone, BlackBerry or Google Android device."

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/wireless/phones/2010-10-12-windowsphonelook12_ST_N.htm

"No caveats now: Windows Phone 7 is a waste of time and money. It’s a platform that no carrier, device maker, developer, or user should bother with. Microsoft should kill it before it ships and admit that it’s out of the mobile game for good...anyone who gets one will prefer a lump of coal. I really mean that."

http://www.infoworld.com/d/mobilize/windows-phone-7-dont-bother-disaster-211

"Windows Phone 7 already has been declared a "disaster" and a "doomed" enterprise with a failed business model. It's a "step back" according to some number of developers and users of the older, and now incompatible, Windows Mobile OS."

http://www.cio.com/article/623227/Microsoft_s_Mobile_Ambitions_Ride_on_New_Windows_Phone_7_Handsets

"But good is not enough. I'm not talking about a couple of missing feature like copy and paste, which the company promises will arrive shortly. Can Microsoft create a platform that stands out enough to compete with Android and Apple? Will it be different enough that consumers are hungry for it? Will it be pervasive enough that developers want to invest limited resources in making apps for it?

If there is a company that has the heft to launch a competitive offering, it's Microsoft. Ballmer has spent a reported $400 million to advertise its new operating system, and he has the necessary partnerships with carriers to be taken seriously. But if that's not enough, the company won't get another "do-over." It might be time for Ballmer to set his sights on an external acquisition like the engineering powerhouse Research in Motion."

http://tech.fortune.cnn.com/2010/10/11/microsoft-windows-phone-7-simply-not-that-different/

No, I'm not joking. I'm just full of shit. Obviously.

My God, MJ...

...will you please STFU?

Mary Jo Foley, I Have Just One Word For You

Traitor.

The Magical Windows Phone Is Perfect

Apple zealots are touting this page, which purports to show that many cell phones have problems with signal coverage, depending on how you hold them.

Guess which company does NOT have a phone on this page?

That's right. Microsoft.

That's because the magical Windows Phone does not and will not have any of these problems (nor will it have cut and paste, multitasking, and a host of other "me too" features that don't matter anyway, because this is a magical device that will make you cry tears of joy when you use it.).

Thanks to John Gruber for sending this on to me. I love you, John. Not as much as my Magical Windows Phone, but almost.

Microsoft Wins Another Major Award

The accolades keep rolling in for Microsoft Windows Vista. This time, cnet puts the Software Giant's newest operating system on another Top Ten List:

Any operating system that provokes a campaign for its predecessor's reintroduction deserves to be classed as terrible technology. Any operating system that quietly has a downgrade-to- previous-edition option introduced for PC makers deserves to be classed as terrible technology. Any operating system that takes six years of development but is instantly hated by hordes of PC professionals and enthusiasts deserves to be classed as terrible technology.

Windows Vista conforms to all of the above. Its incompatibility with hardware, its obsessive requirement of human interaction to clear security dialogue box warnings and its abusive use of hated DRM, not to mention its general pointlessness as an upgrade, are just some examples of why this expensive operating system earns the final place in our terrible tech list.

Any publicity is good publicity, right? If cnet (or any other tech rag besides the fair and balanced "Windows IT Pro") thinks they can stop the Windows juggernaut, they're nuts. Vista is a raging success, sorry. Anyone who says otherwise is just delusional. Obviously.

Ou My God!

Over on The! Supersite! For! Windows!, I wrote the following:

"George Ou casts a light on a dirty little secret for Microsoft: It's* Windows Media DRM platform was open to the world for a whopping three months. I have just have one question here. What took so long?"

Actually, I already know the answer, but my corporate overlords at The! Supersite! For Windows! won't let me blog about it there. But I have no such restrictions here, so I'll tell you the truth now.

The major labels ignored this problem because they hoped Microsoft's service would pick up some steam. Remember that in his ridiculously self-serving "Thoughts on Music" manifesto, Apple Inc. King For Life Steve Jobs intoned:

"...a key provision of our agreements with the music companies is that if our DRM system is compromised and their music becomes playable on unauthorized devices, we have only a small number of weeks to fix the problem or they can withdraw their entire music catalog from our iTunes store."

My sources at Microsoft tell me that the labels weren't too upset about the breaking of Microsoft's DRM because it would probably mean more people would sign up for the subscription service in order to get "oodles" (their exact word) of free music. They intended to use the rising subscription rates as leverage in their ongoing negotiations with Apple.

Microsoft just waited the required "small number of weeks" to post the fix that they obviously had in hand from almost day one. It's not like these guys can't create a patch. They're not incompetent, after all.

But for some reason, word never got out, and the service never really gained any traction.

Still, you at least know the truth. Microsoft wasn't incompetent, they were just playing it smart.

Obviously.


* Yes, I know that there's no apostrophe in a possessive its. I just don't give a fuck. Obviously.

And Still Not As Good As A Wii

Mac rumor sites were all abuzz this week at the possibility of Halo developer Bungie splitting off from Microsoft. Apple fanatics took this as a sign that their precious Macs might actually be suitable one day for gaming.

Seriously. That's how these people think.

Of course, this is ridiculous. The Mac as a gaming platform is about as serious as the Wii as a viable competitor to the xBox. But while Microsoft gamers are enjoying Halo 3, here's something for you MacHeads. This was actually featured on the front page of Macworld News. It's almost enough to make me feel sorry for "Mac Gaming Correspondent" (I actually threw up in my mouth a little when I typed that) Peter Cohen. Almost:

MTV Networks’ Nickelodeon Kids and Family Group and Hasbro on Thursday announced the availability of Monopoly: SpongeBob SquarePants Edition and Candy Land: Dora the Explorer Edition, available as downloads via Nick Arcade, and coming to CD later this month.

Sorry, but that's the true state of Mac gaming. Obviously.

CNET Abandons Common Sense

Seriously, there's just no excuse for garbage reporting like this. CNET hack "Don Reisinger" write an article so full of lies and distortions, it tells me he's either high as a kite, or auditioning for a PR position in the Bush Administration. In an article titled, "Why Microsoft Must Abandon Vista", he calls the latest OS from the software giant "one of the biggest blunders in technology" (apparently he forgot about Windows Mistake Millennium Edition and Microsoft Bob).

Among the highlights:

"With each passing day, it's becoming blatantly clear that Microsoft released Vista too early and the company's continual mistakes and promises that can't be kept are further annoying the Windows faithful."

"The road ahead looks dangerous for Vista and Microsoft must realize that. With Mac OS X hot on its tail, Vista is simply not capable of competing at an OS level with some of the best software around. If Microsoft continues down this path, it will be Vista that will bring the software giant to its knees--not Bill Gates' departure."

"The time is up. Microsoft must abandon Vista and move on. It's the company's only chance at redemption."

I don't even know where to begin.

Here's the bottom line, folks: Microsoft is so dominant, it doesn't matter if Vista is a giant steaming turd (which it's not, obviously). No one's interested in the Mac outside of a few wealthy college kids and style-fanatics. No OS with less than 3 percent market share is going to "bring Microsoft to its knees". And Linux? Phhhht. Don't get me started. Grandma can't even comprehend the "Start" menu, let alone the command line.

Vista sales are fine. Microsoft is doing better than ever. Trust me. This guy is just trolling for (and apparently taking a few) hits. Obviously.

Beam me up to the Enterprise

Good grief. Here's yet another ridiculous article from E-Weak analyzing the recent EU ruling. This time, it focuses on the nonexistent "Enterprise Mac" market:

"The Court's decision against Microsoft, which upheld the Commission's finding that the Redmond, Wash., company abused its monopoly status and prevented full interoperability with other operating systems and mandated that Microsoft disclose information that would allow other server products to achieve feature parity.

" 'Currently, Mac OS X, Linux and Unix servers can access only a subset of the functionality' offered in a homogeneous Windows environment, said Matthew Sparby, a technology consultant in Minneapolis, Minn."

I have news for you, "Matthew Sparby". Currently, there is no Enterprise market for the Mac. Oh, you might find a few Mac servers in public universities or in the hands of some media producers, but that's about it. Windows is just better, sorry. All this talk about the Mac in the Enterprise is about as relevant as Linux on the Desktop.

Laughably, the article goes on to say:

"Neil Ticktin, publisher and editor-in-chief of MacTech magazine, agreed that the European court's ruling has "quite possibly a significant positive impact" for Apple.

"...more people may be forced to look at other options, but more importantly, people may have the opportunity to see the cost savings with Mac OS X Server...Mac OS X Server has nice support for heterogeneous environments, including those typically served by Windows servers. And, since Apple's flat pricing avoids per-seat charges that are common on the Windows side, the cost savings is substantial."

Sorry, but "substantial" my ass. The commodity-level pricing of Windows components, combined with the ease-of-use from the company that brought you Windows Wizards and "Clippy" is just too good to pass up. Don't even get me going on the supposed "benefits" of Linux--another toy hobbyist OS.

Real companies hire real people to work on real servers, sorry. In the real world, that means Windows, not some tinkertoy consumer OS from the company that brought you "Photo Booth" ("say cheese" indeed).

And what is "MacTech" magazine? This whole article is a joke, obviously.

update: MacTech magazine's website says "MacTech is read by technical Macintosh users ... from network administrators to programmers, from solution providers to Enterprise, and in general anyone that's interested in the Macintosh beyond the user level." In other words, about four people. What a joke.

Rumors and Fact

Over on the Nexus, I've accurately reported that Apple will soon offer music from "The Beatles" on its somewhat popular iTunes Music Store in the near future. The tagline for their upcoming special event, "The Beat Goes On", is a clear reference to the "Fab Four":


But now, there's some hand-wringing going on at Mac fanboi sites like this one, and this one, and this one, who claim that there may not be a Beatles-related introduction at Apple's upcoming "special event".

How many times to I have to say this? You can't trust Mac rumor sites, sorry. But you can trust the author of the most popular Windows website in the discovered universe (namely me). The Beatles are coming to iTunes. Obviously.