Thank God That's Over

A lot of you have probably been waiting for me to give you my thoughts in this space on the death of Steve Jobs.

Obviously, Steve Jobs was a creative genius that changed the face of the computer industry forever. Every modern piece of technology you touch has his influence in it, and he will be remembered through the ages.

He was also a selfish spoiled brat that was universally despised as a human being, despite what you may have read in places like this, here, here, here, here, and here.

I never met Steve Jobs, but I hated him anyway. I have no idea how much money he gave to charity*, but I derided him for it anyway. I have used products from his company for years, but I hate them and only write about them because I have to in order to tell you how superior everything that comes from Microsoft is to the crap from Cupertino.

I take no pleasure in his death, but it will certainly make it easier to be critical of Apple without the cult of personality surrounding its former charismatic leader. Maybe if he had bowed to my superior brilliance just once, I wouldn't have such a hard place in my soul for him, but aside from one shining moment when Apple put a quote from me on their website, the company and the man basically ignored me. So screw 'em.

And let's get on to recognizing some true genius, shall we?

I'm So F*&%ing Clever

Remember, kiddies: When you're writing a review of an Apple product, it's important to hit all the right notes if you want to be taken seriously as The Most Important Windows Tech Analyst In The Free Word™:

Ailing Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who is currently on a mysterious medical leave of absence, returned temporarily to kick off the evolutionary product.

...Jobs said, opening the iPad announcement event, after receiving a standing ovation from the Apple-centric press in attendance.

Jobs and his Apple cohorts then went on to step through the expected product news: a thinner, slightly lighter new iPad that Apple claims offers better CPU performance and "nine times" the graphics performance of its predecessor.

Battery life is identical to that of its predecessor, as is pricing, which again ranges from $500 to a whopping $829. There are an incredible 18 different models of iPad 2, which comes in 16GB, 32GB, and 64GB variants, as before, and in models that work with Wi-Fi only, AT&T 3G wireless networks, and Verizon Wireless 3G. Good luck figuring out which one you want.

Basically, what we have here is a decidedly evolutionary update that simply maintains the status quo, technically and from a pricing perspective.

Problematically, the Android competition is just as expensive as the iPad lineup, so Apple obviously feels free to continue gouging consumers <----Note: I know this makes no sense whatsoever, but what the hell. It was fun to write. Never mind that if competitor pricing is at par or higher, Apple can't be "gouging". It sure sounds good. on iPad pricing. Those consumers show no sign of resisting this gouging, either: Apple is forecasted <----Note: not a real word to sell roughly 35 million iPads this year alone.

...if you do want to purchase a tablet device—virtually no one needs such a thing, remember—

Apple says the iPad 2 will begin shipping March 11 in the United States, but customers aren't able to preorder the device: Instead, you'll need to line up like a lemming at an Apple Store that day if you want one immediately. International sales start March 25.

I'll say it again. I am So. F&%#ing. Brilliant.

Gruber Gets One Right. Almost.

So even the overrated t-shirt salesmen got it half-right. When it comes to the operation of the company, Steve Jobs doesn't matter to Apple. But Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs. Trust me, they'll have to prop him up in a lobby display like Jeremy Bentham in order for the place to survive without him.

Stating The Obvious

A few bullet points based on today's news about Steve Jobs and his leave of absence from Apple Inc.:

• Steve Jobs is a marketing genius, but a failure as a human being.
• Steve Jobs has nothing to do with the great products Apple makes, but hawks them well to unsuspecting rubes who fawn at his feet.
• Without the designers at Apple around him, Steve Jobs would be nothing more than a whiny little wannabe artist and college dropout, consigned to the dustbin of history.
• Steve Jobs has lied about his health repeatedly, both to his shareholders and his customers. His illness has clearly kept him from participating in the day-to-day operations of Apple for some time now.
• Steve Jobs contributes very little to the actual design of Apple products, the programming of their software, or the implementation of their marketing plans.

Therefore, Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs.

Obviously.

You Can't Trick Me

So Apple's trying to distract us from the much larger issue of Steve Jobs' health problems by making a big deal out of 500,000 applications downloaded from their so-called "app store".

It's unclear why anyone should get excited about this when faced with the obvious problem of Jobs' rapidly deteriorating health. The liars at Apple are simply trying to distract you all, sorry. After a boring Macworld that didn't introduce anything new (including a shockingly dull presentation by Phil Schiller) and pending lawsuits over the lies regarding their clearly sick CEO's health issues, they have to do something to distract the iCabal-friendly press. Their most rabid fans will eat this right up and you can expect their friends in the media, led by the usual suspects (I'm looking at you Walt Mossberg) to fall right in line.

I've got the feeling you can expect a lot more of this kind of silliness out of Cupertino for the next six months, or until a permanent replacement is named for His Holiness Mr. Jobs.