"Enjoy Your Yugo"

I will be reviewing the fantastic iPad-killing Amazon Kindle Fire (the greatest thing to come out of the tablet universe since Microsoft unleashed the format a decade ago), but needless to say, you know I'm going to say it's awesome, perfect, and will obviously be the final nail in the coffin of Apple.

Even though it's not true.

Look, I'm one of those people that can't admit when I'm wrong. The Fire is a freaking joke, obviously, and everyone that reviews it says so. But not me. You don't come to me for truth, you come to me for anti-Apple rants and shilling for products I like or have some financial attachment to.

Now go buy the damn Fire, and make sure you do it through a link I will helpfully provide that gives me a financial kickback. I have kids to feed.

Obviously.

Thank God That's Over

A lot of you have probably been waiting for me to give you my thoughts in this space on the death of Steve Jobs.

Obviously, Steve Jobs was a creative genius that changed the face of the computer industry forever. Every modern piece of technology you touch has his influence in it, and he will be remembered through the ages.

He was also a selfish spoiled brat that was universally despised as a human being, despite what you may have read in places like this, here, here, here, here, and here.

I never met Steve Jobs, but I hated him anyway. I have no idea how much money he gave to charity*, but I derided him for it anyway. I have used products from his company for years, but I hate them and only write about them because I have to in order to tell you how superior everything that comes from Microsoft is to the crap from Cupertino.

I take no pleasure in his death, but it will certainly make it easier to be critical of Apple without the cult of personality surrounding its former charismatic leader. Maybe if he had bowed to my superior brilliance just once, I wouldn't have such a hard place in my soul for him, but aside from one shining moment when Apple put a quote from me on their website, the company and the man basically ignored me. So screw 'em.

And let's get on to recognizing some true genius, shall we?

I'm So F*&%ing Clever

Remember, kiddies: When you're writing a review of an Apple product, it's important to hit all the right notes if you want to be taken seriously as The Most Important Windows Tech Analyst In The Free Word™:

Ailing Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who is currently on a mysterious medical leave of absence, returned temporarily to kick off the evolutionary product.

...Jobs said, opening the iPad announcement event, after receiving a standing ovation from the Apple-centric press in attendance.

Jobs and his Apple cohorts then went on to step through the expected product news: a thinner, slightly lighter new iPad that Apple claims offers better CPU performance and "nine times" the graphics performance of its predecessor.

Battery life is identical to that of its predecessor, as is pricing, which again ranges from $500 to a whopping $829. There are an incredible 18 different models of iPad 2, which comes in 16GB, 32GB, and 64GB variants, as before, and in models that work with Wi-Fi only, AT&T 3G wireless networks, and Verizon Wireless 3G. Good luck figuring out which one you want.

Basically, what we have here is a decidedly evolutionary update that simply maintains the status quo, technically and from a pricing perspective.

Problematically, the Android competition is just as expensive as the iPad lineup, so Apple obviously feels free to continue gouging consumers <----Note: I know this makes no sense whatsoever, but what the hell. It was fun to write. Never mind that if competitor pricing is at par or higher, Apple can't be "gouging". It sure sounds good. on iPad pricing. Those consumers show no sign of resisting this gouging, either: Apple is forecasted <----Note: not a real word to sell roughly 35 million iPads this year alone.

...if you do want to purchase a tablet device—virtually no one needs such a thing, remember—

Apple says the iPad 2 will begin shipping March 11 in the United States, but customers aren't able to preorder the device: Instead, you'll need to line up like a lemming at an Apple Store that day if you want one immediately. International sales start March 25.

I'll say it again. I am So. F&%#ing. Brilliant.

Thus Spake The God Of All Tech

One year ago:

"Apple ... has unveiled its iPad, an iPod touch like tablet computer that, so far at least, doesn't seem impressive at all."

"It's actually ... can I say this about an Apple product? ... ugly."

"OK, this has to be a joke. He can't really be this excited about this device."

"This stuff is just boring. If Apple wanted this to be a game machine, they should have built hardware controls into that huge bezel."

"I can almost hear Apple's stock price dropping every second this demo goes on."



"Overall, this is a letdown. I'd be surprised to see anyone try to claim otherwise."

You know, for the life of me I can't figure out why anyone would call Paul Thurrott a partisan hack. It's clear that I was 100% right about this silly product. Obviously.

Stating The Obvious

A few bullet points based on today's news about Steve Jobs and his leave of absence from Apple Inc.:

• Steve Jobs is a marketing genius, but a failure as a human being.
• Steve Jobs has nothing to do with the great products Apple makes, but hawks them well to unsuspecting rubes who fawn at his feet.
• Without the designers at Apple around him, Steve Jobs would be nothing more than a whiny little wannabe artist and college dropout, consigned to the dustbin of history.
• Steve Jobs has lied about his health repeatedly, both to his shareholders and his customers. His illness has clearly kept him from participating in the day-to-day operations of Apple for some time now.
• Steve Jobs contributes very little to the actual design of Apple products, the programming of their software, or the implementation of their marketing plans.

Therefore, Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs.

Obviously.

Financial Results That Don't Matter

So I'll have more to say about this over on The Supersite! For! Windows! later, obviously, but let me point out that just because Apple had a profitable quarter, it doesn't mean anything. The rest of the tech blogosphere won't report this, because they're all in Apple's back pocket, but since I'm the only objective journalist in all of technology, I will.

Financial results are only one way to measure a company's success.

It's more important that you have amazing magical products like the upcoming Windows Phone (which is the subject of my next book, which is being finalized as I write this) that bring tears of joy to they eyes of everyone who uses it.

Apple's VistaPhone can't do that. Just remember that when you read how "successful" Apple supposedly is, just because their sales are up and they're raking in billions. It doesn't matter. Obviously.

Oh, oh, oh, it's magic

I've been a way for a while, obviously.

The truth is, I was getting kind of depressed for a while there. Apple's unnecessary and expensive iPhone had been getting a lot of attention, and then there was the whole misleading "Apple overtakes Microsoft in capitalization" issue, which was totally misreported by the clueless bloggers in the tech industry, which get everything wrong anyway. Then Microsoft had a massive layoff, and they killed my beloved Kin.

But now? I'm back. What brought me back?

It was the crocodile tears I shed when I realized that the magical upcoming Windows Phone is going to change the world with its magical integration with the equally magical Windows Live.

Seriously, this is going to change the world. Even more than the Zune, if that's possible. Trust me, you've never seen anything like it. You have to go all the way back to Microsoft Bob to find something this magical and amazing from Microsoft.

In the meantime, the Steve Jobs VistaPhone is finally turning into the disaster I predicted years ago, Apple is under antitrust investigation, and Windows Vista 2.0 7 is setting sales records that would make Michael Jackson blush.

So I'm back. It's a good time to be a Microsoft toadie.

Obviously.

It's fun to watch them squirm

Longtime readers of Paul Thurrott's Various Websites will note that not only am I the only unbiased observer of the Apple universe, I also own and use many Apple products.

Or at least I used to. I haven't been able to find a way to make a penny off Apple. They've shut me out of their campus. The best I can do is hang out at the new Apple store on Boylston street and drool on the Ikea-inspired tables.

So I've had enough.

I've been slowly divesting myself of any Apple products. The iPhone will soon be replaced with a Windows Mobile phone running software version 6.5. My iPod sits in a drawer with my Timex Sinclair 2000 while I use my beautiful brown Zune. My iBook is no match for my beloved Lenovo, my Apple TV goes largely unused since I have much more capable Media Extenders in the house, and I dropped my dot-mac service despite being a longtime user and onetime advocate.

So now the fun begins.

Since I no longer have to maintain the appearance of objectivity, I can now drop the curtain and reveal myself as the Microsoft- and Windows-loving (and I mean loving...next week I'm getting a Windows logo tatooed on my ass) guy I've always been. But not before I have some fun with the iCabal. They make it so easy.

I've been writing positive things about the Microsoft ads for a while now. Over the next couple of weeks, I'll make snide comments about Apple's pricing. I'll point out that their market share is insignificant. I'll do whatever it takes to help poor lowly Microsoft succeed against this brutal enemy. I'll be applying my insightful analysis all across the web, and kicking the living crap out of Apple at the same time.

Nothing gives me more pleasure than watching my credibility go up in direct proportion to the blood pressure of the iCabal when I poke them with a big stick on my various websites. Be sure to follow along, folks. This is going to be a lot of fun. Almost as much fun as running Paul Thurrott's Garage Sale.

Obviously.

Major Recognition

So I'm not one to normally talk about myself. Obviously I won't write about this on Paul Thurrott's Supersite For Windows, but you should all know that I've been recognized with a feature-length article in the well-respected technical Journal "Roughly Drafted". The authors of this prestigious publication finally recognized something I've been saying all along: The lying liars at Apple need to be called what they are: Lying Liars. The liars.

Thurrott isn’t the only one to happen upon this vast conspiracy of liberal media elitism. He was recently delighted to find a similar mindset emanating from Fake Steve Jobs blogger Dan Lyons, the man who for years defended Microsoft and SCO and vilified open source, Linux, and IBM’s support for the otherwise defenseless volunteers who wrote the open code that dared compete against the Redmond monopolist. Lyon’s support for SCO and contempt for Linux was so intense that he found new adoration from the equally phony Rob Enderle.

And finally, I'm recognized for my years of stellar reporting.

Fair and balanced reporting is not the art of making the world appear equal and non-controversial. It is reporting things that are wrong, and reporting things that are right. It is not done by comparing events to a list of ideological concepts to determine which events should be reported and for how long, but rather in presenting all the facts without an agenda.

So it's always good to be mentioned in the same breath as giants such as Lyons and Enderle, but it's more important that the mainstream tech press is finally discussing this, as I have been for years. Welcome to the party, guys. Once again I'm ahead of the curve, obviously.

You Can't Trick Me

So Apple's trying to distract us from the much larger issue of Steve Jobs' health problems by making a big deal out of 500,000 applications downloaded from their so-called "app store".

It's unclear why anyone should get excited about this when faced with the obvious problem of Jobs' rapidly deteriorating health. The liars at Apple are simply trying to distract you all, sorry. After a boring Macworld that didn't introduce anything new (including a shockingly dull presentation by Phil Schiller) and pending lawsuits over the lies regarding their clearly sick CEO's health issues, they have to do something to distract the iCabal-friendly press. Their most rabid fans will eat this right up and you can expect their friends in the media, led by the usual suspects (I'm looking at you Walt Mossberg) to fall right in line.

I've got the feeling you can expect a lot more of this kind of silliness out of Cupertino for the next six months, or until a permanent replacement is named for His Holiness Mr. Jobs.