Why Not Apple

Ever since I made the momentous decision to purge products from Apple, Inc. from my life, I've been asked the simple question, "why"?

The answer is equally simple. David Pogue.

Now I realize that for the uninitiated, that may not make much sense. But let me connect the dots for you.

As you all know, I am the only objective technology writer on the planet. The only one that even comes close to me is Rob Enderle from "The Enderle Group" (where by "group" I mean, "Rob and his wife"). I have spent my life immersed in technology, from the very first gaming system ever invented to the awesome DELL (the finest computer builder in the known universe) that sits on my desk today. I am an expert without peer. Literally. Obviously.

And yet, while I toil away daily shilling for writing about Microsoft and all the amazing, tear-inducing products that come from The Software Giant™, I get no respect from the mainstream press. They routinely ignore me, or worse, vilify me as nothing more than a glorified cheerleader for Microsoft. Believe me, I am anything but a cheerleader for Microsoft. I once criticized them back in 1996 in an article I wrote, saying, "Microsoft may have stumbled here, but they're sure to come roaring back as they always do, vanquishing their opponents and regaining their rightful place on the top of the tech world heap." That's some pretty biting criticism right there. I don't know how anyone can call me a shill.

As The World's Only Objective Technology Writer, my obvious place is in writing for the top newspapers and magazines out there. To showcase my work, I created PAUL THURROTT'S SUPERSITE! FOR! WINDOWS! which demonstrates—daily—my propensity for verbal diarrhea and superlatives directed towards Microsoft and their partners. This stunning work has, unfortunately, gone largely unnoticed by the so-called mainstream press.  Bloggers ignore or deride me. My television appearances are limited to one-minute fluff pieces on the local 6:00 news. Legions of drooling Microsofties criticize me for owning Apple products. And that fucking David Pogue is writing for the New York Times.

For those of you who don't know who David Pogue is, here's a quick bio from his Wikipedia page:

David Welch Pogue (born March 9, 1963) is an American technology writer and TV science host. He is a personal technology columnist for the New York Times, an Emmy-winning tech correspondent for CBS News Sunday Morning, and a columnist for Scientific American. He is also the host of NOVA ScienceNow on PBS and was the host of the NOVA specials Making Stuff in 2011^[1] and Hunting the Elements in 2012.^[2] Pogue has written or co-written seven books in the For Dummies series (including Macintosh computers, magic, opera, and classical music). In 1999, he launched his own series of computer how-to books called the Missing Manual series, which now includes over 100 titles covering a variety of Macintosh and Windowsoperating systems and applications. Among the dozens of books Pogue has authored is The World According to Twitter (2009), written in collaboration with around 500,000 of his Twitter followers.

What this article doesn't mention is that David Pogue is an Apple lackey, pure and simple. He made a name for himself by writing "For Dummies" books about Apple, penning Apple columns, writing other Apple books, speaking at Apple conferences...you get the idea. The guy had his nose so far up Steve Jobs' ass, he couldn't see daylight. It wasn't until he wrote a couple cheesy Microsoft books that he was able to claim he was an "objective journalist" and got the NY Times gig. Now this singing, dancing, magician—basically a one-man walking minstrel show—gets all the attention while I write for "Connected Home" magazine.

My gorilla-sized hands are shaking in anger just thinking about it.

I hate this little sleazeball so much that I've decided to double-down on Microsoft. Yes, this means I give up a lot of ease-of-use and that I'll be even more out of touch than ever with the tech mainstream, but I can't stand to use the same products that this obsequious twit sings about (yes, sings about!) on his web page. The thought of touching a product that David Pogue wrote about makes me want to vomit all over my beautiful Microsoft Natural Ergonomic Keyboard 4000*.

So thus begins the purge (see what I did there? Nice literary transition, right? You don't get that with Pogue) of Apple from my life. No more AppleTV. No more iPad, iMac, iPod, or anything else beginning with "i". In fact, I don't even allow my wife to buy apples when she's shopping for fruit. I'm serious here, folks. Not even applesauce.

One day I will be noticed for my brilliance. And when I am, I promise you I will not sing. I will not perform magic tricks. I will not conduct the Boston Philharmonic. I will simply do what I do best: lie about write about Microsoft and how its magical tear-inducing products are changing our world for the better. It's what I do best.

It may make me less "interesting" in the eyes of the tech press, but everyone's got a schtick. This is mine. I am Paul Thurrott, Microsoft lackey. Obviously.


* See, that's something else Microsoft does right. They really know how to name a product!

Thank God That's Over

A lot of you have probably been waiting for me to give you my thoughts in this space on the death of Steve Jobs.

Obviously, Steve Jobs was a creative genius that changed the face of the computer industry forever. Every modern piece of technology you touch has his influence in it, and he will be remembered through the ages.

He was also a selfish spoiled brat that was universally despised as a human being, despite what you may have read in places like this, here, here, here, here, and here.

I never met Steve Jobs, but I hated him anyway. I have no idea how much money he gave to charity*, but I derided him for it anyway. I have used products from his company for years, but I hate them and only write about them because I have to in order to tell you how superior everything that comes from Microsoft is to the crap from Cupertino.

I take no pleasure in his death, but it will certainly make it easier to be critical of Apple without the cult of personality surrounding its former charismatic leader. Maybe if he had bowed to my superior brilliance just once, I wouldn't have such a hard place in my soul for him, but aside from one shining moment when Apple put a quote from me on their website, the company and the man basically ignored me. So screw 'em.

And let's get on to recognizing some true genius, shall we?

Stating The Obvious

A few bullet points based on today's news about Steve Jobs and his leave of absence from Apple Inc.:

• Steve Jobs is a marketing genius, but a failure as a human being.
• Steve Jobs has nothing to do with the great products Apple makes, but hawks them well to unsuspecting rubes who fawn at his feet.
• Without the designers at Apple around him, Steve Jobs would be nothing more than a whiny little wannabe artist and college dropout, consigned to the dustbin of history.
• Steve Jobs has lied about his health repeatedly, both to his shareholders and his customers. His illness has clearly kept him from participating in the day-to-day operations of Apple for some time now.
• Steve Jobs contributes very little to the actual design of Apple products, the programming of their software, or the implementation of their marketing plans.

Therefore, Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs.

Obviously.

Amazing New App

While the rest of you iDiots and Druids are playing on your silly little so-called "smartphones", I'm going to be drooling over the amazing array of applications available for my magical, special and tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 phone.

Be sure to read my EXCLUSIVE! review here of the latest amazing app available for this all-new platform. It's called "Flowerz". Isn't that clever? The brilliant engineers at Microsoft spelled flowers with a Z. Magical. A sure sign of the wonders yet to come.

Take that, Apple and Google. Nothing you ofer can possibly compare to my magical, special, tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 phone. Obviously.

Financial Results That Don't Matter

So I'll have more to say about this over on The Supersite! For! Windows! later, obviously, but let me point out that just because Apple had a profitable quarter, it doesn't mean anything. The rest of the tech blogosphere won't report this, because they're all in Apple's back pocket, but since I'm the only objective journalist in all of technology, I will.

Financial results are only one way to measure a company's success.

It's more important that you have amazing magical products like the upcoming Windows Phone (which is the subject of my next book, which is being finalized as I write this) that bring tears of joy to they eyes of everyone who uses it.

Apple's VistaPhone can't do that. Just remember that when you read how "successful" Apple supposedly is, just because their sales are up and they're raking in billions. It doesn't matter. Obviously.

Major Recognition

So I'm not one to normally talk about myself. Obviously I won't write about this on Paul Thurrott's Supersite For Windows, but you should all know that I've been recognized with a feature-length article in the well-respected technical Journal "Roughly Drafted". The authors of this prestigious publication finally recognized something I've been saying all along: The lying liars at Apple need to be called what they are: Lying Liars. The liars.

Thurrott isn’t the only one to happen upon this vast conspiracy of liberal media elitism. He was recently delighted to find a similar mindset emanating from Fake Steve Jobs blogger Dan Lyons, the man who for years defended Microsoft and SCO and vilified open source, Linux, and IBM’s support for the otherwise defenseless volunteers who wrote the open code that dared compete against the Redmond monopolist. Lyon’s support for SCO and contempt for Linux was so intense that he found new adoration from the equally phony Rob Enderle.

And finally, I'm recognized for my years of stellar reporting.

Fair and balanced reporting is not the art of making the world appear equal and non-controversial. It is reporting things that are wrong, and reporting things that are right. It is not done by comparing events to a list of ideological concepts to determine which events should be reported and for how long, but rather in presenting all the facts without an agenda.

So it's always good to be mentioned in the same breath as giants such as Lyons and Enderle, but it's more important that the mainstream tech press is finally discussing this, as I have been for years. Welcome to the party, guys. Once again I'm ahead of the curve, obviously.

You Can't Trick Me

So Apple's trying to distract us from the much larger issue of Steve Jobs' health problems by making a big deal out of 500,000 applications downloaded from their so-called "app store".

It's unclear why anyone should get excited about this when faced with the obvious problem of Jobs' rapidly deteriorating health. The liars at Apple are simply trying to distract you all, sorry. After a boring Macworld that didn't introduce anything new (including a shockingly dull presentation by Phil Schiller) and pending lawsuits over the lies regarding their clearly sick CEO's health issues, they have to do something to distract the iCabal-friendly press. Their most rabid fans will eat this right up and you can expect their friends in the media, led by the usual suspects (I'm looking at you Walt Mossberg) to fall right in line.

I've got the feeling you can expect a lot more of this kind of silliness out of Cupertino for the next six months, or until a permanent replacement is named for His Holiness Mr. Jobs.

Rumors In The Cloud

It's been a rough week around here. But now that my Zune is finally up and running and I can listen to VanHalen once more, I'm ready to start thinking about MacWorld again.

Hmmmm.

There. I'm done.

I won't give credence to any of the rumors being passed around the by the iCabal: You know them already: New Mac Mini. An expansion of the failed MobileMe program to include more programs in "the cloud". A new hobbled laptop that doesn't even include 23 different memory card readers like my beloved Lenovo. A netbook. An iPhone nano. Oh, and a pony.

None of this is going to happen, obviously*. Even if it does, it will pale in comparison to anything Microsoft has available, or will have available soon with Windows Vista 2.5 Windows 7.


* You might notice that I've tried to break myself of the habit of using the word "obviously". Obviously** it's not as easy as it looks.

** D'Oh!

I Suck At Math

So I'm lousy at math, but I'm going to run some numbers here. Help me figure out what's wrong.

Over on Paul Thurrott's Supersite Blog on Paul Thurrott's Supersite For Windows, I wrote:

"...there are one billion people using Windows right now, compared to about 25 million on Mac OS X. Do the math."

So I took my own challenge and did the math.

1,000,000,000 Windows users. 88 million copies of Vista shipped (not actually in use, but never mind that). That amounts to 8.8% of Windows users actually using Vista, which first shipped nearly a year ago.

25,000,000 Mac users (again, my numbers). 2 Million copies of Leopard sold in the first 48 hours. That amounts to 8% of Mac users using the newest OS in less than a week.

This can't mean Leopard is more successful than Vista, can it?

No way. That's just not obvious.

Meow

Okay, so the new Mac OS is out today after two years and numerous delays.

As I've noted before, this is clearly an incremental update. There's nothing new or revolutionary here. But then, I've said that about every Mac update, except OS X 10.0, which I think I called a trainwreck. Or something.

Honestly, Apple hasn't done anything that hasn't already been done in Windows, UNIX, or some other OS. Their entire history has been one of small, incremental updates:

System 1.0, Finder 1.0
System 1.1, Finder 1.1g
System 2.0, Finder 4.1
System 2.1, Finder 5.0
System 3.0, Finder 5.1
System 3.2, Finder 5.3
System 3.3, Finder 5.4
System 3.4, Finder 6.1
System 4.0, Finder 5.4
System 4.1, Finder 5.5
System Software 5.0
System Software 5.1
System Software 6.0
System Software 6.0.1
System Software 6.0.2
System Software 6.0.3
System Software 6.0.4
System Software 6.0.5
System Software 6.0.6
System Software 6.0.7
System Software 6.0.8
System Software 6.0.8L
System 7.0
System 7.0.1
System 7 Tuner
System 7.1
System 7.1 Pro
System 7.1.2
System 7.1.2
System 7.5
System 7.5.1
System 7.5.2
System 7.5.3
System 7.5.3 Revision 2
System 7.5.3 Revision 2.1
System 7.5.4
System 7.5.5
Mac OS 7.6
Mac OS 7.6.1
System 7.0.1P
System 7.1P1
System 7.1P2
System 7.1P3
System 7.1P4
System 7.1P5
System 7.1P6
Mac OS 8.0
Mac OS 8.1
Mac OS 8.5
Mac OS 8.5.1
Mac OS 8.6
Mac OS 9.0
Mac OS 9.0.2
Mac OS 9.0.3
Mac OS 9.0.4
Mac OS 9.1
Mac OS 9.2
Mac OS 9.2.1
Mac OS 9.2.2
Mac OS X 10.0 (Cheetah)
Mac OS X 10.1 (Puma)
Mac OS X 10.2 (Jaguar)
Mac OS X 10.3 (Panther)
Mac OS X 10.4 (Tiger)
Mac OS X 10.5 (Leopard)

These were all small, incremental, insignificant evolutionary updates. Which means the Mac hasn't really progressed at all since it was introduced in 1984.

Obviously.

I Fought The Law

So Microsoft, simply because they're Microsoft, has to put up with silly lawsuits from the likes of the European Union. I've been telling you it's only a matter of time until Apple has to face the legal music.

It's already started:

"Suit claims O.J. Simpson is "hitman" for Steve Jobs.

"Filed September 21 in the United States District Court Middle District of Florida, the 3-page handwritten complaint alleges that Simpson has been Jobs’s "hitman" since the "1985 MOVE house bombing in Philadelphia, which Jobs started with borrowed pyrotechnics from Great White.

"As for his other roles in the legal escapade, Jobs is charged with aiming nuclear missiles at Riches' brain and Lance Armstrong's bicycle, as well as price gouging iPhone customers."

Jobs and his minions will get this dismissed, obviously. But mark my words...it's the start of a trend. Frankly, it's about time.

Rotten To The Core

Those of you that love Apple should be concerned. And those of us that love Microsoft should be rejoicing.

I'm not a religious person per se, (although I do worship at the altar of Redmond, and I've been known to participate in the ritualistic chair-throwing ceremony now and then) but even I'm chanting: Verily, yea, these are the endtimes. Witness these stunning developments in the Apple universe over the past few weeks alone:

• Steve Jobs announces a slew of new iPods, but the news is dominated by a consumer-unfriendly price drop of $200 on the still-overpriced and underpowered iPhone. Apple responds by offering a lame in-store credit of $100 to status-seeking suckers who bought the first version.
  
  
• Hackers figure out how to unlock the iPhone, infuriating already-angry AT&T executives, who are already fuming that they weren't informed of the aforementioned price drop until after the fact, and can't understand why the Apple Stores are outselling the AT&T Stores by a 2-to-one margin (hint: Apple stores have cuter bags. Never underestimate the lure of fashion to an Apple zealot).
  
  
• Apple introduces "ringtones" on the somewhat popular iTunes Music store. Not only is this capability immediately hacked, but it also doesn't work.
  
  
• NBC responds to Apple's statement that the Network wanted to charge too much for its TV shows on Apple's somewhate popular iTunes music store by making its shows available on Amazon.com for the same price or less as Apple's store. Your volley, Steve-O?
  
  
• The mainstream tech media echoes what I've been saying for years: Apple is the new Evil Empire. Way to come around, guys. I've been telling you this ever since the introduction of the iPod.

In the meantime, Microsoft is issuing betas of its Windows Live Suite, Windows Home Server is coming along nicely, Windows Media Center Extenders are poised to take over your living room, and the Zune just had a price drop (which Apple copied shamelessly the next day). You'd have to be nuts not to see that this all adds up to a big problem for the iPod Giant.

What started this rash of bad news? Obviously, the 3-head review I gave the iPhone over on The Supersite for Windows (the most popular Windows website in the known universe) created a paradigm shift that finally woke people up to the reality of Apple. And no, I'm not going to bump up my three-head review. I've given Apple enough head. The way they're screwing their customers these days, it's time they gave some back.

edit: Thanks to sharp-eyed reader "anonymous" (that's Greek for "I'm a prick") who pointed out an important spelling error. Note to anonymous--if you like spelling errors, be sure to read my other sites where I never make corrections! It's EXCITING!

The Beat STILL Goes On

I'll have more to say about Apple's announcements (including their ridiculous consumer-unfriendly price drop) later, but let me be perfectly clear about one thing: I was not wrong. The Beatles are coming to iTunes.

Just not today. Obviously.

Rumors and Fact

Over on the Nexus, I've accurately reported that Apple will soon offer music from "The Beatles" on its somewhat popular iTunes Music Store in the near future. The tagline for their upcoming special event, "The Beat Goes On", is a clear reference to the "Fab Four":


But now, there's some hand-wringing going on at Mac fanboi sites like this one, and this one, and this one, who claim that there may not be a Beatles-related introduction at Apple's upcoming "special event".

How many times to I have to say this? You can't trust Mac rumor sites, sorry. But you can trust the author of the most popular Windows website in the discovered universe (namely me). The Beatles are coming to iTunes. Obviously.

Ripoff

Over on the Nexus, I wrote about the ridiculous (and obvious) ripoff of the calculator interface for the overpriced Apple iPhone. I mean, come on:


But it's not the first time.

Remember the "revolutionary" Bondi Blue iMac? A clear ripoff of a classic game:



And the most egregious example--Apple's ripoff of 3M's "Post-it" notes with their lame "stickies" (thanks to John Gruber for pointing this one out):




It's this one, though, that really makes you go wonder what they're drinking in the Cupertino water. Look at Apple's obvious use of Braun-inspired holes:


Folks, this is is pathetic. I mean, come on...if you don't see it, you're just not trying. Obviously.

Funnyman

Longtime reader "anonymous" (is that greek for "Jackass"?) writes that I'm just mean, not funny.

So just for "anonymous", here's something funny.

Happy now?

Hubris

I'm often perceived as a Microsoft toadie or zealot. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The fact is, I like and use Apple products. I've written positive things about the iPod, and the Windows Supersite (the most popular Windows site of its kind in the known universe) is full of great reviews of great Apple products.

It's Steve Jobs I can't stand.

Jobs is the walking embodiment of everything that is both right and wrong with Apple. I'll give him credit where credit's due: He's a great showman, and even something of a visionary, although that vision usually involves taking other people's ideas and making them better.

What gets me about Jobs is that he's a jerk. Stories about Jobs are legendary. From parking in handicapped spots to firing people randomly in elevators, the guy just comes across like a know-it-all prick, sorry.

If you need proof of the hubris of this guy, just take a look at how he pissed people off during the last round of new product introductions. Jobs took the stage to introduce a new iMac and an update to the company's previously excellent iLife software.

Jobs spoke in grand terms about the company's redesign of the iMac, as if it was anything more than a minor update. Never mind that the new glossy screen is a complete disaster for anyone working in a brightly-lit corporate environment. The company doesn't offer you an alternative. Steve knows best.

Then, he demonstrated the new re-write of the company's venerable "iMovie" program, which has raised the ire of Mac fans worldwide by basically eliminating all the advanced functions that were previously available. Even über-zealots like David Pogue are complaining. Loudly.

Next, Jobs fussed that "some people still like to make DVDs". Yes, you heard it right. Steve Jobs thinks DVDs are a dying technology. News flash, Steve: Wal*Mart sells more DVDs in a single day than the sales figures for AppleTV all year. Jobs is so convinced that DVDs are dead that he had his engineers remove the ability to insert chapter stops in iMovie.

Then, he introduced a crappy paper-thin wireless keyboard that eliminates basics like the numeric keypad. What is it with Jobs' obsession with being thin? Will somebody please give this guy a hamburger?

Apple apologists are legion, but luckily, many of the Apple fanatics are starting to see Jobs for what he really is, finally. The fact is, Apple does make some fantastic software and hardware. But everything is subject to the whim of Steve Jobs, so when Apple decides to drop features that people really like (such as matte screens on iMacs, or advanced features in iMovie), there aren't any developers or hardware manufacturers that can help fill that niche. The "Apple Faithful" are basically told, "you'll eat every bean and pea on your plate*. And you'll like it."

That's why the Microsoft ecosystem is just better. Obviously.



* Say it out loud. It sounds funnier than it reads.

Someone Should Put Music to This

I'd edit this to music myself, but my wife didn't bring her Mac Mini to France:

Fake Steve Jobs Outed

So this is interesting, if not particularly newsworthy. At least we know RFSJ wasn't John Dvorak (Andy Ihnatko took himself out of the running a while back). For a while I suspected my good friend Rob Enderle, but then again, he's too busy supervising his massive staff at the Enderle Group to be bothered by that kind of nonsense.

For a while, I was even a suspect. But I'm too busy posting my exhausting exhaustive multi-part review of Apple's overpriced iPhone over at the Windows Supersite (the most popular Windows website on the planet!), not to mention posting brilliant analysis at Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus and WEB EXCLUSIVES! at WinInformant. Plus, I'm in France. Compared to the wonders of Europe, the whole "fake" phenomenon is uninteresting, obviously.

I Love The French

Over on the Nexus website, I wrote about the long, involved and painful process of getting my overpriced Apple iPhone running in France. I love that I'll be able to write this trip off as "research" for my upcoming EXCLUSIVE review of the iPhone.

Anyway, what I didn't tell you in that article is this: the French made a few concessions and adjustments to let me use the iPhone in their country. Since I travel here so often (and they're so happy to have me) they were thrilled to do whatever needed to be done to allow me to continue my research.

I think this was worth it:


Obviously, you can't take the elevator to the top any more, but the view was unimpressive anyway.