App of the Month

Finally, the amazing magical tear-inducing Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone has an application worthy of this all-new game-changing platform.

Finally the "I Am Rich" application is available for the broad range of flawless handsets made by Microsoft partners. It's the perfect Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone application: It does nothing of interest, it's expensive, the graphics are subpar, and no one will buy it.

I'm so happy my overly-large hands are shaking and my eyes are watering. Excuse me, I need to take a moment. This may be a whole chapter in my next book, "Killer Apps For The Magical Tear-Inducing Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone And Other Secrets".

This Is Not Me Quoting Myself

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that someone has kidnapped The World's Only Objective Tech Reporter, my (former?) hero Paul Thurrott. Look at what he has to say in his latest epic post over on The Supersite For Windows:

"By all accounts, in fact, Windows Phone 7 is careening toward inevitable disaster."(editor's note: obviously)

"Indeed, for businesses, Windows Phone is a mixed bag right now."

"It's OK, Microsoft, I can take a hint. You don't want to talk about Windows Phone's problems. Message received." (editor's note: If Microsoft won't even talk to their back-pocket lackey and author of the only Windows Phone 7 Phone book on the market, it must be beyond bad. We're talking about an epic fail.)

"I just wish the company would show some signs of life."

But the kicker is when he compares the beautiful tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone to the last Microsoft disaster (well, not counting Kin):

The last time Microsoft tried this tactic was with Windows Vista

. And we all know how that turned out.

Et tu, Mr. Thurrott? Et tu?

Lies! Lies, I Tell You!

So it's garbage like this that really makes the skin on my overly-large hands crawl:

"The Microsoft Windows Phone 7 has been on sale for close to two weeks and other than first days sales of 40,000 units, we have not heard any other information about the success of the phone. Steve Balmer keeps saying it is off to a great start. Without providing number to back up those claims, one has to wonder whether it is selling even close to the internal predictions they had."

First, as I told you on the SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS!, that "40,000" number is complete bullshit, sorry. Someone pulled a number out of their ass, and the rest of the tech industry, which can't get anything right because Microsoft doesn't feed them press releases they don't do their research, reports it as if it's a fact. It's not.

Second, the author of this "news" story can't even spell "Ballmer" right. It's not "BALMER". It's spelled B-A-L-L-M-E-R. Or, if you need a helpful mnemonic device, "Bad-Ass Lame Loser Monkey-Eating Reject". Obviously. Ballmer isn't releasing numbers because he's a humble guy. Not everyone knows this about him, but it's true. Microsoft has more class than any other company on the planet and they don't want to gloat.

Third, the magical tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone is perfect in every way. It's a game-changer. All you druid-using iPhoneys will eventually come to see this, particularly when Microsoft reclaims the tablet market when it introduces its iPad killer with this fantastic software.

Just you wait. Prosperity is just around the corner. Obviously.

By the numbers

Microsoft Sells 1 Million Kinect Devices in First 10 Days

So it's unclear why this number isn't higher, but it's still fantastic. To put it in perspective, it's about 999,999 more than the number of Windows Phone 7 Phones sold in the same period.

Just To Be Clear...

...this isn't Microsoft's fault either.

Everything Is Someone Else's Fault

So it's unclear why the Tear-Inducing Magical Windows Phone 7 Phone isn't selling particularly well, but then again, I take comfort in knowing it's not Microsoft's fault. Obviously. Mr. Ballmer has been busy planting stories informing journalists about the real reasons:

It's AT&T's Fault

It's the fault of the partners

It's a manufacturing problem

It doesn't matter anyway, because Microsoft is being chased by a bear. Whatever the hell that means.

So rest easy, dear reader. All is well in Microsoft-land, and the Tear-Inducing Magical Windows Phone 7 Phone will be just fine. Obviously.

An Amazing Day

Today is clearly an amazing day as the Magical Tear Inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone goes on sale at AT&T. As you can see, the lines are nothing short of remarkable, obviously. It's unclear why anyone wouldn't trade in their Druid or iPhoney today for the Windows Phone 7 Phone, along with a copy of my latest book, "Paul Thurrott's Windows Phone 7 Secrets by Paul Thurrott".



Look again! See those lines? Amazing!