I Am A Silly Little Twat

...but it doesn't matter, because I'm also the Master of Spin™, and we're not talking about those ridiculous exercise classes.

Over on The SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS, I've put my unique perspective on the failing Microsoft Windows Phone For Windows by spewing out market share numbers thusly:

"Windows Phone now controls between 3 and 4 percent of the market in the United States, Great Britain, France, and Italy, and over 6 percent of the market in Germany. As recently as the first quarter of 2012, worldwide market share for Windows Phone was just about 2 percent, so these are meaningful improvements."

Doesn't that just warm the cockles of your heart? It might mean something if it were true, but as usual I'm just cherry-picking the data I need to prove my own built-in biases and preconceived notions. Anyone with half a brain could peruse the data themselves and discover the truth. But we all know my readers won't do that, obviously, because they're Limbaugh-like mind-numbed robots.

It's good to be me. Obviously.

How to REALLY Fix Microsoft

If you're a regular reader of THE SUPERSITE! FOR WINDOWS! then you'll already have read the multi-page tome "How Microsoft can fix Microsoft." Here are a few ideas that weren't in the article. Microsoft, are you listening?

• Rename Microsoft. Henceforth you shall be called, "The Software Giant," a term I coined in reference to The Software Giant long ago. This not only reflects the nature of the company, but is in homage to me, which is just obvious.
  
  
• Dump the Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone. Seriously. You jumped the shark on that thing when you hard-coded facebook into it. Can you imagine walking around with a device that featured MySpace AND YOU COULDN'T GET RID OF IT? Seriously, Software Giant, WTF were you thinking?
  
  
• All Software Giant Press Releases should be written by Tech Genius and Weight Loss Expert Paul Thurrott. Obviously.
  
  
• Give Steve Ballmer a new title. The original article said to fire him, but in retrospect, that's a bad idea. I've thought long and hard about this, and I now realize that every successful company has its court jester. Ballmer can be to The Software Giant what Steve Wozniak is to Apple...a formerly great employee who pops up now and again to make an amusing comment about the company or the competition, gets some press, and then goes back quietly to his office to play with whatever gadget he bought that week. Ballmer would be perfect for this effort.
  
  
• Buy DELL and sell it for parts. Just because. Those bastard are weighing you down by slapping the Software Giant logo on cheap commodity garbage. You need to put an end to it now.
  
  
• Hire Michael Dell to replace Steve Ballmer. I know this seems to fly in the face of all logic based on my previous recommendation, but hey, I'm a professional critic. I don't get paid to make this work.
  
  
• Develop for Apple products so you can make the best damn software in the world again. Microsoft Word? Originally written for the Mac. Excel? Ditto. PowerPoint? Originally a Mac-only program before y'all bought it and slapped it together with Office. My point here is that all the really good Microsoft stuff was originally coded for Apple (with the exception of Windows, which was a lame attempt to rip off Apple until you came close with XP). Start writing for iOS and MacOS, and see what happens.

So that's it. If you follow my stellar recommendations, The Software Giant can once again regain its crown and be the amazing company it once was. Or you can ignore me and be the Rob Enderle of the tech world...a loser clown that gets it right once every 10 years or so. Your choice.

iPhone on Verizon: A Nation Yawns

So it's unclear as to why this is big news, when the magical tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone is already widely available elsewhere on faster networks. But if Verizon wants to swim in the gutter, I say let them have at it. It won't make one bit of difference to the Windows Phone 7 Phone market share*. Obviously.

*Because it's immeasurably small now, just in case you needed this footnote to clarify the point.

App of the Month

Finally, the amazing magical tear-inducing Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone has an application worthy of this all-new game-changing platform.

Finally the "I Am Rich" application is available for the broad range of flawless handsets made by Microsoft partners. It's the perfect Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone application: It does nothing of interest, it's expensive, the graphics are subpar, and no one will buy it.

I'm so happy my overly-large hands are shaking and my eyes are watering. Excuse me, I need to take a moment. This may be a whole chapter in my next book, "Killer Apps For The Magical Tear-Inducing Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone And Other Secrets".

This Is Not Me Quoting Myself

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that someone has kidnapped The World's Only Objective Tech Reporter, my (former?) hero Paul Thurrott. Look at what he has to say in his latest epic post over on The Supersite For Windows:

"By all accounts, in fact, Windows Phone 7 is careening toward inevitable disaster."(editor's note: obviously)

"Indeed, for businesses, Windows Phone is a mixed bag right now."

"It's OK, Microsoft, I can take a hint. You don't want to talk about Windows Phone's problems. Message received." (editor's note: If Microsoft won't even talk to their back-pocket lackey and author of the only Windows Phone 7 Phone book on the market, it must be beyond bad. We're talking about an epic fail.)

"I just wish the company would show some signs of life."

But the kicker is when he compares the beautiful tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone to the last Microsoft disaster (well, not counting Kin):

The last time Microsoft tried this tactic was with Windows Vista

. And we all know how that turned out.

Et tu, Mr. Thurrott? Et tu?

Lies! Lies, I Tell You!

So it's garbage like this that really makes the skin on my overly-large hands crawl:

"The Microsoft Windows Phone 7 has been on sale for close to two weeks and other than first days sales of 40,000 units, we have not heard any other information about the success of the phone. Steve Balmer keeps saying it is off to a great start. Without providing number to back up those claims, one has to wonder whether it is selling even close to the internal predictions they had."

First, as I told you on the SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS!, that "40,000" number is complete bullshit, sorry. Someone pulled a number out of their ass, and the rest of the tech industry, which can't get anything right because Microsoft doesn't feed them press releases they don't do their research, reports it as if it's a fact. It's not.

Second, the author of this "news" story can't even spell "Ballmer" right. It's not "BALMER". It's spelled B-A-L-L-M-E-R. Or, if you need a helpful mnemonic device, "Bad-Ass Lame Loser Monkey-Eating Reject". Obviously. Ballmer isn't releasing numbers because he's a humble guy. Not everyone knows this about him, but it's true. Microsoft has more class than any other company on the planet and they don't want to gloat.

Third, the magical tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone is perfect in every way. It's a game-changer. All you druid-using iPhoneys will eventually come to see this, particularly when Microsoft reclaims the tablet market when it introduces its iPad killer with this fantastic software.

Just you wait. Prosperity is just around the corner. Obviously.

By the numbers

Microsoft Sells 1 Million Kinect Devices in First 10 Days

So it's unclear why this number isn't higher, but it's still fantastic. To put it in perspective, it's about 999,999 more than the number of Windows Phone 7 Phones sold in the same period.

Just To Be Clear...

...this isn't Microsoft's fault either.

Everything Is Someone Else's Fault

So it's unclear why the Tear-Inducing Magical Windows Phone 7 Phone isn't selling particularly well, but then again, I take comfort in knowing it's not Microsoft's fault. Obviously. Mr. Ballmer has been busy planting stories informing journalists about the real reasons:

It's AT&T's Fault

It's the fault of the partners

It's a manufacturing problem

It doesn't matter anyway, because Microsoft is being chased by a bear. Whatever the hell that means.

So rest easy, dear reader. All is well in Microsoft-land, and the Tear-Inducing Magical Windows Phone 7 Phone will be just fine. Obviously.

An Amazing Day

Today is clearly an amazing day as the Magical Tear Inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone goes on sale at AT&T. As you can see, the lines are nothing short of remarkable, obviously. It's unclear why anyone wouldn't trade in their Druid or iPhoney today for the Windows Phone 7 Phone, along with a copy of my latest book, "Paul Thurrott's Windows Phone 7 Secrets by Paul Thurrott".



Look again! See those lines? Amazing!

Amazing New App

While the rest of you iDiots and Druids are playing on your silly little so-called "smartphones", I'm going to be drooling over the amazing array of applications available for my magical, special and tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 phone.

Be sure to read my EXCLUSIVE! review here of the latest amazing app available for this all-new platform. It's called "Flowerz". Isn't that clever? The brilliant engineers at Microsoft spelled flowers with a Z. Magical. A sure sign of the wonders yet to come.

Take that, Apple and Google. Nothing you ofer can possibly compare to my magical, special, tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 phone. Obviously.