"Enjoy Your Yugo"

I will be reviewing the fantastic iPad-killing Amazon Kindle Fire (the greatest thing to come out of the tablet universe since Microsoft unleashed the format a decade ago), but needless to say, you know I'm going to say it's awesome, perfect, and will obviously be the final nail in the coffin of Apple.

Even though it's not true.

Look, I'm one of those people that can't admit when I'm wrong. The Fire is a freaking joke, obviously, and everyone that reviews it says so. But not me. You don't come to me for truth, you come to me for anti-Apple rants and shilling for products I like or have some financial attachment to.

Now go buy the damn Fire, and make sure you do it through a link I will helpfully provide that gives me a financial kickback. I have kids to feed.

Obviously.

Holy F***ing S***

"So there you have it: I just recommended iPad. Watch out for the flying pigs."

I'm So F*&%ing Clever

Remember, kiddies: When you're writing a review of an Apple product, it's important to hit all the right notes if you want to be taken seriously as The Most Important Windows Tech Analyst In The Free Word™:

Ailing Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who is currently on a mysterious medical leave of absence, returned temporarily to kick off the evolutionary product.

...Jobs said, opening the iPad announcement event, after receiving a standing ovation from the Apple-centric press in attendance.

Jobs and his Apple cohorts then went on to step through the expected product news: a thinner, slightly lighter new iPad that Apple claims offers better CPU performance and "nine times" the graphics performance of its predecessor.

Battery life is identical to that of its predecessor, as is pricing, which again ranges from $500 to a whopping $829. There are an incredible 18 different models of iPad 2, which comes in 16GB, 32GB, and 64GB variants, as before, and in models that work with Wi-Fi only, AT&T 3G wireless networks, and Verizon Wireless 3G. Good luck figuring out which one you want.

Basically, what we have here is a decidedly evolutionary update that simply maintains the status quo, technically and from a pricing perspective.

Problematically, the Android competition is just as expensive as the iPad lineup, so Apple obviously feels free to continue gouging consumers <----Note: I know this makes no sense whatsoever, but what the hell. It was fun to write. Never mind that if competitor pricing is at par or higher, Apple can't be "gouging". It sure sounds good. on iPad pricing. Those consumers show no sign of resisting this gouging, either: Apple is forecasted <----Note: not a real word to sell roughly 35 million iPads this year alone.

...if you do want to purchase a tablet device—virtually no one needs such a thing, remember—

Apple says the iPad 2 will begin shipping March 11 in the United States, but customers aren't able to preorder the device: Instead, you'll need to line up like a lemming at an Apple Store that day if you want one immediately. International sales start March 25.

I'll say it again. I am So. F&%#ing. Brilliant.

Thus Spake The God Of All Tech

One year ago:

"Apple ... has unveiled its iPad, an iPod touch like tablet computer that, so far at least, doesn't seem impressive at all."

"It's actually ... can I say this about an Apple product? ... ugly."

"OK, this has to be a joke. He can't really be this excited about this device."

"This stuff is just boring. If Apple wanted this to be a game machine, they should have built hardware controls into that huge bezel."

"I can almost hear Apple's stock price dropping every second this demo goes on."



"Overall, this is a letdown. I'd be surprised to see anyone try to claim otherwise."

You know, for the life of me I can't figure out why anyone would call Paul Thurrott a partisan hack. It's clear that I was 100% right about this silly product. Obviously.

Being a Dickhead: Then and Now

What I said then:

"While the Apple-loving press holds its collective breath for what is expected to be an early 2010 announcement of an iPod touch-based tablet computer, the real deal is coming from a company with almost of a decade of tablet PC experience. Microsoft is now in the final stages of developing a book-like tablet device (code-named Courier) that completely rethinks the concept of personal computing."

What I say now:

"I was amused to see the headline 'Apple Takes 95% of Tablet Market,' since another way to say that is, 'Apple Takes 95% of iPad Market,' as there are no other products actually competing in the tablet market. ... I have to wonder. When Apple has a market all to themselves and somehow instantly cedes 5 percent of that market, why is that less newsworthy than Apple being unable to crack 5 percent of the worldwide PC market after over 12 years of steady gains?"

Or better yet, why has Microsoft given up 95% of a market it had all to itself until about seven months ago? It doesn't matter, obviously. The iPad isn't a "real" table, it's an overpriced toy. In that segment, Apple owns everything.

My God, MJ...

...will you please STFU?