Broken Watch

Every now and again, I get a column exactly right.

This is one of those times.

Even a broken watch is right once a day.

This Doesn't Apply To Me Either

Because, you know, I have huge gorilla-like hands. And we all know what that translates to. Here's the skinny (That's a diet joke. Get it?) from some rag named "Geek Wire".

"A techno-dance routine that preceded Microsoft’s Windows Azure presentation at the Norwegian Developers Conference this week featured a group of women jumping around on stage to a song that included several drug references and this line: “The words MICRO and SOFT don’t apply to my penis.” 

In a strange effort to be inclusive, a monitor displaying the lyrics added, “or vagina.”

It's good to see Microsoft's partners being so inclusive, isn't it?

Just in case you were wondering...

...this, boys and girls, is what real analysis looks like. You won't hear this from me (obviously, because I have a vested interest in Windows 8 succeeding), but if you want truth, here are a few nuggets you won't read over on Paul Thurrott's SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS by Paul Thurrott, courtesy of some hack named "Michael Mace" (who obviously doesn't write for the prestigious "Connected Home" magazine, so therefore he's irrelevant):

Windows 8 in its current form is very different; attractive in some ways, and disturbing in others.  It combines an interesting new interface with baffling changes to Windows compatibility, and amateur mistakes in customer messaging.  Add up all the changes, and I am very worried that Microsoft may be about to shoot itself in the foot spectacularly.  Even the plain colorful graphics in Windows 8 that looked so cool when I first saw them are starting to look ominous to me, like the hotel decor in "The Shining".

...shutdown requires five actions: a hover, a sweep, and three clicks.  Plus the command is hidden in a very non-intuitive place.  People used to joke that only Microsoft could think it was intuitive to have the Shut Down command hidden under the Start button.  I think it's sooooo much more intuitive to have it hidden under Settings 

If you're not a Windows user, it is hard to describe how disorienting this is.  It's roughly equivalent to giving someone a car in which the steering wheel has been replaced by a joystick.  Not only do you need to learn how to steer with a joystick, but all of the controls formerly attached to the steering column are now scattered in various spots on the dashboard.  The wiper control is a lever above the radio, the high beam lights are a switch on the rearview mirror, the turn signal is a set of buttons under the speedometer, and the cruise control is a dial hidden inside the ashtray.  Oh, and you honk the horn by bouncing up and down in your seat. 

Unfortunately, although Windows 8 may have a light hardware footprint, it has compatibility problems with some existing hardware, including some Windows 7 computers.  Computers designed for Vista can have much more serious problems.  This became very clear to me when I installed Windows 8 on my Vista-based mini tablet PC.  Windows 8 is not compatible with the wireless network chips in my tablet PC, so it can no longer connect to the Internet.  

If you're a productivity worker, Windows 8 does very little for you, and in fact probably makes your life harder.   

It goes on, and on, and on (this guy has diarrhea of the keyboard worse than even me), but you get the idea. We're looking at a forthcoming disaster folks, and no amount of cheerleading on my part is going to make it better. But I'm doing my damndest despite that. Obviously.

The Difference Between an Expert and a Hack

Experts write books.

Hacks sell T-shirts.

Any questions?

I Am A Silly Little Twat

...but it doesn't matter, because I'm also the Master of Spin™, and we're not talking about those ridiculous exercise classes.

Over on The SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS, I've put my unique perspective on the failing Microsoft Windows Phone For Windows by spewing out market share numbers thusly:

"Windows Phone now controls between 3 and 4 percent of the market in the United States, Great Britain, France, and Italy, and over 6 percent of the market in Germany. As recently as the first quarter of 2012, worldwide market share for Windows Phone was just about 2 percent, so these are meaningful improvements."

Doesn't that just warm the cockles of your heart? It might mean something if it were true, but as usual I'm just cherry-picking the data I need to prove my own built-in biases and preconceived notions. Anyone with half a brain could peruse the data themselves and discover the truth. But we all know my readers won't do that, obviously, because they're Limbaugh-like mind-numbed robots.

It's good to be me. Obviously.

See?

I told you so.

I'm the only reviewer that calls this thing "responsive". I'll leave you to decide if that makes me a shill, or whether I'm the Rush Limbaugh of the tech world—always right, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. One or the other. Obviously.

"Enjoy Your Yugo"

I will be reviewing the fantastic iPad-killing Amazon Kindle Fire (the greatest thing to come out of the tablet universe since Microsoft unleashed the format a decade ago), but needless to say, you know I'm going to say it's awesome, perfect, and will obviously be the final nail in the coffin of Apple.

Even though it's not true.

Look, I'm one of those people that can't admit when I'm wrong. The Fire is a freaking joke, obviously, and everyone that reviews it says so. But not me. You don't come to me for truth, you come to me for anti-Apple rants and shilling for products I like or have some financial attachment to.

Now go buy the damn Fire, and make sure you do it through a link I will helpfully provide that gives me a financial kickback. I have kids to feed.

Obviously.