Why Not Apple

Ever since I made the momentous decision to purge products from Apple, Inc. from my life, I've been asked the simple question, "why"?

The answer is equally simple. David Pogue.

Now I realize that for the uninitiated, that may not make much sense. But let me connect the dots for you.

As you all know, I am the only objective technology writer on the planet. The only one that even comes close to me is Rob Enderle from "The Enderle Group" (where by "group" I mean, "Rob and his wife"). I have spent my life immersed in technology, from the very first gaming system ever invented to the awesome DELL (the finest computer builder in the known universe) that sits on my desk today. I am an expert without peer. Literally. Obviously.

And yet, while I toil away daily shilling for writing about Microsoft and all the amazing, tear-inducing products that come from The Software Giant™, I get no respect from the mainstream press. They routinely ignore me, or worse, vilify me as nothing more than a glorified cheerleader for Microsoft. Believe me, I am anything but a cheerleader for Microsoft. I once criticized them back in 1996 in an article I wrote, saying, "Microsoft may have stumbled here, but they're sure to come roaring back as they always do, vanquishing their opponents and regaining their rightful place on the top of the tech world heap." That's some pretty biting criticism right there. I don't know how anyone can call me a shill.

As The World's Only Objective Technology Writer, my obvious place is in writing for the top newspapers and magazines out there. To showcase my work, I created PAUL THURROTT'S SUPERSITE! FOR! WINDOWS! which demonstrates—daily—my propensity for verbal diarrhea and superlatives directed towards Microsoft and their partners. This stunning work has, unfortunately, gone largely unnoticed by the so-called mainstream press.  Bloggers ignore or deride me. My television appearances are limited to one-minute fluff pieces on the local 6:00 news. Legions of drooling Microsofties criticize me for owning Apple products. And that fucking David Pogue is writing for the New York Times.

For those of you who don't know who David Pogue is, here's a quick bio from his Wikipedia page:

David Welch Pogue (born March 9, 1963) is an American technology writer and TV science host. He is a personal technology columnist for the New York Times, an Emmy-winning tech correspondent for CBS News Sunday Morning, and a columnist for Scientific American. He is also the host of NOVA ScienceNow on PBS and was the host of the NOVA specials Making Stuff in 2011^[1] and Hunting the Elements in 2012.^[2] Pogue has written or co-written seven books in the For Dummies series (including Macintosh computers, magic, opera, and classical music). In 1999, he launched his own series of computer how-to books called the Missing Manual series, which now includes over 100 titles covering a variety of Macintosh and Windowsoperating systems and applications. Among the dozens of books Pogue has authored is The World According to Twitter (2009), written in collaboration with around 500,000 of his Twitter followers.

What this article doesn't mention is that David Pogue is an Apple lackey, pure and simple. He made a name for himself by writing "For Dummies" books about Apple, penning Apple columns, writing other Apple books, speaking at Apple conferences...you get the idea. The guy had his nose so far up Steve Jobs' ass, he couldn't see daylight. It wasn't until he wrote a couple cheesy Microsoft books that he was able to claim he was an "objective journalist" and got the NY Times gig. Now this singing, dancing, magician—basically a one-man walking minstrel show—gets all the attention while I write for "Connected Home" magazine.

My gorilla-sized hands are shaking in anger just thinking about it.

I hate this little sleazeball so much that I've decided to double-down on Microsoft. Yes, this means I give up a lot of ease-of-use and that I'll be even more out of touch than ever with the tech mainstream, but I can't stand to use the same products that this obsequious twit sings about (yes, sings about!) on his web page. The thought of touching a product that David Pogue wrote about makes me want to vomit all over my beautiful Microsoft Natural Ergonomic Keyboard 4000*.

So thus begins the purge (see what I did there? Nice literary transition, right? You don't get that with Pogue) of Apple from my life. No more AppleTV. No more iPad, iMac, iPod, or anything else beginning with "i". In fact, I don't even allow my wife to buy apples when she's shopping for fruit. I'm serious here, folks. Not even applesauce.

One day I will be noticed for my brilliance. And when I am, I promise you I will not sing. I will not perform magic tricks. I will not conduct the Boston Philharmonic. I will simply do what I do best: lie about write about Microsoft and how its magical tear-inducing products are changing our world for the better. It's what I do best.

It may make me less "interesting" in the eyes of the tech press, but everyone's got a schtick. This is mine. I am Paul Thurrott, Microsoft lackey. Obviously.


* See, that's something else Microsoft does right. They really know how to name a product!

Stating The Obvious

A few bullet points based on today's news about Steve Jobs and his leave of absence from Apple Inc.:

• Steve Jobs is a marketing genius, but a failure as a human being.
• Steve Jobs has nothing to do with the great products Apple makes, but hawks them well to unsuspecting rubes who fawn at his feet.
• Without the designers at Apple around him, Steve Jobs would be nothing more than a whiny little wannabe artist and college dropout, consigned to the dustbin of history.
• Steve Jobs has lied about his health repeatedly, both to his shareholders and his customers. His illness has clearly kept him from participating in the day-to-day operations of Apple for some time now.
• Steve Jobs contributes very little to the actual design of Apple products, the programming of their software, or the implementation of their marketing plans.

Therefore, Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs.

Obviously.

Opinion: Microsoft Needs To Grow A Set

It's not often that I criticize my cash cow Microsoft, but the time has come to call these people out for what they are: a bunch of sniveling pussies.

This week brings the news of a Microsoft defeat in the European Union. The mother-freakin' EU! Folks, I know these people. Have I mentioned that I've been to Europe? Believe me, the wine over there ain't all on the vines. Aside from an astonishing lack of personal hygiene, a lackadaisical approach to, you know, work, and a tendency to blame everything that's wrong in the world on the United States, most of these people run to Mommy Government whenever they perceive they've been slighted.

Normally, I don't have a problem with that. But these crybabies are upset that Microsoft includes (*gasp!*) a MEDIA PLAYER with Windows.

Cry me a river, Eurotrash.

Don't get me wrong. I love Europe. I think France represents the pinnacle of civilization. Any country that doesn't have NASCAR is A-OK with me. But what makes Microsoft great is pure, unadulterated, unfettered capitalism. Well, that and the ability to abuse its monopoly power to run roughshod over the competition.

But enter the EU (apparently through Microsoft's "back door", if you get my drift). These wusses try to tell one of the most successful companies in history how to do business in their pathetic collection of rag-tag has-been states...and MICROSOFT LETS THEM GET AWAY WITH IT!

Look at this tepid response to losing this lawsuit from the software giant: "We want to move forward, in compliance with the 2004 decision."

Oh, I can see all of Europe shaking in their collective shoes. But wait, there's more!

"We have conveyed our willingness to license those technologies. As a matter of business policy and approach to the industry, we are prepared to license to others in our industry, on reasonable and nondiscriminatory terms, the technologies that are important to interoperability,"

Like I said: Pussies.

You want to know why Microsoft stock has been so stagnant for the past half-decade or so? It's because of jackasses like these clowns in the EU that want to stifle good old American-style free enterprise. It works on this side of the pond, and it'll work there too.

It's time to grow a set, Microsoft. Obviously.

On Comments

You'll notice that I allow comments on this blog, wheras on other Paul Thurrott-branded sites, comments are not allowed (Paul Thurrott's WinInfo is an exception, but I don't call the shots there. Obviously.).

There are a few good reasons for this. First, hardly anyone reads this blog, so it doesn't matter much here. I'll re-evaluate the comment policy if it gets popular. Second, I don't need comments from rabid Mac Zealots clogging up my bandwidth. Since I don't pay for hosting this blog (thank you, Google), again, it doesn't matter.

But the best justification for not allowing comments comes from, of all places, long-winded T-Shirt salesman John Gruber, who said in a recent interview:

"I wanted to write a site for someone it’s meant for. That reader I write for is a second version of me. I’m writing for him. He’s interested in the exact same things I’m interested in; he reads the exact same websites I read. I want him to like this website so much that he reads it from the top to the bottom, and he reads everything. Every single word. The copyright statement, what software I use, he’s read it all.

"If I turn comments on, that goes away. It’s not that I don’t like sites with comments on, but when you read a site with comments it automatically puts you, the reader, in a defensive mode where you’re saying, “what’s good in this comment thread? What can I skim?”

"It’s totally egotistical. I want Daring Fireball to be a site that you can’t skim if you’re in the target audience for it. You say, “Oh, a new article from John. I need to read it,” and your deadlines go whizzing by because you have to read what I wrote."

Translation: I'm brilliant, you're not, I don't need you.

I never thought I'd find myself agreeing with Gruber, but there you have it. Even a broken clock is right at least once a day.

What's In A Name

Over on the excellent "Paul Thurrott's Internet Nexus" website, I wrote: "I'm adult enough to be frisky without having to call anyone a jackass."

Actually that's not true. Dave Winer is a Jackass, as I have repeatedly pointed out. I only wrote what I did because I was poking at t-shirt salesman John Gruber.

Anyway. I got thinking about this when I read a New York Magazine article about Steve Jobs that stated, "Yet the most common descriptor applied to him, by friends and foes and even Jobs himself, is 'asshole.' "

That got me thinking. I wonder what people say about me? So here are the results:

Paul Thurrott Asshole: 13,300 results
Paul Thurrott Jackass: 580 results
Paul Thurrott Asshat: 154 results

Clearly I'm not in Steve Jobs' league. Yet. But I'm still slightly ahead of that do-gooder Mary Jo Foley and my good friend Rob Enderle, who come in at 11,400 and 988, respectively.

Take that!