Gruber Gets One Right. Almost.

So even the overrated t-shirt salesmen got it half-right. When it comes to the operation of the company, Steve Jobs doesn't matter to Apple. But Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs. Trust me, they'll have to prop him up in a lobby display like Jeremy Bentham in order for the place to survive without him.

Stating The Obvious

A few bullet points based on today's news about Steve Jobs and his leave of absence from Apple Inc.:

• Steve Jobs is a marketing genius, but a failure as a human being.
• Steve Jobs has nothing to do with the great products Apple makes, but hawks them well to unsuspecting rubes who fawn at his feet.
• Without the designers at Apple around him, Steve Jobs would be nothing more than a whiny little wannabe artist and college dropout, consigned to the dustbin of history.
• Steve Jobs has lied about his health repeatedly, both to his shareholders and his customers. His illness has clearly kept him from participating in the day-to-day operations of Apple for some time now.
• Steve Jobs contributes very little to the actual design of Apple products, the programming of their software, or the implementation of their marketing plans.

Therefore, Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs.

Obviously.

iPhone on Verizon: A Nation Yawns

So it's unclear as to why this is big news, when the magical tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone is already widely available elsewhere on faster networks. But if Verizon wants to swim in the gutter, I say let them have at it. It won't make one bit of difference to the Windows Phone 7 Phone market share*. Obviously.

*Because it's immeasurably small now, just in case you needed this footnote to clarify the point.

Sign of the Apocalypse

That little pussy David Pogue now has his own TV show called "Making Stuff: Stronger".

He probably got the idea from lifting his heavy, overpriced, expensive toy, the iPad.

What is this world coming to?

In a related story, I'm going to be interviewed by the Eyewitness News Team sometime in the near future regarding my opinions on the greatness of the Amazon Kindle, which is the greatest product ever invented except for Windows. Obviously. Oh, and the nook is a joke.

Stay tuned.

App of the Month

Finally, the amazing magical tear-inducing Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone has an application worthy of this all-new game-changing platform.

Finally the "I Am Rich" application is available for the broad range of flawless handsets made by Microsoft partners. It's the perfect Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone application: It does nothing of interest, it's expensive, the graphics are subpar, and no one will buy it.

I'm so happy my overly-large hands are shaking and my eyes are watering. Excuse me, I need to take a moment. This may be a whole chapter in my next book, "Killer Apps For The Magical Tear-Inducing Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone And Other Secrets".

This Is Not Me Quoting Myself

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that someone has kidnapped The World's Only Objective Tech Reporter, my (former?) hero Paul Thurrott. Look at what he has to say in his latest epic post over on The Supersite For Windows:

"By all accounts, in fact, Windows Phone 7 is careening toward inevitable disaster."(editor's note: obviously)

"Indeed, for businesses, Windows Phone is a mixed bag right now."

"It's OK, Microsoft, I can take a hint. You don't want to talk about Windows Phone's problems. Message received." (editor's note: If Microsoft won't even talk to their back-pocket lackey and author of the only Windows Phone 7 Phone book on the market, it must be beyond bad. We're talking about an epic fail.)

"I just wish the company would show some signs of life."

But the kicker is when he compares the beautiful tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone to the last Microsoft disaster (well, not counting Kin):

The last time Microsoft tried this tactic was with Windows Vista

. And we all know how that turned out.

Et tu, Mr. Thurrott? Et tu?

Lies! Lies, I Tell You!

So it's garbage like this that really makes the skin on my overly-large hands crawl:

"The Microsoft Windows Phone 7 has been on sale for close to two weeks and other than first days sales of 40,000 units, we have not heard any other information about the success of the phone. Steve Balmer keeps saying it is off to a great start. Without providing number to back up those claims, one has to wonder whether it is selling even close to the internal predictions they had."

First, as I told you on the SUPERSITE FOR WINDOWS!, that "40,000" number is complete bullshit, sorry. Someone pulled a number out of their ass, and the rest of the tech industry, which can't get anything right because Microsoft doesn't feed them press releases they don't do their research, reports it as if it's a fact. It's not.

Second, the author of this "news" story can't even spell "Ballmer" right. It's not "BALMER". It's spelled B-A-L-L-M-E-R. Or, if you need a helpful mnemonic device, "Bad-Ass Lame Loser Monkey-Eating Reject". Obviously. Ballmer isn't releasing numbers because he's a humble guy. Not everyone knows this about him, but it's true. Microsoft has more class than any other company on the planet and they don't want to gloat.

Third, the magical tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone is perfect in every way. It's a game-changer. All you druid-using iPhoneys will eventually come to see this, particularly when Microsoft reclaims the tablet market when it introduces its iPad killer with this fantastic software.

Just you wait. Prosperity is just around the corner. Obviously.