See?

I told you so.

I'm the only reviewer that calls this thing "responsive". I'll leave you to decide if that makes me a shill, or whether I'm the Rush Limbaugh of the tech world—always right, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. One or the other. Obviously.

"Enjoy Your Yugo"

I will be reviewing the fantastic iPad-killing Amazon Kindle Fire (the greatest thing to come out of the tablet universe since Microsoft unleashed the format a decade ago), but needless to say, you know I'm going to say it's awesome, perfect, and will obviously be the final nail in the coffin of Apple.

Even though it's not true.

Look, I'm one of those people that can't admit when I'm wrong. The Fire is a freaking joke, obviously, and everyone that reviews it says so. But not me. You don't come to me for truth, you come to me for anti-Apple rants and shilling for products I like or have some financial attachment to.

Now go buy the damn Fire, and make sure you do it through a link I will helpfully provide that gives me a financial kickback. I have kids to feed.

Obviously.

Thank God That's Over

A lot of you have probably been waiting for me to give you my thoughts in this space on the death of Steve Jobs.

Obviously, Steve Jobs was a creative genius that changed the face of the computer industry forever. Every modern piece of technology you touch has his influence in it, and he will be remembered through the ages.

He was also a selfish spoiled brat that was universally despised as a human being, despite what you may have read in places like this, here, here, here, here, and here.

I never met Steve Jobs, but I hated him anyway. I have no idea how much money he gave to charity*, but I derided him for it anyway. I have used products from his company for years, but I hate them and only write about them because I have to in order to tell you how superior everything that comes from Microsoft is to the crap from Cupertino.

I take no pleasure in his death, but it will certainly make it easier to be critical of Apple without the cult of personality surrounding its former charismatic leader. Maybe if he had bowed to my superior brilliance just once, I wouldn't have such a hard place in my soul for him, but aside from one shining moment when Apple put a quote from me on their website, the company and the man basically ignored me. So screw 'em.

And let's get on to recognizing some true genius, shall we?

How to REALLY Fix Microsoft

If you're a regular reader of THE SUPERSITE! FOR WINDOWS! then you'll already have read the multi-page tome "How Microsoft can fix Microsoft." Here are a few ideas that weren't in the article. Microsoft, are you listening?

• Rename Microsoft. Henceforth you shall be called, "The Software Giant," a term I coined in reference to The Software Giant long ago. This not only reflects the nature of the company, but is in homage to me, which is just obvious.
  
  
• Dump the Microsoft Windows Phone 7 Phone. Seriously. You jumped the shark on that thing when you hard-coded facebook into it. Can you imagine walking around with a device that featured MySpace AND YOU COULDN'T GET RID OF IT? Seriously, Software Giant, WTF were you thinking?
  
  
• All Software Giant Press Releases should be written by Tech Genius and Weight Loss Expert Paul Thurrott. Obviously.
  
  
• Give Steve Ballmer a new title. The original article said to fire him, but in retrospect, that's a bad idea. I've thought long and hard about this, and I now realize that every successful company has its court jester. Ballmer can be to The Software Giant what Steve Wozniak is to Apple...a formerly great employee who pops up now and again to make an amusing comment about the company or the competition, gets some press, and then goes back quietly to his office to play with whatever gadget he bought that week. Ballmer would be perfect for this effort.
  
  
• Buy DELL and sell it for parts. Just because. Those bastard are weighing you down by slapping the Software Giant logo on cheap commodity garbage. You need to put an end to it now.
  
  
• Hire Michael Dell to replace Steve Ballmer. I know this seems to fly in the face of all logic based on my previous recommendation, but hey, I'm a professional critic. I don't get paid to make this work.
  
  
• Develop for Apple products so you can make the best damn software in the world again. Microsoft Word? Originally written for the Mac. Excel? Ditto. PowerPoint? Originally a Mac-only program before y'all bought it and slapped it together with Office. My point here is that all the really good Microsoft stuff was originally coded for Apple (with the exception of Windows, which was a lame attempt to rip off Apple until you came close with XP). Start writing for iOS and MacOS, and see what happens.

So that's it. If you follow my stellar recommendations, The Software Giant can once again regain its crown and be the amazing company it once was. Or you can ignore me and be the Rob Enderle of the tech world...a loser clown that gets it right once every 10 years or so. Your choice.

Success

Despite what you might read elsewhere, Apple's retail stores have been an unqualified success, and were (quite literally) from day one.

I just can't admit that anywhere else. Obviously.

After all, I have a reputation* to uphold.



*As a jackass, obviously.

Support Your Local Pundit

You can have it in any color you like, as long as it's a shade of black.

(No, I haven't gone soft, but Gruber said something nice about me a while back, so I'm helping him out. Don't get used to it, because he's still a jackass.)

Holy F***ing S***

"So there you have it: I just recommended iPad. Watch out for the flying pigs."

I'm So F*&%ing Clever

Remember, kiddies: When you're writing a review of an Apple product, it's important to hit all the right notes if you want to be taken seriously as The Most Important Windows Tech Analyst In The Free Word™:

Ailing Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who is currently on a mysterious medical leave of absence, returned temporarily to kick off the evolutionary product.

...Jobs said, opening the iPad announcement event, after receiving a standing ovation from the Apple-centric press in attendance.

Jobs and his Apple cohorts then went on to step through the expected product news: a thinner, slightly lighter new iPad that Apple claims offers better CPU performance and "nine times" the graphics performance of its predecessor.

Battery life is identical to that of its predecessor, as is pricing, which again ranges from $500 to a whopping $829. There are an incredible 18 different models of iPad 2, which comes in 16GB, 32GB, and 64GB variants, as before, and in models that work with Wi-Fi only, AT&T 3G wireless networks, and Verizon Wireless 3G. Good luck figuring out which one you want.

Basically, what we have here is a decidedly evolutionary update that simply maintains the status quo, technically and from a pricing perspective.

Problematically, the Android competition is just as expensive as the iPad lineup, so Apple obviously feels free to continue gouging consumers <----Note: I know this makes no sense whatsoever, but what the hell. It was fun to write. Never mind that if competitor pricing is at par or higher, Apple can't be "gouging". It sure sounds good. on iPad pricing. Those consumers show no sign of resisting this gouging, either: Apple is forecasted <----Note: not a real word to sell roughly 35 million iPads this year alone.

...if you do want to purchase a tablet device—virtually no one needs such a thing, remember—

Apple says the iPad 2 will begin shipping March 11 in the United States, but customers aren't able to preorder the device: Instead, you'll need to line up like a lemming at an Apple Store that day if you want one immediately. International sales start March 25.

I'll say it again. I am So. F&%#ing. Brilliant.

That Fracking Weasel

God, I hate David Pogue.

My obsession with him is almost as bad as my Steve Jobs obsession. What is it about Apple that draws such obnoxious, obsequious little twerps into its orbit? Seriously, I've spilled more ink over Pogue than any other columnist, and it infuriates me that he not only has his own column, but his own TV show, regularly appears on CNBC, has authored a series of books for both the Mac and Windows platforms that probably far outsell my own superior efforts, a blog, and God knows what else.

And he doesn't know a damn thing about tech. I'm the only one that does. Well, me and Rob Enderle. And sometimes Mary Jo Foley (who still rebuffs my drunken advances). I've been screaming this from the rooftops for years, and no one will listen. It sickens me. My overly-large gorilla hands are shaking as I write this, that's how angry I am.

It's a messed up world. Maybe once I lose all the weight I'm going to lose this year on my new diet that consists of fatty foods and not exercising, I'll be able to compete with this jerk.

Oh, and John Gruber doesn't know a damn thing, either, especially when it comes to the iPhone. Obviously.

I Am A Diet Expert

Trust me:

"If eating less made you lose weight, we wouldn't be fat."

"Fitness is good but it will not help you lose weight."

That's how you do it. Eat more bacon. You can trust me on this just like you can trust me on everything else I've ever said, particularly when I predicted the demise of iTunes, the iPhone, and the iPad. Obviously. No one could say it better: "You're welcome to your beliefs, but you're wrong."

Thus Spake The God Of All Tech

One year ago:

"Apple ... has unveiled its iPad, an iPod touch like tablet computer that, so far at least, doesn't seem impressive at all."

"It's actually ... can I say this about an Apple product? ... ugly."

"OK, this has to be a joke. He can't really be this excited about this device."

"This stuff is just boring. If Apple wanted this to be a game machine, they should have built hardware controls into that huge bezel."

"I can almost hear Apple's stock price dropping every second this demo goes on."



"Overall, this is a letdown. I'd be surprised to see anyone try to claim otherwise."

You know, for the life of me I can't figure out why anyone would call Paul Thurrott a partisan hack. It's clear that I was 100% right about this silly product. Obviously.

Gruber Gets One Right. Almost.

So even the overrated t-shirt salesmen got it half-right. When it comes to the operation of the company, Steve Jobs doesn't matter to Apple. But Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs. Trust me, they'll have to prop him up in a lobby display like Jeremy Bentham in order for the place to survive without him.

Stating The Obvious

A few bullet points based on today's news about Steve Jobs and his leave of absence from Apple Inc.:

• Steve Jobs is a marketing genius, but a failure as a human being.
• Steve Jobs has nothing to do with the great products Apple makes, but hawks them well to unsuspecting rubes who fawn at his feet.
• Without the designers at Apple around him, Steve Jobs would be nothing more than a whiny little wannabe artist and college dropout, consigned to the dustbin of history.
• Steve Jobs has lied about his health repeatedly, both to his shareholders and his customers. His illness has clearly kept him from participating in the day-to-day operations of Apple for some time now.
• Steve Jobs contributes very little to the actual design of Apple products, the programming of their software, or the implementation of their marketing plans.

Therefore, Apple is nothing without Steve Jobs.

Obviously.

iPhone on Verizon: A Nation Yawns

So it's unclear as to why this is big news, when the magical tear-inducing Windows Phone 7 Phone is already widely available elsewhere on faster networks. But if Verizon wants to swim in the gutter, I say let them have at it. It won't make one bit of difference to the Windows Phone 7 Phone market share*. Obviously.

*Because it's immeasurably small now, just in case you needed this footnote to clarify the point.

Sign of the Apocalypse

That little pussy David Pogue now has his own TV show called "Making Stuff: Stronger".

He probably got the idea from lifting his heavy, overpriced, expensive toy, the iPad.

What is this world coming to?

In a related story, I'm going to be interviewed by the Eyewitness News Team sometime in the near future regarding my opinions on the greatness of the Amazon Kindle, which is the greatest product ever invented except for Windows. Obviously. Oh, and the nook is a joke.

Stay tuned.